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Substance Abuse
19 yr old and marijuana use
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742046" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Yes. This is beautiful. </p><p></p><p>It is really hard to watch our children flounder at any age. But I think Smithmom is right that it is too early to tell what shape your son’s life is going to take or whether marijuana will continue to be a major problem in his life. Not that his path isn’t concerning, but that many young people do go through this as a phase they grow out of rather than the beginning of a life of ruin. </p><p></p><p>In the meantime - I think you will find it helpful if you can find ways to disentangle your daily emotions and functioning from his choices. He is going to do what he is going to do, regardless of whether you are sitting on the floor in a puddle of tears and worry or going about your day and finding things to take joy in. Your worry and wallowing in pain are not helping him and not helping you. </p><p></p><p>I know how hard it is to put down that burden on constant worry. Sometimes holding onto our worry makes us feel connected to them when other connections have been severed. We feel like if we let go we are severing that last connection, or giving up on them somehow. Sometimes we feel like we would be bad mothers if we allowed ourselves to let it go. Our identity is tied to our motherhood, and therefore to Our children’s choices. Sometimes we punish ourselves for perceived past mistakes by wallowing in pain now. None of this is helpful or healthy, for ourselves, for our children, or for our relationship with them.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps it would help if you wrote down all of your worst fears and projections for the future. Really define what it is you fear will happen next. Take it all out to its logical conclusion. </p><p></p><p>And then let it go, for now. Perhaps even a ritual burning or another ceremony. Give all that over to your higher power if you believe, or simply to the universe. Acknowledge that none of it is in your control. </p><p></p><p>What you know, right now, is is he not holding down jobs. He is smoking weed and you would prefer he didn’t. He is living with another family that allows him to make these choices. But none of those things are immediately life threatening. Right now, he is safe. He is making choices you do not agree with, but they are his choices. Some of those choices may have unpleasant consequences for him, which he will have the opportunity to learn from if you don’t rescue him from those consequences. (I really hope you can resist the urge to rescue him.) </p><p></p><p>You can’t control his life or his choices at this stage. You just have to let him live it. What you CAN control is your life and your choices - including how you choose to let this affect you. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes people on this board call this process “changing the channel”. Acknowledge your worry and pain, and then set it aside. Change the channel and think about something else for a while. Give yourself permission to still find things to take joy in even if you feel your child is not alright. </p><p></p><p>This isn’t easy. I’ll confess I’m struggling with it this morning. But you deserve to have peace and a life of your own that doesn’t revolve around your worry for him 24/7. It does not make you a bad mother if you put the worry down for a while.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742046, member: 23349"] Yes. This is beautiful. It is really hard to watch our children flounder at any age. But I think Smithmom is right that it is too early to tell what shape your son’s life is going to take or whether marijuana will continue to be a major problem in his life. Not that his path isn’t concerning, but that many young people do go through this as a phase they grow out of rather than the beginning of a life of ruin. In the meantime - I think you will find it helpful if you can find ways to disentangle your daily emotions and functioning from his choices. He is going to do what he is going to do, regardless of whether you are sitting on the floor in a puddle of tears and worry or going about your day and finding things to take joy in. Your worry and wallowing in pain are not helping him and not helping you. I know how hard it is to put down that burden on constant worry. Sometimes holding onto our worry makes us feel connected to them when other connections have been severed. We feel like if we let go we are severing that last connection, or giving up on them somehow. Sometimes we feel like we would be bad mothers if we allowed ourselves to let it go. Our identity is tied to our motherhood, and therefore to Our children’s choices. Sometimes we punish ourselves for perceived past mistakes by wallowing in pain now. None of this is helpful or healthy, for ourselves, for our children, or for our relationship with them. Perhaps it would help if you wrote down all of your worst fears and projections for the future. Really define what it is you fear will happen next. Take it all out to its logical conclusion. And then let it go, for now. Perhaps even a ritual burning or another ceremony. Give all that over to your higher power if you believe, or simply to the universe. Acknowledge that none of it is in your control. What you know, right now, is is he not holding down jobs. He is smoking weed and you would prefer he didn’t. He is living with another family that allows him to make these choices. But none of those things are immediately life threatening. Right now, he is safe. He is making choices you do not agree with, but they are his choices. Some of those choices may have unpleasant consequences for him, which he will have the opportunity to learn from if you don’t rescue him from those consequences. (I really hope you can resist the urge to rescue him.) You can’t control his life or his choices at this stage. You just have to let him live it. What you CAN control is your life and your choices - including how you choose to let this affect you. Sometimes people on this board call this process “changing the channel”. Acknowledge your worry and pain, and then set it aside. Change the channel and think about something else for a while. Give yourself permission to still find things to take joy in even if you feel your child is not alright. This isn’t easy. I’ll confess I’m struggling with it this morning. But you deserve to have peace and a life of your own that doesn’t revolve around your worry for him 24/7. It does not make you a bad mother if you put the worry down for a while. [/QUOTE]
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