I have a 17 y/o grandson whom I have had custody of since he was about 3. Mom is still in the picture. He has been in therapy since about 5, Multitude of psychiatric diagnoses including ADHD, bipolar and the latest is ODD. He recently had a hospitalization after he hit his 15 y/o brother in the head with a plastic light saber in anger to the point that it caused him to have staples. He threw his brother's Playstation on the cement, smashing it. Police were called and he had his first psychiatric hospitalization. He makes demands of me continuously. Will not take No for an answer. If I am in bed, and he wants something, he will bang on the walls, call the phone, pound on the doors until I give in. I have had to hide the knives, my purse and anything that he could use of mine. I am tired of being his doormat but on the other hand I am not strong enough to stand up to him. I don't want to get the courts involved. I did this with his mother when she was his age and it cost me $60,000 and ended with her getting pregnant with him. She still has the same behaviors today. I believe that a lot of his behaviors seem like Reactive attachment disorder. He doesn't seem to care that he hurts me. For the last 3 weeks, he has been staying with Mom, but she is ready for him to come home. Supposedly he has been behaving very well and doesn't want to come home. I believe that she is pushing the issue to hurt me. He does need to go back to school. Is there somewhere that I can learn to grow some hair on my chest, to be strong enough to say No and mean it. I don't want him to end up in prison, so he needs to learn that there are consequences for his behavior without the end result being injury to myself, his brother, the pets or damage to my home!
17 year old grandson
- Thread starter MeMa
- Start date
Wow @MeMa, that's a very difficult situation. I'm sorry you're in the middle of it.
My outsider's observation is that your quality of life is just as important as the quality of life for your daughter and grandson. Make sure that you keep that in mind when considering any decisions to be made.
Hopefully other members will come along soon and offer you their support.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Welcome, MeMa. You've arrived at the right place. almost all of us have been in shoes similar to yours.
I don't need to tell you that you have a few things weighing down those shoes: one is that he is under 18; you still have legal responsibility; two, you still want things for him--that he may not yet want for himself; three, there is a triangle involved, in the name of his Mom, where you can be potentially undermined; four, you don't want him to be hurt--thus you are set up to take consequences onto yourself, rather than see that he receive the natural consequences for his behaviors.
All of these factors disempower you. The same with the rest of us. As I said, we have been through it too.
I think you will find help and support here, but it's not an easy road. I have a couple of questions. I would have thought that there would have been some hesitation to return him to your house, given he attacked his younger brother. This is an issue of potential child endangerment of the younger boy. Was there concern by the authorities about this? How long did the psychiatric hospitalization last? What were the findings? What's going on in school? Is he in school, now given the pandemic?
You are right all of these things shouldn't be happening:
This is not true:
I can understand this, but this position may undermine you if it means you hold back with taking a stand:
You deserve safety in your home, for yourself for your other son, for your pets and for your things. This is non-negotiable. It does not help your son that he runs around like a hulk with everybody afraid of what he will do.
But you have to care if he hurts you. You are the one right now that knows the limits and must find a way to enforce them.
You can't stop him from going to prison. There is nothing at all within your power or mine to protect our sons if they are hellbent on behaving badly or can't control their behavior. The single best way in my mind to avert this outcome is to set strong limits, now and consistently reinforce them. It's hard. But doable.
Damage to your home, injury to you, to your family, to your pets, are crimes. I think what every mother here would tell you is to call the police every single time he threatens this let alone does it. He needs the consequences. Whatever they may be. You are doing the right thing securing what you can. When he stalks you in your house, when he bangs on walls, etc. given his already demonstrated propensity to violence, these actions portend more violent acts. I would call the police every single time.
If he has already hurt you or the animals repeatedly the best thing that can happen now is if he gets a probation officer so that you have back up. It sounds like this incident with his brother was not the only time. The outcome that you fear is already here.
It may have to be faced that your own and your custody are not the places for him to be. How soon will he turn 18?
We as parents have all had to face the reality of our situations and the reality of our children's behavior. Our love, responsibility, hopes, and fears are not determinative when gone off the rails. Our children are driving this situation, and in my experience, they cannot be stopped, until if and when they decide to change or they are stopped in one way or another. It is very hard for even two parents together to stop a near-adult child when he is on the rampage. But you are strong enough to face the reality of your situation and to take steps to protect your home, your family, and yourself.
