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18yo Son Update
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<blockquote data-quote="Nandina" data-source="post: 766331" data-attributes="member: 23742"><p>Hi Beta, I get it too, as I’m sure many on this site can relate as well, to the uneasiness that crops up when we mention our wayward adult kids. (or wayward young kids for that matter). Even my grown well children didn’t want to hear about their brother and his issues.</p><p></p><p>The worst for me was six years ago when my son (now deceased) had decided to leave home right after his 18th birthday because he was an adult and thought he could live on his own. This act made me an empty nester and threw me into a depression for months. At that time I did not have the benefit of this site—I’m sure it would have helped.</p><p></p><p>His leaving devastated me, because I knew there was absolutely no way he was ready to handle adult responsibilities. At that point all he wanted to do was smoke weed and party. And because of all the problems we had been having for years with anger issues, lying, stealing etc., I had to tell him that if he left he could not come back and live with us.</p><p></p><p>I was on the phone telling my then-best friend of 30 years, who is childless, that my son left home and I was crying as I told her. She asked me, “why are you crying? Didn’t you want him to leave after all the trouble he’s caused you?” I went off on her and told her that I hated to be one of those people who tell you that you don’t get it because you’re not a mother, but “you DON’T GET IT!” The friendship kinda went downhill from there.</p><p></p><p>Is there nobody else in your circle who has a mentally ill or substance-addicted child that you can confide in? It is almost rare in these times not to know somebody who is dealing with it. But many keep it hidden as I did in some of my circles previously.</p><p></p><p>My only solace other than this site, after I discovered it (and my husband), was my therapist who I began seeing about five months before my son died from fentanyl-laced meth In December last year. I still see her and she is like having a good non-judgmental friend to chat with. She even came to my son’s Celebration of Life service.</p><p></p><p>I know being a pastor’s wife you may have the benefit of clergy for counseling, but I will echo what Bettyboo44 said above about Al anon. We had just joined about two months before our son died and were reading the literature and applying the principles daily. It’s really a spiritual practice and a good place to make one-on-one connections with others dealing with some of the same issues. And they encourage you to get a “sponsor” for that closer connection.</p><p></p><p>I’m not much of a joiner and wasn’t sure if I’d like it, but it was quite different than what I expected and a good experience overall. All groups are run differently though so if one doesn’t feel right, try another.</p><p></p><p>I pray for you Beta, and for all those on this site who are living with the intense grief of having a homeless, mentally ill and/or drug addicted child. This is not how motherhood is supposed to feel! But thank God we do have each other on this site. May it always be a source of comfort for us. Sending love and hugs, Nandina</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nandina, post: 766331, member: 23742"] Hi Beta, I get it too, as I’m sure many on this site can relate as well, to the uneasiness that crops up when we mention our wayward adult kids. (or wayward young kids for that matter). Even my grown well children didn’t want to hear about their brother and his issues. The worst for me was six years ago when my son (now deceased) had decided to leave home right after his 18th birthday because he was an adult and thought he could live on his own. This act made me an empty nester and threw me into a depression for months. At that time I did not have the benefit of this site—I’m sure it would have helped. His leaving devastated me, because I knew there was absolutely no way he was ready to handle adult responsibilities. At that point all he wanted to do was smoke weed and party. And because of all the problems we had been having for years with anger issues, lying, stealing etc., I had to tell him that if he left he could not come back and live with us. I was on the phone telling my then-best friend of 30 years, who is childless, that my son left home and I was crying as I told her. She asked me, “why are you crying? Didn’t you want him to leave after all the trouble he’s caused you?” I went off on her and told her that I hated to be one of those people who tell you that you don’t get it because you’re not a mother, but “you DON’T GET IT!” The friendship kinda went downhill from there. Is there nobody else in your circle who has a mentally ill or substance-addicted child that you can confide in? It is almost rare in these times not to know somebody who is dealing with it. But many keep it hidden as I did in some of my circles previously. My only solace other than this site, after I discovered it (and my husband), was my therapist who I began seeing about five months before my son died from fentanyl-laced meth In December last year. I still see her and she is like having a good non-judgmental friend to chat with. She even came to my son’s Celebration of Life service. I know being a pastor’s wife you may have the benefit of clergy for counseling, but I will echo what Bettyboo44 said above about Al anon. We had just joined about two months before our son died and were reading the literature and applying the principles daily. It’s really a spiritual practice and a good place to make one-on-one connections with others dealing with some of the same issues. And they encourage you to get a “sponsor” for that closer connection. I’m not much of a joiner and wasn’t sure if I’d like it, but it was quite different than what I expected and a good experience overall. All groups are run differently though so if one doesn’t feel right, try another. I pray for you Beta, and for all those on this site who are living with the intense grief of having a homeless, mentally ill and/or drug addicted child. This is not how motherhood is supposed to feel! But thank God we do have each other on this site. May it always be a source of comfort for us. Sending love and hugs, Nandina [/QUOTE]
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