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29 Year Old Son Sucking the Life Out of Me
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 761069" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Momfedup</p><p></p><p>Welcome.</p><p></p><p>There are many similarities to our stories. I was a single mom too, of one child, my son who is 33. I worked but my son was also exposed to enriching things--like living outside of the country for awhile. For the past 12 years I have been involved with a man who is not my son's father. Like your husband, this man has tried to help my son and I. My son has the same immaturity you describe. </p><p></p><p>I think this is the crux of things. We struggle with blaming ourselves. On the one hand we know we could not have done much better. The fact that we had to work, and because there was no other parent involved, largely dictated the parameters of our situation. At the same time, I think on my part there is a lot of self-blame.</p><p></p><p>I think there is no perfect parent and no perfect upbringing. At the end of the day (when we grow up) everybody has to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and face their lives, either taking responsibility or not. </p><p></p><p>Our children are not meeting their moment in the way that we would want. The thing is, this is very widespread. The only control we have is to not buy in. What I mean by that is we do have control over whether we blame ourselves, and we have control over the kind of limits we set, both externally and internally. By internal limits I am referring to how much we are triggered by their behavior and the extent to which we can operate as individual people.</p><p></p><p>You see it is not just that our sons are not acting like effective and mature individuals. It's that we are not either. We feel tied together at the hip. This does not have to happen. We have control over the boundaries we have with our children. By boundaries I mean psychological boundaries as well as physical ones.</p><p></p><p>Many parents have found great support and a lot of learning at Al Anon groups. If you read the most recent posts of Busy you can find an excellent retelling of this way of thinking. </p><p></p><p>The gist of things is this: what your son does is on him. If he chooses not to learn. If he chooses to act bored when your husband tries to help him, to hit people up for loans, to work minimally, to be uncaring and unobservant of laws, etc., to manipulate, it's on him. It has nothing in the world to do with you or the kind of parent you were. </p><p></p><p>You can choose how involved with him you want to be. But it's on your terms, not his. It might be helpful to see a therapist and to think about what are your needs and to clarify your limits. A therapist would help you also set these limits and adhere to them. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like you've made a wonderful life, with your marriage, home, hobby, business, etc. All of this is worth protecting. But most of all you're worth protecting. There is no reason that you can't have a relationship with your child that is appropriate and not damaging. But first we have to come to grips with guilt that is NOT rooted in reality, guilt that is getting in the way. </p><p></p><p>You are NOT responsible for the way your son is living. He is responsible.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 761069, member: 18958"] Dear Momfedup Welcome. There are many similarities to our stories. I was a single mom too, of one child, my son who is 33. I worked but my son was also exposed to enriching things--like living outside of the country for awhile. For the past 12 years I have been involved with a man who is not my son's father. Like your husband, this man has tried to help my son and I. My son has the same immaturity you describe. I think this is the crux of things. We struggle with blaming ourselves. On the one hand we know we could not have done much better. The fact that we had to work, and because there was no other parent involved, largely dictated the parameters of our situation. At the same time, I think on my part there is a lot of self-blame. I think there is no perfect parent and no perfect upbringing. At the end of the day (when we grow up) everybody has to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and face their lives, either taking responsibility or not. Our children are not meeting their moment in the way that we would want. The thing is, this is very widespread. The only control we have is to not buy in. What I mean by that is we do have control over whether we blame ourselves, and we have control over the kind of limits we set, both externally and internally. By internal limits I am referring to how much we are triggered by their behavior and the extent to which we can operate as individual people. You see it is not just that our sons are not acting like effective and mature individuals. It's that we are not either. We feel tied together at the hip. This does not have to happen. We have control over the boundaries we have with our children. By boundaries I mean psychological boundaries as well as physical ones. Many parents have found great support and a lot of learning at Al Anon groups. If you read the most recent posts of Busy you can find an excellent retelling of this way of thinking. The gist of things is this: what your son does is on him. If he chooses not to learn. If he chooses to act bored when your husband tries to help him, to hit people up for loans, to work minimally, to be uncaring and unobservant of laws, etc., to manipulate, it's on him. It has nothing in the world to do with you or the kind of parent you were. You can choose how involved with him you want to be. But it's on your terms, not his. It might be helpful to see a therapist and to think about what are your needs and to clarify your limits. A therapist would help you also set these limits and adhere to them. It sounds like you've made a wonderful life, with your marriage, home, hobby, business, etc. All of this is worth protecting. But most of all you're worth protecting. There is no reason that you can't have a relationship with your child that is appropriate and not damaging. But first we have to come to grips with guilt that is NOT rooted in reality, guilt that is getting in the way. You are NOT responsible for the way your son is living. He is responsible. [/QUOTE]
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