He was in the hospital for a week. CPS was involved but they feel that we have a plan in place to protect his brother. We are working with a community agency that does send a therapist at least weekly although right now it's virtual. He is in Special Education at school, on an IEP both for emotional and cognitive issues. He is delayed. When we have face to face school, 98% of the time, he will go willingly. Remote learning is a whole other ballgame. I will set the computer up in his bed for h im and he will close it, turn it off. Remote does not work for him. The hospital stay was a joke. I think he manipulated them, they gave him a diagnosis of anxiety disorder and changed his medications. HE had been on Haldol for his aggression but they didn't like that drug. They started him on Latuda.
Thank you for your support. I am hoping that the therapist that is supposed to work with him will work with me to be stronger. He doesn't want any part of therapy, told the psychiatrist that he doesn't want to take pills which fortunately he still is. I am hoping that I can gain strength from other people that have gone through this. THank you!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi
This is my opinion only, but it may be yours too, so I am writing it. I think whatever safe medication he needs to control his aggression, he needs to get. That the facility didn't like this or that, to me, is beside the point. Haldol has side effects. But the thing is he can't be allowed to rampage. If his urge is to do that and he can't or won't control himself, that is not right for him, let alone for others around him. Is he seeing a psychiatrist now?
I believe in Regional Children's Hospitals. There, there are child development centers, that do comprehensive neuropsychiatric exams to pinpoint accurate diagnoses. They work in teams of social workers, neuropsychologists, and psychiatrists. Even child neurologists. At 17 your son should still be eligible for services. The other place that I have respect for diagnosis and treatment is a University Medical Center, In my area even though the State University Medical center is 3 hours away there are satellite facilities an hour South and an hour North. I think you need a good child psychiatrist. Unfortunately, that is not so easy to find. It really is dreadful what we are all living for and it is the very hardest on vulnerable children and teens and their families.
I think your plan sounds good, to work with the therapist to help you get control. There are also behavioral specialists who come into the family and observe interactions and behaviors and they train the family member in behavioral techniques to reinforce good behavior. A lot of the parents here go to Al Anon as a means of learning and enforcing boundaries when their children and homes have become out of control. There is no need that alcohol or drugs be involved. In most groups, anybody can attend.
Others will be along too. You'd be surprised how many of us there are who are in or have been in comparable situations.
This is my opinion only, but it may be yours too, so I am writing it. I think whatever safe medication he needs to control his aggression, he needs to get. That the facility didn't like this or that, to me, is beside the point. Haldol has side effects. But the thing is he can't be allowed to rampage. If his urge is to do that and he can't or won't control himself, that is not right for him, let alone for others around him. Is he seeing a psychiatrist now?
I believe in Regional Children's Hospitals. There, there are child development centers, that do comprehensive neuropsychiatric exams to pinpoint accurate diagnoses. They work in teams of social workers, neuropsychologists, and psychiatrists. Even child neurologists. At 17 your son should still be eligible for services. The other place that I have respect for diagnosis and treatment is a University Medical Center, In my area even though the State University Medical center is 3 hours away there are satellite facilities an hour South and an hour North. I think you need a good child psychiatrist. Unfortunately, that is not so easy to find. It really is dreadful what we are all living for and it is the very hardest on vulnerable children and teens and their families.
I think your plan sounds good, to work with the therapist to help you get control. There are also behavioral specialists who come into the family and observe interactions and behaviors and they train the family member in behavioral techniques to reinforce good behavior. A lot of the parents here go to Al Anon as a means of learning and enforcing boundaries when their children and homes have become out of control. There is no need that alcohol or drugs be involved. In most groups, anybody can attend.
Others will be along too. You'd be surprised how many of us there are who are in or have been in comparable situations.
Thank you! I like the plan of Al Anon--that is a great idea! I will also look into our Children's Hospital and see about a psychiatrist!
I really appreciate your ideas!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
You are welcome. Ask for the Child Development Department. What you need is a neuropsychiatric evaluation by a neuropsychologist first, The next step is a psychiatrist for sure and neurologist, if indicated. All of this is coordinated, with a social worker who will help with family assistance, as needed. is how it is supposed to work. I would really want a child neurologist to examine him. When my son was examined by a child neurologist he saw one or two features of fetal alcohol syndrome, that nobody else saw. In my own experience professionals throw around diagnoses, that are not necessarily correct. An others come along and copy them. In my experience Childrens Hospitals are responsible and knowledgeable. They aren't the only ones, but I have felt more secure there.
A really important thing, more important than anything else is your welfare. You are the one that keeps all of this going, all of the balls in the air. Please try to get a lot of support. More than this website. In that way Al Anon will help a lot.
A really important thing, more important than anything else is your welfare. You are the one that keeps all of this going, all of the balls in the air. Please try to get a lot of support. More than this website. In that way Al Anon will help a lot.
