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34 year old son is killing my soul
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<blockquote data-quote="beebz" data-source="post: 742215" data-attributes="member: 23451"><p>Hello all who replied. I love participating in a forum; it helps, it really does. I believe the last I participated I had a dog recovering from surgery and one who I was contemplating on letting go, euthanasia.</p><p>I am a dog lover to a degree that a non dog lover would think is insane. My best friends say when they die, if there is such a thing as "coming back", they want to come back as my pet (dog).</p><p>So, my husband arrived home from a work trip; I had informed him that my baby (dog) had either a seizure or a stroke. I carried 85 lbs of Boxer into the living room, laid down blankets and pillows and we said our goodbyes, I kissed him dozens of times, I held him, massaged him, laid cheek to cheek with him, rubbed all his favorite places and kept my lips on his fat little cheek- and then he died. I've lost 2 dogs now in the past 90 days and so much joy and my glory of living has left my home. Papi was not supposed to die last Thursday. It came as a shock. The last 4 dogs were ill for extended periods of time and I chose to end their suffering. But Papi, while deciding who what when where and how, and making him comfortable, and medicating him for pain, he took his last breathe in my arms. </p><p></p><p>I spent the weekend with my grand daughters. I am struggling on full time custody, however, I get them every weekend from an Aunt in the family. We rode the hills leaf peeping (in the truck) we had a picnic, we flew kites, we fed geese, we laid on blankets and cuddled when the wind blew brisk in the early a.m., by noon we shed out coats ! We went Amish shopping and ate mass amounts of candy and sandwiches and homemade bacon ranch dip. We had dark chocolate raisons and milk chocolate raisons, we hiked. The next day we did "rails to trails" on our bicycles and had a quickie picnic. We ate lots of yummies all weekend and had cake for breakfast.</p><p></p><p>Today, the hurt over my Papi and the absence of my first born is so dark and sad. We should never say we have favorites but those two are my favorites - lol - in their own way they are favored for certain things and the other humans and pets are favored for their certain attributes lol</p><p></p><p>At any rate, yes, my son is alive yet I am grieving him. The absence of a son, who is on drugs and homeless, unemployed etc, those feelings and experiences daily are the same exact thing as grieving a death as I was once told by a Dr.</p><p></p><p>My head is scattered. Actually Thursday night after losing my Papi (boxer dog) I went gambling and won 5k - I was a tad happy but my husband didn't crack a smile what-so-ever. He is still grieving the Boxer we lost 90 days ago. Then to come home to say goodbye to his second Boxer just tore him up. So, the casino win was like eh whatever, we'll put it in the bank and pay the bills. Apparently we've been through so much over the past several years that gambling was the only thing that we wanted to do; sit there like idiots and let machines take our money hoping for the 3 lucky symbols or numbers that would go ding ding ding and thinking that "one more spin" would be the one lol - entertainment for idiots. At least we didn't take to alcohol ! That would have been a 10 year blackout with DUI's and ending up in jail probably. </p><p></p><p>So, here I sit, with a massive hurting heart over Papi my Boxer dog and my missing son. It is nearly impossible to shut off feelings. I let go , yes, finally, I stopped enabling , finally, I live my life, yes, but to get it out of your mind and heart is impossible.</p><p></p><p>Thanks again for letting me vent ....</p><p>~beebz</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="beebz, post: 742215, member: 23451"] Hello all who replied. I love participating in a forum; it helps, it really does. I believe the last I participated I had a dog recovering from surgery and one who I was contemplating on letting go, euthanasia. I am a dog lover to a degree that a non dog lover would think is insane. My best friends say when they die, if there is such a thing as "coming back", they want to come back as my pet (dog). So, my husband arrived home from a work trip; I had informed him that my baby (dog) had either a seizure or a stroke. I carried 85 lbs of Boxer into the living room, laid down blankets and pillows and we said our goodbyes, I kissed him dozens of times, I held him, massaged him, laid cheek to cheek with him, rubbed all his favorite places and kept my lips on his fat little cheek- and then he died. I've lost 2 dogs now in the past 90 days and so much joy and my glory of living has left my home. Papi was not supposed to die last Thursday. It came as a shock. The last 4 dogs were ill for extended periods of time and I chose to end their suffering. But Papi, while deciding who what when where and how, and making him comfortable, and medicating him for pain, he took his last breathe in my arms. I spent the weekend with my grand daughters. I am struggling on full time custody, however, I get them every weekend from an Aunt in the family. We rode the hills leaf peeping (in the truck) we had a picnic, we flew kites, we fed geese, we laid on blankets and cuddled when the wind blew brisk in the early a.m., by noon we shed out coats ! We went Amish shopping and ate mass amounts of candy and sandwiches and homemade bacon ranch dip. We had dark chocolate raisons and milk chocolate raisons, we hiked. The next day we did "rails to trails" on our bicycles and had a quickie picnic. We ate lots of yummies all weekend and had cake for breakfast. Today, the hurt over my Papi and the absence of my first born is so dark and sad. We should never say we have favorites but those two are my favorites - lol - in their own way they are favored for certain things and the other humans and pets are favored for their certain attributes lol At any rate, yes, my son is alive yet I am grieving him. The absence of a son, who is on drugs and homeless, unemployed etc, those feelings and experiences daily are the same exact thing as grieving a death as I was once told by a Dr. My head is scattered. Actually Thursday night after losing my Papi (boxer dog) I went gambling and won 5k - I was a tad happy but my husband didn't crack a smile what-so-ever. He is still grieving the Boxer we lost 90 days ago. Then to come home to say goodbye to his second Boxer just tore him up. So, the casino win was like eh whatever, we'll put it in the bank and pay the bills. Apparently we've been through so much over the past several years that gambling was the only thing that we wanted to do; sit there like idiots and let machines take our money hoping for the 3 lucky symbols or numbers that would go ding ding ding and thinking that "one more spin" would be the one lol - entertainment for idiots. At least we didn't take to alcohol ! That would have been a 10 year blackout with DUI's and ending up in jail probably. So, here I sit, with a massive hurting heart over Papi my Boxer dog and my missing son. It is nearly impossible to shut off feelings. I let go , yes, finally, I stopped enabling , finally, I live my life, yes, but to get it out of your mind and heart is impossible. Thanks again for letting me vent .... ~beebz [/QUOTE]
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