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15 going on 16 "daughter" - Help!!
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 697337" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>You cannot control another person's sexuality, regardless of their age. You just can't. It is totally impossible. People have been trying since the dawn of society and it has not ever worked outside of truly cruel and draconian methods. The reality is that many 15-16 yo teens have sex. This girl needs birth control and to be taught to throw the condoms and wrappers in the trash and not leave them laying around. That would likely upset me more than the girl having sex. She isn't seemingly promiscuous, having only the one boyfriend. I would be worried if there were more partners rather than just her boyfriend. </p><p></p><p>I would talk with her parents about setting some ground rules for their home and yours. Just discarding her because she had sex and didn't tell you about it isn't fair in our culture. With the way people are given such intense exposure to sexualized images from a very young age, it isn't exactly rational to expect this girl to conform to your rules about her sexuality. I would likely specify that she and the boy are not to be in her bedroom, or any other bedroom in your home. They are to make sure their condoms are NOT left stuck to walls or anywhere else other than in a trash can that THEY empty after each time. They also need to clean up any mess they make and not leave it for others. PDA around the younger siblings and the parents should be kept to a minimum that the parents are comfortable with (and you are in your home).</p><p></p><p>Your expectations are highly irrational. When did religion become the sex police? I realize that waiting until she was older would have been ideal, but we live in reality. Reality is that she didn't wait. So you have to deal with reality and your energy would be FAR better spent making sure she has the tools to keep from getting pregnant. A baby will do FAR worse things to her future than just having sex would. I would make her pay for all costs related to STDs but I would happily pay for birth control. </p><p></p><p>As far as alcohol, I would encourage her parents to set strong limits about this. If she ever comes home drunk, she should have to spend some time seeing what alcohol use can do to her body, her brain, and to her community. I am sure there are organizations out there that can help with alcohol abuse classes. I would tie some of her community service to working around alcoholics. My own children have little desire to drink, much less drink to excess. I have a brother who is an alcoholic. We never hid the problems that he had due to his alcohol abuse from them (making it age appropriate when they were younger). They once were allowed (by my parents who were blind to his problem at that point, NOT by me) to spend a day at the lake with my brother and he got very drunk and it ended incredibly badly, with consequences that disrupted their lives for 2 entire years. My oldest two are 21 and 25 and really have no interest in drinking to excess. My oldest is the designated driver for his friends even when he doesn't go to events that they are attending. He still drives them because he would rather they not take risks. My daughter just turned 21 and only buys alcohol to cook with. </p><p></p><p>I would keep close tabs on the alcohol in your home. That is simply the responsible thing to do when you have teens. I keep ours in a closet in our bedroom and insist that it not be left out in the kitchen after cooking. </p><p></p><p>This girl is in the top 30 in her class AND does 210 hours of community service??? Do you have any idea how rare that it? As long as the things she does with her boyfriend don't impact her grades or her work with the group you are involved in, let the girl manage her life. </p><p></p><p>Cutting Elsa out of your life just because she had sex is overstepping your boundaries in a MAJOR way. Letting her know that if it happens in your house then she is in huge trouble because that is disrespectful is a different thing. Stop being the sex police and concentrate on helping her grow into a responsible young woman. Take precautions, including talking to her, with regards to alcohol. But don't be uncharitable and turn your back on her. Losing this relationship will take a huge chunk out of your life and it would be a shame for both of you and for her family. Focus on repairing the relationship and not trying to put the genie back into the box.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 697337, member: 1233"] You cannot control another person's sexuality, regardless of their age. You just can't. It is totally impossible. People have been trying since the dawn of society and it has not ever worked outside of truly cruel and draconian methods. The reality is that many 15-16 yo teens have sex. This girl needs birth control and to be taught to throw the condoms and wrappers in the trash and not leave them laying around. That would likely upset me more than the girl having sex. She isn't seemingly promiscuous, having only the one boyfriend. I would be worried if there were more partners rather than just her boyfriend. I would talk with her parents about setting some ground rules for their home and yours. Just discarding her because she had sex and didn't tell you about it isn't fair in our culture. With the way people are given such intense exposure to sexualized images from a very young age, it isn't exactly rational to expect this girl to conform to your rules about her sexuality. I would likely specify that she and the boy are not to be in her bedroom, or any other bedroom in your home. They are to make sure their condoms are NOT left stuck to walls or anywhere else other than in a trash can that THEY empty after each time. They also need to clean up any mess they make and not leave it for others. PDA around the younger siblings and the parents should be kept to a minimum that the parents are comfortable with (and you are in your home). Your expectations are highly irrational. When did religion become the sex police? I realize that waiting until she was older would have been ideal, but we live in reality. Reality is that she didn't wait. So you have to deal with reality and your energy would be FAR better spent making sure she has the tools to keep from getting pregnant. A baby will do FAR worse things to her future than just having sex would. I would make her pay for all costs related to STDs but I would happily pay for birth control. As far as alcohol, I would encourage her parents to set strong limits about this. If she ever comes home drunk, she should have to spend some time seeing what alcohol use can do to her body, her brain, and to her community. I am sure there are organizations out there that can help with alcohol abuse classes. I would tie some of her community service to working around alcoholics. My own children have little desire to drink, much less drink to excess. I have a brother who is an alcoholic. We never hid the problems that he had due to his alcohol abuse from them (making it age appropriate when they were younger). They once were allowed (by my parents who were blind to his problem at that point, NOT by me) to spend a day at the lake with my brother and he got very drunk and it ended incredibly badly, with consequences that disrupted their lives for 2 entire years. My oldest two are 21 and 25 and really have no interest in drinking to excess. My oldest is the designated driver for his friends even when he doesn't go to events that they are attending. He still drives them because he would rather they not take risks. My daughter just turned 21 and only buys alcohol to cook with. I would keep close tabs on the alcohol in your home. That is simply the responsible thing to do when you have teens. I keep ours in a closet in our bedroom and insist that it not be left out in the kitchen after cooking. This girl is in the top 30 in her class AND does 210 hours of community service??? Do you have any idea how rare that it? As long as the things she does with her boyfriend don't impact her grades or her work with the group you are involved in, let the girl manage her life. Cutting Elsa out of your life just because she had sex is overstepping your boundaries in a MAJOR way. Letting her know that if it happens in your house then she is in huge trouble because that is disrespectful is a different thing. Stop being the sex police and concentrate on helping her grow into a responsible young woman. Take precautions, including talking to her, with regards to alcohol. But don't be uncharitable and turn your back on her. Losing this relationship will take a huge chunk out of your life and it would be a shame for both of you and for her family. Focus on repairing the relationship and not trying to put the genie back into the box. [/QUOTE]
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