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34 year old son is killing my soul
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<blockquote data-quote="beebz" data-source="post: 748750" data-attributes="member: 23451"><p>Good Morning, afternoon and evening to all and wherever you are located.</p><p></p><p>I read back at my last few posts and realized how much I was repeating myself. I sure am in a dark dark dark place. One thing that really struck me was the line about our adult children *holding our emotions hostage* - I am still in that place.</p><p></p><p>I haven't really given in to the large gifts of cars cash and bailouts; or a roof over their heads at my expense; but I do see him every few weeks.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday I saw him to give him his 4th birth certificate to start from the bottom again on Identificatio to get employment and some kind of start again in life.</p><p></p><p>When I gave him a lift to the next town, upon arrival at picking him up, when I saw him he looked awful, just awful. So skinny and sloppy and homeless carrying a plastic sack with his too large clothing in it. I lectured him once again. Maybe words will work this time. I told him when he calls me with "good news" then I may participate in his long road to success.</p><p></p><p>I recently had a horrid illness and am back to square one with trying multiple antidepressants to help me cope (to no avail yet). The pills that work give me severe side effects and the ones that don't give me side effects do not help my head at all.</p><p></p><p>I found out some things through the grapevine recently. My sons wife took up with an older man who seems to be *saving* her. I saw her and she gained weight, came out of her psychosis, and seems happy. She does not have custody of her girls yet as myself and her mom are still sharing the raising of the little princesses.</p><p></p><p>I got a letter in the mail to my son that is a form from a medical center asking him to fill it out about his recent visit. I can't think of the term right now - lol - it is escaping me, right on the tip of my tongue. There it is, survey? Well, it seems he overdosed on heroin or whatever it may have been; fentynal? </p><p>He received 3 narcans, a ride to the hospital to be revived, and their car got impounded. </p><p></p><p>The drugs have a strong hold on him. Its been his whole life. I don't know that he has ever been sober.</p><p></p><p>I pulled my vehicle over when I picked him up yesterday, to talk, to look him straight/dead in the eyes to unload on him. I told him I wanted to bring him *home* to help him but I can't. I told him he *makes me sick* - I saw his heart stop when I said that. I clarified that it's not *you make me sick you gross human*, its *you make me sick with worry*. My husband yells at me that I can't see our son or let him visit his girls when I have them because I always go downhill during and after his visit.</p><p></p><p>I told my son when I was gathering my keys etc, to pick him up yesterday, that I immediately *got sick* , couldn't think straight, started vomiting and gagging in the trash can etc. However, I knew that I was only going to give him a lift to the next town. I knew that I have gotten a tad bit stronger to be able to say *get out of my car* - so, yesterday I said *bye, I love you, and call me with some good news, call me with some good news*</p><p></p><p>I AM afraid he is going to die. I see, at this time, that his soul is dead. He is trying, he doesn't want to commit suicide willingly, but I think he doesn't mind if he overdoses. The road back is long and the debt is 50k at least right now of credit cards and court judgements in a tri-county area of breaking leases for 3 years straight and getting judgements for the remaining year's rent which sure adds up.</p><p></p><p>I have taken the huge step of *dropping him off* whenever I see him, no matter how hard it is, that is a huge step for me. I don't see any steps for him yet; I do and I don't. I hope, I pray, I beg the creator. I am missing out on life, but this IS life, this is the life of parents, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, aunts uncles grandparents and friends of an addict.</p><p></p><p>Funny thing is, when he got in the car, for a ride to the next town, he got in the back seat (I had stopped by home, traded cars and picked up my husband to run errands on the way back) anyhow, the son got in the back seat; a moment later his arm came up through the center console with a 5 dollar bill and a lighter. I said whats that, he said "it was back here on the floor". I just can't believe his honesty. I took the lighter, and handed him back the 5. Of course the thought of *will that be the *5* that kills him* - ugh. I hate those thoughts. ...... husband didn't speak a word to him, not even a hello, hey, hi, later dude..... nothing. That chaps my arse so bad. I understand anger, disappointment etc - but husbands feelings come through as *hate* - and I have to deal with THAT also. </p><p></p><p>Again, thank you kindly for reading, listening, replying and helping me through this. I really can't believe some of your stories and grief and how we all parallel with each other on this planet with what reads as identical issues with our adult children.</p><p></p><p>I feel all of you deeply and am glad I found this place to let it all out.