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34 year old son is killing my soul
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 748798" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>First, I just want to send you a BIG HUG!!</p><p>I'm glad you posted an update. Thanks for sharing with us.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I have lost count how many copies I have given my son. I will not do it again and made this very clear to him. I no longer live in the state where he was born and have to order copies online. I've spent a couple hundred bucks just on getting him copies.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Your husband is concerned for your health and mental well being. </p><p>I think there can be a parallel with our kids. They are addicted to drugs and we can be addicted to trying to help them. Just as the drugs are not good for them, we, the parents staying stuck in "rescue mode" is not good for us.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is a real and valid fear. I used to let thoughts of my son dying consume me. Worrying if he died in a ditch would I ever know. The only way I was able to move on from these thoughts was to really face the fear and accept it. Yes, my son could die and I may never know. I then allowed myself to work through the grieving process. Yes, we can grieve for someone who is still alive. I grieved for the sweet little boy that I once knew and could cuddle with. I grieved for all the hopes and dreams I had for him. I grieved for myself as a mother that I would never have a close loving relationship with my one and only child.</p><p>I had to make a choice to not allow the fear to grip me to the point I couldn't breathe.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, it's a long road back and the debt is his not yours. I have paid off debt for my son thinking I was helping him. All that accomplished was him obtaining more debt. </p><p>The bank of Mom & Dad is closed to my son. Even if I had a million dollars to give him I know that he would not be responsible with it. Money or lack of money is not the problem, it's their lack of choosing to be responsible.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Dear one, you may never see steps for him and my suggestion is to stop looking. Life is short and just as our adult kids choose to live their lives, we must do the same. Your life matters. There are other people in your life besides your son that are there for you, that love you and want to be a part of your life. </p><p>One of the best things I ever did for myself was to take my life back and to stop trying to "fix" my son's life. You need to focus on your physical and mental health. You need to do things that bring you joy. It's okay to be happy even when our kids lives are miserable. This does not make us insensitive to them. We will always love our kids but we cannot live for them, we must live for ourselves. We are not defined by being a "mom", we are so much more than that.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Your perception of your husbands feelings coming through as hate is just that, your perception. Yes, your son may perceive this as hate also but your son needs to own his part in why your husband remains silent. </p><p>Please do not take on what your husbands emotions are. From what I can glean from your posts, your husband is fed up. His feelings are valid. </p><p>My husband and I have at times, over the years, been on opposite sides of how to deal with our son. My husband is usually more willing to give in than I am. What I can tell you is this, I will not allow how I feel or how my husband feels about our son to drive a wedge between us. If you are not doing so already, I suggest you and your husband make sure to take time just for the two of you. My husband and I would take drives on the weekend, just get in the car and go. The one rule was that we could not discuss or son. Sometimes there was lots of silence but the simple act of putting my hand on his leg let him know that I still loved him.</p><p></p><p>This is not an easy journey beebz but you are not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 748798, member: 18516"] First, I just want to send you a BIG HUG!! I'm glad you posted an update. Thanks for sharing with us. I have lost count how many copies I have given my son. I will not do it again and made this very clear to him. I no longer live in the state where he was born and have to order copies online. I've spent a couple hundred bucks just on getting him copies. Your husband is concerned for your health and mental well being. I think there can be a parallel with our kids. They are addicted to drugs and we can be addicted to trying to help them. Just as the drugs are not good for them, we, the parents staying stuck in "rescue mode" is not good for us. This is a real and valid fear. I used to let thoughts of my son dying consume me. Worrying if he died in a ditch would I ever know. The only way I was able to move on from these thoughts was to really face the fear and accept it. Yes, my son could die and I may never know. I then allowed myself to work through the grieving process. Yes, we can grieve for someone who is still alive. I grieved for the sweet little boy that I once knew and could cuddle with. I grieved for all the hopes and dreams I had for him. I grieved for myself as a mother that I would never have a close loving relationship with my one and only child. I had to make a choice to not allow the fear to grip me to the point I couldn't breathe. Yes, it's a long road back and the debt is his not yours. I have paid off debt for my son thinking I was helping him. All that accomplished was him obtaining more debt. The bank of Mom & Dad is closed to my son. Even if I had a million dollars to give him I know that he would not be responsible with it. Money or lack of money is not the problem, it's their lack of choosing to be responsible. Dear one, you may never see steps for him and my suggestion is to stop looking. Life is short and just as our adult kids choose to live their lives, we must do the same. Your life matters. There are other people in your life besides your son that are there for you, that love you and want to be a part of your life. One of the best things I ever did for myself was to take my life back and to stop trying to "fix" my son's life. You need to focus on your physical and mental health. You need to do things that bring you joy. It's okay to be happy even when our kids lives are miserable. This does not make us insensitive to them. We will always love our kids but we cannot live for them, we must live for ourselves. We are not defined by being a "mom", we are so much more than that. Your perception of your husbands feelings coming through as hate is just that, your perception. Yes, your son may perceive this as hate also but your son needs to own his part in why your husband remains silent. Please do not take on what your husbands emotions are. From what I can glean from your posts, your husband is fed up. His feelings are valid. My husband and I have at times, over the years, been on opposite sides of how to deal with our son. My husband is usually more willing to give in than I am. What I can tell you is this, I will not allow how I feel or how my husband feels about our son to drive a wedge between us. If you are not doing so already, I suggest you and your husband make sure to take time just for the two of you. My husband and I would take drives on the weekend, just get in the car and go. The one rule was that we could not discuss or son. Sometimes there was lots of silence but the simple act of putting my hand on his leg let him know that I still loved him. This is not an easy journey beebz but you are not alone. [/QUOTE]
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