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Substance Abuse
17 yr old son, defiant and using
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<blockquote data-quote="daveyblade13" data-source="post: 646878" data-attributes="member: 18746"><p>Let me just start off by saying when I was his age, which isn't that long ago. I was smoking pot and experimenting with other drugs. I'm not a parent. I came across this on a random google search and I felt the need to say something and I only wish I had seen this earlier before it had to come to this court situation and I wish my own mother knew about this site when I was going through my issues. I was your sons age not that long ago so I can relate to his situation and I can also relate to the way you feel. You're in a tough spot. You love your son and you want to do whatever you can and have to do to help him and I respect that a lot. </p><p></p><p>I can tell you with absolute certainty your son is a good kid. You got to be able to appreciate the good even when its muddled by the bad. You live for the day. Today might be a bad day but tomorrow's going to be better. Every day counts. You should be proud of your son. You raised a good person.</p><p></p><p>He's not old enough or mature enough to really process that this situation is only temporary and that the choice to make it different is his own. Consider that over the past two years and radically in the last couple months your sons entire world has fallen apart. First his mother passed away which is devastating and hard to process for an adult let alone a teenager. It's going to be years and years before he can really grieve for his mother. His grades have slipped and he's getting in trouble at school. His home life is in constant turmoil. He lost his girlfriend in the sense that he can't see her anymore. Everything he knows to be his reality has completely fallen apart. He feels alone. He's scared. He's grasping for any kind of control he feels he can have over his situation (e.i. back talking the CDW). </p><p></p><p>He's lost. He's a teenager. Teenagers are defiant. They live for you to tell you them what to do so they can not do it. In his mind you don't know what best for him and even if you do he will find it out on his own soon. </p><p></p><p>You divorced when he was young. It's nothing you did wrong or any fault of yours but divorce even an amicable divorce is confusing for a child and a lot of issues can stem from that.In his head and again I'm not saying this is the reality and I mean you no insult because I can tell you love your son and you did everything in your power to raise him and be there for him BUT in his head when you divorced you left him to be raised primarily by his mother and a stranger (his step-dad) and he only lives with you because his mother passed so who are you now to try to raise him and punish him when you weren't there for him before. It's going to take him a while even years to realize that this isn't true. He's just too young. He doesn't think he has any control right now.</p><p></p><p>He has issues. A lot of issues. Unless your parents divorced and your mother passed when you were fifteen you can't really know what it's like to be him or in his shoes. Thats not a justification for his actions more an explanation and it's why you can't relate to him and why the things you say don't get through to him. Work on building a relationship with your son. He doesn't think he has any control right now so when you tell him the things you think he needs to hear he doesn't hear what you're saying he only hears you trying to take his control away. Spend time together. Develop a rapport. Let him let you into his life, don't force it. </p><p></p><p>If you take anything from this it should be that drugs aren't the problem. He has a lot of issues and big problems he needs to work on and his drug use is a symptom of these bigger problems. He's self medicating. When takes drugs he's in control of his state. It's some of the very little control he feels he has. When you say he needs to follow your rules to live in your house and stop using drugs he's getting angry because what this stems from to him has nothing to do with drugs. Like "Why does he care that I'm drugs when he didn't care about x, y, and z?". When you say things like "If you mess up one more time you're gone" he's going to mess up again. He doesn't get it. You guys need aren't on the same page.</p><p></p><p>I wish you the best and I hope you can fix this. You love your son and it's going to better because of that. You would do anything for him. He'll understand that one day.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="daveyblade13, post: 646878, member: 18746"] Let me just start off by saying when I was his age, which isn't that long ago. I was smoking pot and experimenting with other drugs. I'm not a parent. I came across this on a random google search and I felt the need to say something and I only wish I had seen this earlier before it had to come to this court situation and I wish my own mother knew about this site when I was going through my issues. I was your sons age not that long ago so I can relate to his situation and I can also relate to the way you feel. You're in a tough spot. You love your son and you want to do whatever you can and have to do to help him and I respect that a lot. I can tell you with absolute certainty your son is a good kid. You got to be able to appreciate the good even when its muddled by the bad. You live for the day. Today might be a bad day but tomorrow's going to be better. Every day counts. You should be proud of your son. You raised a good person. He's not old enough or mature enough to really process that this situation is only temporary and that the choice to make it different is his own. Consider that over the past two years and radically in the last couple months your sons entire world has fallen apart. First his mother passed away which is devastating and hard to process for an adult let alone a teenager. It's going to be years and years before he can really grieve for his mother. His grades have slipped and he's getting in trouble at school. His home life is in constant turmoil. He lost his girlfriend in the sense that he can't see her anymore. Everything he knows to be his reality has completely fallen apart. He feels alone. He's scared. He's grasping for any kind of control he feels he can have over his situation (e.i. back talking the CDW). He's lost. He's a teenager. Teenagers are defiant. They live for you to tell you them what to do so they can not do it. In his mind you don't know what best for him and even if you do he will find it out on his own soon. You divorced when he was young. It's nothing you did wrong or any fault of yours but divorce even an amicable divorce is confusing for a child and a lot of issues can stem from that.In his head and again I'm not saying this is the reality and I mean you no insult because I can tell you love your son and you did everything in your power to raise him and be there for him BUT in his head when you divorced you left him to be raised primarily by his mother and a stranger (his step-dad) and he only lives with you because his mother passed so who are you now to try to raise him and punish him when you weren't there for him before. It's going to take him a while even years to realize that this isn't true. He's just too young. He doesn't think he has any control right now. He has issues. A lot of issues. Unless your parents divorced and your mother passed when you were fifteen you can't really know what it's like to be him or in his shoes. Thats not a justification for his actions more an explanation and it's why you can't relate to him and why the things you say don't get through to him. Work on building a relationship with your son. He doesn't think he has any control right now so when you tell him the things you think he needs to hear he doesn't hear what you're saying he only hears you trying to take his control away. Spend time together. Develop a rapport. Let him let you into his life, don't force it. If you take anything from this it should be that drugs aren't the problem. He has a lot of issues and big problems he needs to work on and his drug use is a symptom of these bigger problems. He's self medicating. When takes drugs he's in control of his state. It's some of the very little control he feels he has. When you say he needs to follow your rules to live in your house and stop using drugs he's getting angry because what this stems from to him has nothing to do with drugs. Like "Why does he care that I'm drugs when he didn't care about x, y, and z?". When you say things like "If you mess up one more time you're gone" he's going to mess up again. He doesn't get it. You guys need aren't on the same page. I wish you the best and I hope you can fix this. You love your son and it's going to better because of that. You would do anything for him. He'll understand that one day. [/QUOTE]
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17 yr old son, defiant and using
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