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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 750454" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Welcome, LostintheValley.</p><p></p><p>I am confused here. Why are you insulting yourself as "codependent?" To forge a strong connection, to love deeply and forever, how is that a wrong or bad thing?</p><p></p><p>And clearly your "son" feels your attachment to him, and relies on it, regardless of where he is or with whom. That attachment may be the ground on which he stands.</p><p> Your boy like many of us has had attachment wounds. You don't describe why he was without a family at age 13. You also don't describe why somebody so young would be motivated to take on such a responsibility as did you and your wife.</p><p></p><p>I comment upon this because I adopted a baby who was 22 months who had been abandoned at 2 weeks, and until I found him, raised in a crisis nursery, with no stable attachment figure. I believe I saw myself in him, because of early trauma I had faced as an infant and child. I believe we seek out children and partners to heal, even if we do not realize in fact that we are wounded. We do so subconsciously.</p><p></p><p>I fell apart when my son began to push away from me, when to become independent, even rejecting of me, was entirely developmentally appropriate. The most normal thing in the world is trying to branch out into the world to make new independent connections, to find somebody to love and be loved. It is not a rejection of us. Rather, it signifies that we were successful in helping our children to be strong and whole enough to establish themselves independently both emotionally and socially. That your son can do this was due to you and to your wife.</p><p></p><p>I believe he will be back. But that is not the essentially important thing I want to say. Are there ways that you need to heal, or seek to heal? Pain is a very powerful teacher. Is this pain you feel, a signal that there is something in your history, in yourself, that needs revisiting?</p><p></p><p>I ask because I am asking the same questions of myself. So much of what has caused me distress with my son, has stemmed not from what he did or did not do (and perhaps could not have done) but from pain and limits I have carried for a lifetime. Which I need to heal. Having not a thing in the world to do with my child.</p><p></p><p>Take care. Welcome to the forum. I hope you continue to post. It really, really helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 750454, member: 18958"] Welcome, LostintheValley. I am confused here. Why are you insulting yourself as "codependent?" To forge a strong connection, to love deeply and forever, how is that a wrong or bad thing? And clearly your "son" feels your attachment to him, and relies on it, regardless of where he is or with whom. That attachment may be the ground on which he stands. Your boy like many of us has had attachment wounds. You don't describe why he was without a family at age 13. You also don't describe why somebody so young would be motivated to take on such a responsibility as did you and your wife. I comment upon this because I adopted a baby who was 22 months who had been abandoned at 2 weeks, and until I found him, raised in a crisis nursery, with no stable attachment figure. I believe I saw myself in him, because of early trauma I had faced as an infant and child. I believe we seek out children and partners to heal, even if we do not realize in fact that we are wounded. We do so subconsciously. I fell apart when my son began to push away from me, when to become independent, even rejecting of me, was entirely developmentally appropriate. The most normal thing in the world is trying to branch out into the world to make new independent connections, to find somebody to love and be loved. It is not a rejection of us. Rather, it signifies that we were successful in helping our children to be strong and whole enough to establish themselves independently both emotionally and socially. That your son can do this was due to you and to your wife. I believe he will be back. But that is not the essentially important thing I want to say. Are there ways that you need to heal, or seek to heal? Pain is a very powerful teacher. Is this pain you feel, a signal that there is something in your history, in yourself, that needs revisiting? I ask because I am asking the same questions of myself. So much of what has caused me distress with my son, has stemmed not from what he did or did not do (and perhaps could not have done) but from pain and limits I have carried for a lifetime. Which I need to heal. Having not a thing in the world to do with my child. Take care. Welcome to the forum. I hope you continue to post. It really, really helps. [/QUOTE]
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