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34 year old son is killing my soul
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<blockquote data-quote="beebz" data-source="post: 753723" data-attributes="member: 23451"><p>I cried out to a higher power yesterday that enough is enough. I cannot take any more pain, stress, sorrow, soul searching, abuse, torture, heartache, visual horror and things that in my 58 years have never even seen in a best written script in the movies. This is real life. Movies are fake bullsh**. </p><p></p><p>As usual, I have my granddaughters every weekend, and may or may not let their father, my son, come to my home and visit with them. I guess every other time it goes well. I DID have to stop dropping him off into the black hole every Sunday eve because my heart couldn't take it any more. The terrorizing sobbing is going to get me killed while I am trying to drive back home. Last weekend the girls had their first ever breakdown when I was going to return them to their *legal home/address/grandma. The little one yelled and shook in such horror that she started hyperventilating and even spoke of running away. No, no no help, don't make me go, I can't go there anymore, please,. I asked her if anything ever happened to which she replied no, which I believe wholeheartedly. She just prefers it here. They continued to have total melt downs all week long at the other grandma's. When I went to pick them up the next Friday night to bring them back to my home; the other GM(grandma) told me what a perfectly orchestrated machine her and I have been with these girls for over a year and a half now and had zero problems and it seems as tho ever since their dad (my son) has been here every weekend they seem to be melting down and this needs to change. Nothing particular was spoke of but either they won't be able to come here anymore or their dad needs to stay away. I agree; we're both not in our 20's any more to have to deal with this on top of our homeless adult kids.</p><p></p><p>I knew when my son arrived this weekend for his visit, that I had to have the talk with him about keeping it light. NO talking to the girls about your f*****g pipe dreams. Pi** or get off the pot but keep their dang little minds out of it. Come here and play, giggle, hike, fish, tickle, wrestle, arts and crafts, fun foods, games, bingo, Trouble, scavenger hunts etc but keep your mouth shut otherwise. </p><p>Basically as soon as he got in my truck I laid into him to quit making it hard on me and the other GM. There was no perfect time to "have the talk" as my son sees it. We were never allowed to speak without him groaning that we ruined his morning, or ruined his night, or ruined his breakfast or he was having a good day until I spoke or why do I always have to be so negative, or every time you open your mouth its criticism., or really mom, right before bed? or really mom, right when I wake up, or really mom, in the middle of the day when all was going well? f'ing baby - I get so dang mad. I wish he could see his ways. I don't need to explain crapola to you anymore. You ain't here to bully me. The visit ended extremely quickly to where his father dumped him into the abyss in the middle of his visit. Next weekend I pray for strength to NOT let him visit at all.</p><p>He nodded frequently when he was here for 18 hours. Not so much in and out but just plain ole out ! </p><p>He hasn't bathed since he left my home the prior week. Its so gross. How and why? He is trying to tell me he is working but I don't know. I just don't know. I'll believe his life when he proves his daddyhood.</p><p>I had to spend the rest of the day trying not to break down in front of the girls because I hurt so deeply no matter what, he is my son and I love him. I was mega thankful when I dropped them off to the other GM's and she had the house blazing Christmas decorations/tree so I could slip out quickly without a prolonged visit and I could fall the hell apart.</p><p>I feel like I am out of hope, I feel like I am out of life dreams and am in limbo.</p><p>I am in limbo. I told my HB last night that I will never ever get over this and the depth of this pain whether he is dead or alive. I try, Lord knows I try.</p><p>It will not get easier, how can it? It can't hurt less - it is what it is - its a living breathing horror show that I am in and have spent the last 19 years trying to get out of. Dropped in the middle of a maze thats a trick, with no way out ! ! ! </p><p>I want others suffering to know - I understand that we are not supposed to enable, not let them live in our heads rent free, not let them hold us hostage etc. But I can tell you this, for me, and probably millions of others, there really is no way to make this not hurt, and no, sometimes it simply doesn't subside or get better. We just continue to put one foot in front of the other and watch the years go by. Sure, try medication, therapy, alcohol, antidepressants - but know that it is ok to hurt and cry - and frequently needed as possibly sometimes the best therapy - a good cry.