</p><p></p><p>Have a lovely day and stay safe to all and any who are in the path of the latest weather pattern upon us lately.</p><p></p><p>Hugs - B</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="beebz, post: 748750, member: 23451"] Good Morning, afternoon and evening to all and wherever you are located. I read back at my last few posts and realized how much I was repeating myself. I sure am in a dark dark dark place. One thing that really struck me was the line about our adult children *holding our emotions hostage* - I am still in that place. I haven't really given in to the large gifts of cars cash and bailouts; or a roof over their heads at my expense; but I do see him every few weeks. Yesterday I saw him to give him his 4th birth certificate to start from the bottom again on Identificatio to get employment and some kind of start again in life. When I gave him a lift to the next town, upon arrival at picking him up, when I saw him he looked awful, just awful. So skinny and sloppy and homeless carrying a plastic sack with his too large clothing in it. I lectured him once again. Maybe words will work this time. I told him when he calls me with "good news" then I may participate in his long road to success. I recently had a horrid illness and am back to square one with trying multiple antidepressants to help me cope (to no avail yet). The pills that work give me severe side effects and the ones that don't give me side effects do not help my head at all. I found out some things through the grapevine recently. My sons wife took up with an older man who seems to be *saving* her. I saw her and she gained weight, came out of her psychosis, and seems happy. She does not have custody of her girls yet as myself and her mom are still sharing the raising of the little princesses. I got a letter in the mail to my son that is a form from a medical center asking him to fill it out about his recent visit. I can't think of the term right now - lol - it is escaping me, right on the tip of my tongue. There it is, survey? Well, it seems he overdosed on heroin or whatever it may have been; fentynal? He received 3 narcans, a ride to the hospital to be revived, and their car got impounded. The drugs have a strong hold on him. Its been his whole life. I don't know that he has ever been sober. I pulled my vehicle over when I picked him up yesterday, to talk, to look him straight/dead in the eyes to unload on him. I told him I wanted to bring him *home* to help him but I can't. I told him he *makes me sick* - I saw his heart stop when I said that. I clarified that it's not *you make me sick you gross human*, its *you make me sick with worry*. My husband yells at me that I can't see our son or let him visit his girls when I have them because I always go downhill during and after his visit. I told my son when I was gathering my keys etc, to pick him up yesterday, that I immediately *got sick* , couldn't think straight, started vomiting and gagging in the trash can etc. However, I knew that I was only going to give him a lift to the next town. I knew that I have gotten a tad bit stronger to be able to say *get out of my car* - so, yesterday I said *bye, I love you, and call me with some good news, call me with some good news* I AM afraid he is going to die. I see, at this time, that his soul is dead. He is trying, he doesn't want to commit suicide willingly, but I think he doesn't mind if he overdoses. The road back is long and the debt is 50k at least right now of credit cards and court judgements in a tri-county area of breaking leases for 3 years straight and getting judgements for the remaining year's rent which sure adds up. I have taken the huge step of *dropping him off* whenever I see him, no matter how hard it is, that is a huge step for me. I don't see any steps for him yet; I do and I don't. I hope, I pray, I beg the creator. I am missing out on life, but this IS life, this is the life of parents, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, aunts uncles grandparents and friends of an addict. Funny thing is, when he got in the car, for a ride to the next town, he got in the back seat (I had stopped by home, traded cars and picked up my husband to run errands on the way back) anyhow, the son got in the back seat; a moment later his arm came up through the center console with a 5 dollar bill and a lighter. I said whats that, he said "it was back here on the floor". I just can't believe his honesty. I took the lighter, and handed him back the 5. Of course the thought of *will that be the *5* that kills him* - ugh. I hate those thoughts. ...... husband didn't speak a word to him, not even a hello, hey, hi, later dude..... nothing. That chaps my arse so bad. I understand anger, disappointment etc - but husbands feelings come through as *hate* - and I have to deal with THAT also. Again, thank you kindly for reading, listening, replying and helping me through this. I really can't believe some of your stories and grief and how we all parallel with each other on this planet with what reads as identical issues with our adult children. I feel all of you deeply and am glad I found this place to let it all out. Have a lovely day and stay safe to all and any who are in the path of the latest weather pattern upon us lately. Hugs - B [/QUOTE]
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