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19 year old homeless son
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 648611" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Logically, we can't do anything for our grown kids. We can offer than opportunities to get well or do better. Most of us have gone overboard giving them opportunities all of their lives, even after they turned eighteen. But they have to do the work, so there is really nothing to feel guilty about. You can't get inside your kid's skin and force him or her to make his/her life better. So there is really nothing to feel guilty about. More? What more can you do?</p><p></p><p>There comes a point when it is best to back off and let your adult child do it himself/herself, no matter where that takes him. All your money thrown to help the little honey has not done any good. It has made us broke and sad and when we attach our children's achievements to our own self esteem, we feel badly. The fact is, they are separate people from us and their achievements and failures are only on them. It's not like our kids lived in poverty, had poor schools, didn't have a chance to play team sports or have dancing lessons or lived in dangerous environments. They chose to find the clutter in the gold. There are bad people everywhere an d they tend to find them. How is this something we can control? What more can we do?</p><p></p><p>If anything we do too much, they don't evaluate their lives because we are always there to rescue them and nothing changes until we change. The majority of our troubled darlings are using drugs...more than pot, although they will only cop to pot and we will often not even consider it is possible that there is more going on. I just read a memoir about a woman whose two middle class, beloved children were using heroin and she and her husband, who worked with them daily, did not know it. They can be very high functioning addicts or they can be secretive and shut us out. We think they are only smoking pot. Surprise. It is gutwrenching to find out our child who "never leaves the house" is actually an addict.</p><p></p><p>At any rate, whatever is going on with our grown kids, we didn't cause it and we can't do anything to cure it. It is 100% on them. Guilt is a wasted emotion. My own reaction to hearing about how my son is a mess because of something I did when he was six was to finally disallow that kind of talk. If he brings up that I got a divorce and that's why blah, blah, blah, I gently disconnect the phone and will not pick it up again for three days. I won't read nasty texts either. Enough is enough.</p><p></p><p>You are at least eighteen. You could be in college or working full time...clean and sober. You could be fighting for our country. You constantly tell us, "I'm eighteen so I can do what I want." That's right, you can. What happened when you were six is in the past. You need help getting over it? Contact your free/low cost mental health center and live your life anyway. You didn't have it so bad. You had it pretty good. Nobody has a perfect childhood. Grow up and deal with it. Kids have it much worse than you did and do much better. It is a choice.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 648611, member: 1550"] Logically, we can't do anything for our grown kids. We can offer than opportunities to get well or do better. Most of us have gone overboard giving them opportunities all of their lives, even after they turned eighteen. But they have to do the work, so there is really nothing to feel guilty about. You can't get inside your kid's skin and force him or her to make his/her life better. So there is really nothing to feel guilty about. More? What more can you do? There comes a point when it is best to back off and let your adult child do it himself/herself, no matter where that takes him. All your money thrown to help the little honey has not done any good. It has made us broke and sad and when we attach our children's achievements to our own self esteem, we feel badly. The fact is, they are separate people from us and their achievements and failures are only on them. It's not like our kids lived in poverty, had poor schools, didn't have a chance to play team sports or have dancing lessons or lived in dangerous environments. They chose to find the clutter in the gold. There are bad people everywhere an d they tend to find them. How is this something we can control? What more can we do? If anything we do too much, they don't evaluate their lives because we are always there to rescue them and nothing changes until we change. The majority of our troubled darlings are using drugs...more than pot, although they will only cop to pot and we will often not even consider it is possible that there is more going on. I just read a memoir about a woman whose two middle class, beloved children were using heroin and she and her husband, who worked with them daily, did not know it. They can be very high functioning addicts or they can be secretive and shut us out. We think they are only smoking pot. Surprise. It is gutwrenching to find out our child who "never leaves the house" is actually an addict. At any rate, whatever is going on with our grown kids, we didn't cause it and we can't do anything to cure it. It is 100% on them. Guilt is a wasted emotion. My own reaction to hearing about how my son is a mess because of something I did when he was six was to finally disallow that kind of talk. If he brings up that I got a divorce and that's why blah, blah, blah, I gently disconnect the phone and will not pick it up again for three days. I won't read nasty texts either. Enough is enough. You are at least eighteen. You could be in college or working full time...clean and sober. You could be fighting for our country. You constantly tell us, "I'm eighteen so I can do what I want." That's right, you can. What happened when you were six is in the past. You need help getting over it? Contact your free/low cost mental health center and live your life anyway. You didn't have it so bad. You had it pretty good. Nobody has a perfect childhood. Grow up and deal with it. Kids have it much worse than you did and do much better. It is a choice. [/QUOTE]
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