I had a better school experience for my autistic son. We were in control, not the school. We got an advocate and you bet my son got an IEP and the school was afraid of our advocate and I fear me too lol. We picked a school for him, fought for ir and they had to send him in a cab. It was a public school but a great fit. He had stopped learning. In that school where he was in soecial ed for reading and math, he became a leader in that class and his kind demeaner made everyone like him. He was one of a very few black kids in the school but he still was accepted pretty well. By middle school he was no longer in Special Education but he was given supports when he needed them. It worked great.
All my kids were always treated extremely well even though I was not a favorite mom. But I was a mom who would take legal action and they neither wanted that publicity or to pay for it. Everyone is entitled to a free Advocate through the department of public education but school districts never tell you. Even the ones you think are nice withhold this from you. I did not hear about it at my kids school. No way.
They dont want advocates because they sit in on meetings with you, know the law, and wont let the schools pull any bs.
A 504 is not legal. An IEP is. We demanded an IEP and got it. And boy is my son doing well as an adult with autism and I swear it is mostly because the school did a dance to get him every service available and he just burst with his potential once the help was offered him.
Being afraid the school wont be nice to your kid if you push them is nonsense. They love scared parents. They can give your kid less than they need and run the show and the parents are afraid and grateful for crumbs.
I dont know about it being bad for a child to get attention/singled out. Any kid who has a learning difference or a behavior problem gets singled out.
It cant be avoided especially if the kid is a behavior problem. The kids all see it and of couse the misbehaving kid is singled out the most by his peers. In our school if one was in a fight, the cops would visit. The kids know and see who is, in their teen eyes, different.
My son started out in Special Education and nobody picked on him. He had friends. He was not a behavior problem but he was different (shrug).
Everyone has to do what they are comfortable doing for their kids. I had no fear of anyone when it came to getting the help I felt was best for my kid.
I should say kids. My daughter couldnt read until 8. She had a severe reading disability. She struggled in school but tried very hard. Got her an IEP too and now she just finished two years of Law Enforcement in College, works in Corrections and is going to finish her degree. She was in Special Education early on but it never stopped her. She was always very well likedland had iktons of fruends. In high school she was very popular, a sports star, and Homecoming Queen and now she is engaged to a wonderful young man.
One day in her senior year of high school my daughter came home laughing and said she was talking to her old Special Education teacher and she told her "There are probably ten teachers who never want to talk to your Mom again!"
We both laughed. Daughter was graduating, had almost made the honor roll and had good self esteem. The Principal of her high school loved her and both my husband and I got along great with HIM, but not because we didnt ever put pressure on him. Somehow we had HIS respect.
He retired and Daughter still texts him and sees him around and he told her "Your parents werent popular but they made sure we had your back all the way." (Not his exact words...I forget...but he meant that or close to it).
Both of these kids are now exceptional young adults who overcame obstacles and are doing so well.
I only have my story to tell. Everyones varies. Due to my own exoerience this is how I feel. I believe an Advocate or lawyer if necessary is very worthwhile to get kids with special needs or differences the max help so they have the max chance to reach their potential. 18 is too late.
Being too afraid to make waves has its own consequences. No matter what anyone who works at the school may tell you, the schools are NOT in business to help your kid as much as YOU want them too. They want to save money and not be on the hook legally. And nobody wants to do special tests etc. for your kid...they are not all folliwing FAPE. Just a fact. Most parents are afraid to mess with the school. Most never even learn about Advocates.
For anyone who is posting or just lurking, to get a free school advocate, call your State Dept. of Public Education, ask for the Special Needs Dept, then find out who your advocate is. Like all, some are better than others but it is worth it, especially if your kid is still in grade school, just starting, and you feel like the school is trying to get away with not putting special help in place that you KNOW he needs (a very common experience). This is especially true if they act like a high IQ means he doesnt qualify for services. Thats a lie. A commonly used one to avoid sn IEP.
Dont worry about being popular. You are the only one in the entire school who loves your kid and is wildly invested in his or her outcome. You are your kids best advocate so he or she can grow to be the adult he CAN be. Nobody in school will know your child after graduation. We are the one who has to do it, even if its hard. And it IS hard.
Love and light 
