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Substance Abuse
17 yr old son doing drugs, hanging w members of a gang in NY
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 675408" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Defiant, many of our kids display the characteristics you cite: externalizing responsibility, not thinking things through, manipulative charm to get what they want, blaming others. Including my own son.</p><p></p><p>I think part of this goes with ADHD. I think some of it is defensiveness. If this makes sense: his guilt is so great he is always ready to volley it away...like a hot potato.</p><p></p><p>I was talking to a psychiatrist a number of months. About my own issues partly having to do with mourning the death of my Mother, also about my son. The psychoanalyst/psychiatrist had never met my son. He too wanted me to accept the worst. He asked me this: Is there ever a time when you are not benefited by accepting reality? True enough. But how can he know the reality of somebody he never met? He was certain he did.</p><p></p><p>I tried to tell him: Every single thing you know about my son is filtered through me. My fear. Anxiety. Bias. Self-judgment. Even without ever meeting my son, he was without hope. I admit he could be right. But where does this certainty come from?</p><p></p><p>I think most of the parents on this board who have been here awhile would tell you that you must protect yourselves. First and foremost. They would also tell you that your son will benefit from your detaching. (There is an attachment on the board about detachment and what to do.) Detaching does not mean we do not love them. It means we stop living their consequences and stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves.</p><p></p><p>But that is not the same as giving an ironclad diagnosis. A forever diagnosis.</p><p></p><p>There is a Rabbi in Los Angeles (Culver City) who with his wife, who is a social worker, runs a faith-based residential treatment program. They accept anybody. There is drug treatment and they take the mentally ill, too. And they believe anybody can change. They believe that people change profoundly with a different value system, specifically, living a life centered around faith and living with purpose and community. They have satellite housing where participants can live nearby and participate long-term while they are working.</p><p></p><p>So this is the kicker. The Rabbi before he was a Rabbi was a multi-prison term felon. He was a crook and a scoundrel. A real no-goodnik. His family believed he was a lost cause. He would most definitely be considered a sociopath by both of our psychiatrists.</p><p></p><p>He has helped thousands of people. Important people support him and his work and flock to him. I learned of him through my attorney who is one of the most influential people in Jewish life in LA and in the nation.</p><p></p><p>So there for Sociopaths. Perhaps this Rabbi really is a sociopath. Let us give us that. That he met the diagnosis and still has traits. Fine and good. (Although I do not believe this. Nor do I believe he was ever a sociopath, although I cannot know.)</p><p></p><p>Who cares? He functions in a powerful and admirable way. His life is meaningful for him and many, many others.</p><p></p><p>That is what I think. Hope is everything. Pigeon-holing is wrong. People thinking that they are oracles, is wrong.</p><p></p><p>Nobody can say with certainty what the future will be. If they do, proceed with caution. That is what I think.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 675408, member: 18958"] Defiant, many of our kids display the characteristics you cite: externalizing responsibility, not thinking things through, manipulative charm to get what they want, blaming others. Including my own son. I think part of this goes with ADHD. I think some of it is defensiveness. If this makes sense: his guilt is so great he is always ready to volley it away...like a hot potato. I was talking to a psychiatrist a number of months. About my own issues partly having to do with mourning the death of my Mother, also about my son. The psychoanalyst/psychiatrist had never met my son. He too wanted me to accept the worst. He asked me this: Is there ever a time when you are not benefited by accepting reality? True enough. But how can he know the reality of somebody he never met? He was certain he did. I tried to tell him: Every single thing you know about my son is filtered through me. My fear. Anxiety. Bias. Self-judgment. Even without ever meeting my son, he was without hope. I admit he could be right. But where does this certainty come from? I think most of the parents on this board who have been here awhile would tell you that you must protect yourselves. First and foremost. They would also tell you that your son will benefit from your detaching. (There is an attachment on the board about detachment and what to do.) Detaching does not mean we do not love them. It means we stop living their consequences and stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves. But that is not the same as giving an ironclad diagnosis. A forever diagnosis. There is a Rabbi in Los Angeles (Culver City) who with his wife, who is a social worker, runs a faith-based residential treatment program. They accept anybody. There is drug treatment and they take the mentally ill, too. And they believe anybody can change. They believe that people change profoundly with a different value system, specifically, living a life centered around faith and living with purpose and community. They have satellite housing where participants can live nearby and participate long-term while they are working. So this is the kicker. The Rabbi before he was a Rabbi was a multi-prison term felon. He was a crook and a scoundrel. A real no-goodnik. His family believed he was a lost cause. He would most definitely be considered a sociopath by both of our psychiatrists. He has helped thousands of people. Important people support him and his work and flock to him. I learned of him through my attorney who is one of the most influential people in Jewish life in LA and in the nation. So there for Sociopaths. Perhaps this Rabbi really is a sociopath. Let us give us that. That he met the diagnosis and still has traits. Fine and good. (Although I do not believe this. Nor do I believe he was ever a sociopath, although I cannot know.) Who cares? He functions in a powerful and admirable way. His life is meaningful for him and many, many others. That is what I think. Hope is everything. Pigeon-holing is wrong. People thinking that they are oracles, is wrong. Nobody can say with certainty what the future will be. If they do, proceed with caution. That is what I think. COPA [/QUOTE]
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17 yr old son doing drugs, hanging w members of a gang in NY
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