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Parent Emeritus
20 yo at home, no job
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 705724" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hilli. I could have written your post myself. Every element is the same, except for the age of my child. When he was 20 he was still OK. He is 28 now.</p><p></p><p>Five years ago I pushed him out. It got worse. And worse.</p><p></p><p>While other mothers here may see the answer in making our sons leave, in our case it was not the answer. The reality is there were no answers. There was not one right thing that I could do to help my son change, until he wanted to.</p><p></p><p>Still, my impulse is always now to kick him out. The marijuana. The lying. Manipulation. The avoidance. For me was impossible to bear. To him, his preferred lifestyle.</p><p></p><p>We are now riding him hard. Drug testing or the threat of it. He has to do something productive each day and bring us verification of same. Or each day he faces being kicked out. We realized we had no hope of influencing him to do better, if he was far from us. We feel that this way he is choosing to leave or stay. He is voting by his behavior and his accountability.</p><p></p><p>Your son chose to leave. By his choices. But a way back could be a simple requirement: do something constructive each day. If you do not, leave. Immediate consequences. He chooses. He can define what it is. You can decide if it is adequate. Simple. And immediate.</p><p></p><p>My G-d. I have had so many conditions. Like you. He never met one of them. He nodded yes to everything and smiled and deceived me and hurt himself in every instance. I set myself up every single time.</p><p></p><p>There is hope. But not if you do it. Only if he does. He has to realize, which I believe he may be beginning to, that he has no other option. In our case my son found people willing to help him, to enable him and to disempower us. It took 4 years in the wilderness until his attitude began to approach reasonable...so this had a chance to work. Whether or not, who knows?</p><p></p><p>But there is a way back. Some kids need to come home. I see that, now. Take care. Keep posting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 705724, member: 18958"] Hilli. I could have written your post myself. Every element is the same, except for the age of my child. When he was 20 he was still OK. He is 28 now. Five years ago I pushed him out. It got worse. And worse. While other mothers here may see the answer in making our sons leave, in our case it was not the answer. The reality is there were no answers. There was not one right thing that I could do to help my son change, until he wanted to. Still, my impulse is always now to kick him out. The marijuana. The lying. Manipulation. The avoidance. For me was impossible to bear. To him, his preferred lifestyle. We are now riding him hard. Drug testing or the threat of it. He has to do something productive each day and bring us verification of same. Or each day he faces being kicked out. We realized we had no hope of influencing him to do better, if he was far from us. We feel that this way he is choosing to leave or stay. He is voting by his behavior and his accountability. Your son chose to leave. By his choices. But a way back could be a simple requirement: do something constructive each day. If you do not, leave. Immediate consequences. He chooses. He can define what it is. You can decide if it is adequate. Simple. And immediate. My G-d. I have had so many conditions. Like you. He never met one of them. He nodded yes to everything and smiled and deceived me and hurt himself in every instance. I set myself up every single time. There is hope. But not if you do it. Only if he does. He has to realize, which I believe he may be beginning to, that he has no other option. In our case my son found people willing to help him, to enable him and to disempower us. It took 4 years in the wilderness until his attitude began to approach reasonable...so this had a chance to work. Whether or not, who knows? But there is a way back. Some kids need to come home. I see that, now. Take care. Keep posting. [/QUOTE]
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