</p><p>Much love to all of you - ~beebz</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="beebz, post: 753723, member: 23451"] I cried out to a higher power yesterday that enough is enough. I cannot take any more pain, stress, sorrow, soul searching, abuse, torture, heartache, visual horror and things that in my 58 years have never even seen in a best written script in the movies. This is real life. Movies are fake bullsh**. As usual, I have my granddaughters every weekend, and may or may not let their father, my son, come to my home and visit with them. I guess every other time it goes well. I DID have to stop dropping him off into the black hole every Sunday eve because my heart couldn't take it any more. The terrorizing sobbing is going to get me killed while I am trying to drive back home. Last weekend the girls had their first ever breakdown when I was going to return them to their *legal home/address/grandma. The little one yelled and shook in such horror that she started hyperventilating and even spoke of running away. No, no no help, don't make me go, I can't go there anymore, please,. I asked her if anything ever happened to which she replied no, which I believe wholeheartedly. She just prefers it here. They continued to have total melt downs all week long at the other grandma's. When I went to pick them up the next Friday night to bring them back to my home; the other GM(grandma) told me what a perfectly orchestrated machine her and I have been with these girls for over a year and a half now and had zero problems and it seems as tho ever since their dad (my son) has been here every weekend they seem to be melting down and this needs to change. Nothing particular was spoke of but either they won't be able to come here anymore or their dad needs to stay away. I agree; we're both not in our 20's any more to have to deal with this on top of our homeless adult kids. I knew when my son arrived this weekend for his visit, that I had to have the talk with him about keeping it light. NO talking to the girls about your f*****g pipe dreams. Pi** or get off the pot but keep their dang little minds out of it. Come here and play, giggle, hike, fish, tickle, wrestle, arts and crafts, fun foods, games, bingo, Trouble, scavenger hunts etc but keep your mouth shut otherwise. Basically as soon as he got in my truck I laid into him to quit making it hard on me and the other GM. There was no perfect time to "have the talk" as my son sees it. We were never allowed to speak without him groaning that we ruined his morning, or ruined his night, or ruined his breakfast or he was having a good day until I spoke or why do I always have to be so negative, or every time you open your mouth its criticism., or really mom, right before bed? or really mom, right when I wake up, or really mom, in the middle of the day when all was going well? f'ing baby - I get so dang mad. I wish he could see his ways. I don't need to explain crapola to you anymore. You ain't here to bully me. The visit ended extremely quickly to where his father dumped him into the abyss in the middle of his visit. Next weekend I pray for strength to NOT let him visit at all. He nodded frequently when he was here for 18 hours. Not so much in and out but just plain ole out ! He hasn't bathed since he left my home the prior week. Its so gross. How and why? He is trying to tell me he is working but I don't know. I just don't know. I'll believe his life when he proves his daddyhood. I had to spend the rest of the day trying not to break down in front of the girls because I hurt so deeply no matter what, he is my son and I love him. I was mega thankful when I dropped them off to the other GM's and she had the house blazing Christmas decorations/tree so I could slip out quickly without a prolonged visit and I could fall the hell apart. I feel like I am out of hope, I feel like I am out of life dreams and am in limbo. I am in limbo. I told my HB last night that I will never ever get over this and the depth of this pain whether he is dead or alive. I try, Lord knows I try. It will not get easier, how can it? It can't hurt less - it is what it is - its a living breathing horror show that I am in and have spent the last 19 years trying to get out of. Dropped in the middle of a maze thats a trick, with no way out ! ! ! I want others suffering to know - I understand that we are not supposed to enable, not let them live in our heads rent free, not let them hold us hostage etc. But I can tell you this, for me, and probably millions of others, there really is no way to make this not hurt, and no, sometimes it simply doesn't subside or get better. We just continue to put one foot in front of the other and watch the years go by. Sure, try medication, therapy, alcohol, antidepressants - but know that it is ok to hurt and cry - and frequently needed as possibly sometimes the best therapy - a good cry. Much love to all of you - ~beebz [/QUOTE]
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