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26 year old stepson stealing
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 617660" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Hi, Ralph</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry all this hurts so much, Huff. It helps me to remember that it hasn't been good with our difficult child kids for a long, long time. That's why we are here, learning how to take our lives in different, better, healthier directions. </p><p></p><p>Tried and true parenting techniques do not work with difficult child kids.</p><p></p><p>A difficult child son or daughter needs like, a drill instructor parent. difficult child kids need someone who could care less about their feelings. They need someone who models. "I'm the parent and you're not. Don't cross me." Instead, they have us, loving them, believing they will make it, absolutely devastated by the painful things that are happening to them and trying, with all our hearts, to make it better.</p><p></p><p>It is going to take time to learn how to do this thing we are committed to doing, Huff. It may be true that once we change, our difficult children will change, will become healthy and whole, again. That was the thinking that pushed me toward taking a detachment response to difficult child son. That if I changed, he would change. As I've progressed along the detachment path, I am realizing that when I change...the only thing that happens is that I get healthier. And as I get healthier, Huff? </p><p></p><p>I realize, right down in my heart and in my spirit, where it matters, that healthier for me and husband is enough, is a miracle. As I think will happen for you too Huff, as I begin to think in healthier patterns, I can see, so clearly, that neither of my children were helpless victims. They were fortunate children whose parents loved them so much that they accepted inappropriate behaviors because that's what the kids presented with. </p><p></p><p>This does not happen to the parents of easy child kids. If and when easy child kids do rebel, it is an episode, something fixable. easy child kids truly do feel remorse. They learn from their mistakes. difficult child kids? Not so much. I think the difference has to do with taking responsibility. easy child kids take responsibility for themselves, for the choices they've made. difficult child kids never do. It's almost like they are pushing to find the place where the parent will give up.</p><p></p><p>And when the parent does give up? Then the difficult child really goes on a bender.</p><p></p><p>And then?</p><p></p><p>They blame their mothers. Or their parents' divorce. Or their siblings' mental illness. Or the father's temper/livliehood/education you name it. </p><p></p><p>I still remember the first time difficult child son swore at me. I remember the first time he showed up on a family holiday, dirty and penniless and entitled (that part wasn't unusual) and I resented his presence.</p><p></p><p>I had never felt that way before, whatever shape he showed up in. I was so horrified at my own thought processes. I wondered what in the world was the matter with ME.</p><p></p><p>I am beginning to see that, where I once took total responsibility for having raised either of my kids so badly that they had no choice but to make those bad choices they made...they made those choices out of my sight, out of my care, and against my will and advice.</p><p></p><p>It's just that responsible people take responsibility. If we have a difficult child child, we take the reins and the responsibility. And though we may never have seen a horse like that before, we ride that horse until it is broken to the saddle or we are dead. Broken bones? No problem. Out of money? No problem, we will get the money somewhere. Lose a marriage? Goodbye, mate ~ I have this horse no one can ride and it's so worthless I am afraid they are going to turn it into dogfood. Have a great life, whatever, goodbye.</p><p></p><p>If, by some miracle, we do get off?</p><p></p><p>The horse keeps running, keeps biting, keeps destroying things right and left.</p><p></p><p>Know what it turns out the problem was?</p><p></p><p>Bad horse.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 617660, member: 17461"] Hi, Ralph :O) I'm sorry all this hurts so much, Huff. It helps me to remember that it hasn't been good with our difficult child kids for a long, long time. That's why we are here, learning how to take our lives in different, better, healthier directions. Tried and true parenting techniques do not work with difficult child kids. A difficult child son or daughter needs like, a drill instructor parent. difficult child kids need someone who could care less about their feelings. They need someone who models. "I'm the parent and you're not. Don't cross me." Instead, they have us, loving them, believing they will make it, absolutely devastated by the painful things that are happening to them and trying, with all our hearts, to make it better. It is going to take time to learn how to do this thing we are committed to doing, Huff. It may be true that once we change, our difficult children will change, will become healthy and whole, again. That was the thinking that pushed me toward taking a detachment response to difficult child son. That if I changed, he would change. As I've progressed along the detachment path, I am realizing that when I change...the only thing that happens is that I get healthier. And as I get healthier, Huff? I realize, right down in my heart and in my spirit, where it matters, that healthier for me and husband is enough, is a miracle. As I think will happen for you too Huff, as I begin to think in healthier patterns, I can see, so clearly, that neither of my children were helpless victims. They were fortunate children whose parents loved them so much that they accepted inappropriate behaviors because that's what the kids presented with. This does not happen to the parents of easy child kids. If and when easy child kids do rebel, it is an episode, something fixable. easy child kids truly do feel remorse. They learn from their mistakes. difficult child kids? Not so much. I think the difference has to do with taking responsibility. easy child kids take responsibility for themselves, for the choices they've made. difficult child kids never do. It's almost like they are pushing to find the place where the parent will give up. And when the parent does give up? Then the difficult child really goes on a bender. And then? They blame their mothers. Or their parents' divorce. Or their siblings' mental illness. Or the father's temper/livliehood/education you name it. I still remember the first time difficult child son swore at me. I remember the first time he showed up on a family holiday, dirty and penniless and entitled (that part wasn't unusual) and I resented his presence. I had never felt that way before, whatever shape he showed up in. I was so horrified at my own thought processes. I wondered what in the world was the matter with ME. I am beginning to see that, where I once took total responsibility for having raised either of my kids so badly that they had no choice but to make those bad choices they made...they made those choices out of my sight, out of my care, and against my will and advice. It's just that responsible people take responsibility. If we have a difficult child child, we take the reins and the responsibility. And though we may never have seen a horse like that before, we ride that horse until it is broken to the saddle or we are dead. Broken bones? No problem. Out of money? No problem, we will get the money somewhere. Lose a marriage? Goodbye, mate ~ I have this horse no one can ride and it's so worthless I am afraid they are going to turn it into dogfood. Have a great life, whatever, goodbye. If, by some miracle, we do get off? The horse keeps running, keeps biting, keeps destroying things right and left. Know what it turns out the problem was? Bad horse. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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