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29 Year Old Son Sucking the Life Out of Me
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 761071" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>I found Nar Anon plus a therapist to help us stop enabling. My husband and I were near divorce when I finally went for help and stopped thinking that I could stop enabling Kay by myself. I needed help. I was sick too.</p><p></p><p>Trust me, we both did. Kay was thrown.out at 19 because she threw a glass vase at my son and it almost hit him in the eye. Enough. But I couldn't bear to make.her homeless and she would.not work. By then she was in a toxic relationship with her now husband. He did get a job delivering.pizzas so we decided to buy them a house and he could pay some of the mortgage. It was a cheap house but my husband and I and my.other kids fixed it up. Lee helped a bit. Kay not at all.</p><p></p><p>Guess what? Kay and Lee destroyed it and Lee had 1000 reasons not to pay us the piddly amount t we had asked for. Of course bills were on.us and.neighbors called the police on them because of their terrible loud fights. We gave up and sold the.house. We still did.mot want Kay to be.homeless so we.bought a mobile.home. The.lot rent was very cheap. Again Lee said he would.pay</p><p> He often.made decent money delivering.pizzas. Kay refused to work. Guess what? The manager told them they had to leave because the fights were sometimes physical now and out.in the open. They needed to move their home. We sold it.</p><p></p><p>Did we learn? Husband was getting fed up but I couldn't stand havimg.my."baby" homeless. We bought her a few cars and paid rent for apartments and.my dear husband.left me. He was done helping Kay and her useless husband.</p><p></p><p>Nar Anon and therapy helped me let go. I never would have been able to without the help.</p><p></p><p>Kay and Lee now.live in a motorhome (old)[, a state far away. They gave custody.of.my grandson, their toddler, to my thriving other daughter. Thank God but that's another story. She won't call or talk to us but we are doing great now that her son is safe.</p><p></p><p>I have learned that no matter how much money and even love you give to these types of kids it does not help unless THEY decide to change on their own. These adult kids take advantage of our love and many don't even act as if they love us back. Would you allow a spouse to treat you like your son does? It's abuse! They are not babies anymore. That cute little boy is a different person now.</p><p></p><p> I had to put away my childhood pictures of Kay. They hurt me too much. Having my two other kids help us. They have been great and loving since Day.1. I feel guilty at times because Kay is adopted. Did she feel like less? It haunts me. Since she wouldn't go to counseling, or when we forced her, would NOT speak to a therapist, we couldn't know.</p><p></p><p>My best advice is to not try to detach without help. I never could have. Also, if you have a good man, do NOT choose your adult child over him. Who will be there in the long term? I know Kay won't.</p><p></p><p>Kids need a reason to grow up. Kay is not where my dreams took me when I first laid eyes on her and fell in love. But she does have a place to stay and the two cousins she still talks to say she feels free...that she is happy not participating in "the rat race." We closed The Bank of Dad and Mom so she won't call us. But we will not give her money. We spent enough. Meanwhile Kay and Lee have managed to both get SSDI, food share and Medicaid. Kay refused to get these things until our bank shut down. Anyhow I know they are eating and have medical care. They can apply for low income housing too, if they want.</p><p></p><p>Kay is in her 30s. I may never see her again. But we have peace now and the rest of us are together and stronger than ever.</p><p></p><p>Prayers.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 761071, member: 23706"] I found Nar Anon plus a therapist to help us stop enabling. My husband and I were near divorce when I finally went for help and stopped thinking that I could stop enabling Kay by myself. I needed help. I was sick too. Trust me, we both did. Kay was thrown.out at 19 because she threw a glass vase at my son and it almost hit him in the eye. Enough. But I couldn't bear to make.her homeless and she would.not work. By then she was in a toxic relationship with her now husband. He did get a job delivering.pizzas so we decided to buy them a house and he could pay some of the mortgage. It was a cheap house but my husband and I and my.other kids fixed it up. Lee helped a bit. Kay not at all. Guess what? Kay and Lee destroyed it and Lee had 1000 reasons not to pay us the piddly amount t we had asked for. Of course bills were on.us and.neighbors called the police on them because of their terrible loud fights. We gave up and sold the.house. We still did.mot want Kay to be.homeless so we.bought a mobile.home. The.lot rent was very cheap. Again Lee said he would.pay He often.made decent money delivering.pizzas. Kay refused to work. Guess what? The manager told them they had to leave because the fights were sometimes physical now and out.in the open. They needed to move their home. We sold it. Did we learn? Husband was getting fed up but I couldn't stand havimg.my."baby" homeless. We bought her a few cars and paid rent for apartments and.my dear husband.left me. He was done helping Kay and her useless husband. Nar Anon and therapy helped me let go. I never would have been able to without the help. Kay and Lee now.live in a motorhome (old)[, a state far away. They gave custody.of.my grandson, their toddler, to my thriving other daughter. Thank God but that's another story. She won't call or talk to us but we are doing great now that her son is safe. I have learned that no matter how much money and even love you give to these types of kids it does not help unless THEY decide to change on their own. These adult kids take advantage of our love and many don't even act as if they love us back. Would you allow a spouse to treat you like your son does? It's abuse! They are not babies anymore. That cute little boy is a different person now. I had to put away my childhood pictures of Kay. They hurt me too much. Having my two other kids help us. They have been great and loving since Day.1. I feel guilty at times because Kay is adopted. Did she feel like less? It haunts me. Since she wouldn't go to counseling, or when we forced her, would NOT speak to a therapist, we couldn't know. My best advice is to not try to detach without help. I never could have. Also, if you have a good man, do NOT choose your adult child over him. Who will be there in the long term? I know Kay won't. Kids need a reason to grow up. Kay is not where my dreams took me when I first laid eyes on her and fell in love. But she does have a place to stay and the two cousins she still talks to say she feels free...that she is happy not participating in "the rat race." We closed The Bank of Dad and Mom so she won't call us. But we will not give her money. We spent enough. Meanwhile Kay and Lee have managed to both get SSDI, food share and Medicaid. Kay refused to get these things until our bank shut down. Anyhow I know they are eating and have medical care. They can apply for low income housing too, if they want. Kay is in her 30s. I may never see her again. But we have peace now and the rest of us are together and stronger than ever. Prayers. [/QUOTE]
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