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15yo no control
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 741367" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>No peace, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Please do not blame yourself. It sounds like you have done so much right and have put a ton of energy into trying to help him turn things around. Changing schools. Holding him accountable. Even home schooling! You sound like a great mom and this is not your fault. Plenty of kids come from disadvantaged backgrounds and still make good choices. And plenty of parents here have given their kids every advantage and still ended up here.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think this is the conclusion many of us have come to. </p><p></p><p>I don't have magic answers. I know exactly what it is like when they decide they don't need to follow rules anymore. It's like they've called our bluffs - we say "do this, or else!" but they've already figured out we can't enforce the "or else." Go to your room? Ha! nope. You're grounded? Yeah, funny mom. See you later. Because what is the or else? Physical force? Calling the cops? We're at the end of our options and they know it. And once they know it, they realize they are in control. </p><p></p><p>I finally came to the point at this stage where I realized that the old punishment and discipline strategy just didn't apply anymore. I had to concede that I couldn't "make" them do anything. I could only hope to help them want it on their own. To try to help them see school and grades as something for their own benefit to reach their own goals, not something I wanted for them. To see the importance of treating people well, keeping commitments, taking care of responsibilities. Shifting to more of an adult-to-adult discussion (they think they are adults, anyway) rather than a parent-child disciplinary relationship. Getting out of the constant push and pull and trying to move to a more collaborative relationship - what do you want out of your life and how is your current course helping you get there? He needs to find his own reasons to get back on a good path, rather than making it about "mom and her rules." </p><p></p><p>Obviously, you'll see from my sign off that this approach didn't work for all of mine. I had some real disadvantages in my situation with my marriage that made things a whole lot worse. It sounds like you and his dad can work together and be on the same page, which will help a lot. </p><p></p><p>I think my biggest learning was that <strong>I cannot and should not shield them from the natural consequences of their actions. </strong>If there are legal consequences, school consequences, loss of ability to play on a sports team, etc. they need to learn that's life. I think that is the #1 piece of learning they need to do: to see that their choices have results and consequences and that it is not about waiting for your punishment like a child but facing those natural consequences like an (almost) adult. As SWOT says above, it is ideal if this learning happens BEFORE they turn 18. </p><p></p><p>This may mean, as SWOT suggests, actually turning them in for criminal offenses. If I were back in that situation, I would absolutely tell mine that I will not be protecting them or shielding them, and will turn them in if I have evidence of criminal activity. It may mean, at some point, he can no longer be in your home if you feel unsafe or abused with him around. </p><p></p><p>I also agree that he should NOT be driving unless you are 100% certain he is sober and on the right path. Bad things happen when you mix rebellious teens, drugs and alcohol, and cars. Very bad things. I've lived through some of those things. </p><p></p><p>I do see hope here, though. The fact that he is respectful and sweet and kind around other relatives, and expresses gratitude with them, is huge. This says to me that he is not all gone, certainly not irredeemable! </p><p></p><p>It also sounds like he is in therapy. If you can keep him going that's huge. </p><p></p><p>I don't have experience with getting them into inpatient facilities or how often that works. Keep working with his therapist, keep being loving but firm. Are there things that he wants for himself in life that can be used as motivators?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 741367, member: 23349"] No peace, I'm sorry you find yourself here. Please do not blame yourself. It sounds like you have done so much right and have put a ton of energy into trying to help him turn things around. Changing schools. Holding him accountable. Even home schooling! You sound like a great mom and this is not your fault. Plenty of kids come from disadvantaged backgrounds and still make good choices. And plenty of parents here have given their kids every advantage and still ended up here. I think this is the conclusion many of us have come to. I don't have magic answers. I know exactly what it is like when they decide they don't need to follow rules anymore. It's like they've called our bluffs - we say "do this, or else!" but they've already figured out we can't enforce the "or else." Go to your room? Ha! nope. You're grounded? Yeah, funny mom. See you later. Because what is the or else? Physical force? Calling the cops? We're at the end of our options and they know it. And once they know it, they realize they are in control. I finally came to the point at this stage where I realized that the old punishment and discipline strategy just didn't apply anymore. I had to concede that I couldn't "make" them do anything. I could only hope to help them want it on their own. To try to help them see school and grades as something for their own benefit to reach their own goals, not something I wanted for them. To see the importance of treating people well, keeping commitments, taking care of responsibilities. Shifting to more of an adult-to-adult discussion (they think they are adults, anyway) rather than a parent-child disciplinary relationship. Getting out of the constant push and pull and trying to move to a more collaborative relationship - what do you want out of your life and how is your current course helping you get there? He needs to find his own reasons to get back on a good path, rather than making it about "mom and her rules." Obviously, you'll see from my sign off that this approach didn't work for all of mine. I had some real disadvantages in my situation with my marriage that made things a whole lot worse. It sounds like you and his dad can work together and be on the same page, which will help a lot. I think my biggest learning was that [B]I cannot and should not shield them from the natural consequences of their actions. [/B]If there are legal consequences, school consequences, loss of ability to play on a sports team, etc. they need to learn that's life. I think that is the #1 piece of learning they need to do: to see that their choices have results and consequences and that it is not about waiting for your punishment like a child but facing those natural consequences like an (almost) adult. As SWOT says above, it is ideal if this learning happens BEFORE they turn 18. This may mean, as SWOT suggests, actually turning them in for criminal offenses. If I were back in that situation, I would absolutely tell mine that I will not be protecting them or shielding them, and will turn them in if I have evidence of criminal activity. It may mean, at some point, he can no longer be in your home if you feel unsafe or abused with him around. I also agree that he should NOT be driving unless you are 100% certain he is sober and on the right path. Bad things happen when you mix rebellious teens, drugs and alcohol, and cars. Very bad things. I've lived through some of those things. I do see hope here, though. The fact that he is respectful and sweet and kind around other relatives, and expresses gratitude with them, is huge. This says to me that he is not all gone, certainly not irredeemable! It also sounds like he is in therapy. If you can keep him going that's huge. I don't have experience with getting them into inpatient facilities or how often that works. Keep working with his therapist, keep being loving but firm. Are there things that he wants for himself in life that can be used as motivators? [/QUOTE]
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