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Failure to Thrive
37-year old and parents in bad shape
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 700487" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Jon. I'm sorry for the struggles with your son. I'm glad you found us, many of us have been in your shoes.</p><p></p><p>I have a 43 year old daughter whom I've had to detach from too. It took me a long time to recognize that my helping was really enabling her and once I stopped, she began her own journey <em>without my help.</em> It's a process to learn to let go of our adult difficult children and to allow them to face the consequences of their choices and behavior. You and your wife deserve to have these years in our 60's be free of stress.......<em><strong>you deserve peace of mind.</strong></em></p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment on the Parent Emeritus forum, it's helpful. You may also want to contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can reach them online and they have chapters in many cities. They have excellent courses for parents which can assist you with resources, information, guidance, support and compassion. They also may have resources for your son. Alanon is a wonderful support system, I'm glad you have availed yourself to the support they offer. Another helpful resource is the book <u>Codependent no more </u>by Melodie Beatty.</p><p></p><p>You may also want to check the eviction laws in your state, often removing our adult kids from our homes involves legal proceedings. You will want all your ducks in order. The process of disability is, as you mentioned, a long process, and I see no reason why your son needs to live with you during that process. It seems as if the time is right for him to be on his own now. You appear to have started that ball rolling and are now looking for acknowledgment that this is the right choice. I believe it is the right choice. You've done all you can do, any change that will happen is completely up to your son to make. As long as you allow him to live with you, and support his poor choices, he will not learn to accept responsibility for his actions. He is a grown adult man, it is time for him to live on his own, even if that means the Salvation Army. The hell he has put you through is <u><em><strong>his</strong></em></u> hell, <strong><em><u>not</u></em></strong> yours. </p><p></p><p>When you return, my suggestion is that you give him a date to leave and stick to it. If you require eviction notice, then find out what the laws are and serve him with papers. Offer him a list of resources in the community if that feels right, shelters, food banks, social services, etc. Get yourself as much support as you can, for now and for the future when he is likely to pull on your heartstrings to make you change your mind so he can continue living in the way he desires. Usually before they let go and begin their own lives, they put us through the mill with manipulations and huge efforts to make us change our minds, be prepared for that. </p><p></p><p>This is difficult. It is not what we thought parenting would be. We have to learn to parent our adult difficult children very differently. It is challenging to let go, detach and accept what is. It sounds to me like you know it is time for your son to be on his own. That realization is tough to get to. It seems like you've gotten to that point. Now it is time to take the action you seem to understand is very difficult, <em>but necessary. </em>Not only necessary for you and your wife's well being, but necessary for your son's well being too.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Get as much support as you can, keep posting, get all the information you can about eviction and begin putting the focus on you and your wife and take it off of your son. Do kind things for yourself. This is hard. I'm glad you're here........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 700487, member: 13542"] Welcome Jon. I'm sorry for the struggles with your son. I'm glad you found us, many of us have been in your shoes. I have a 43 year old daughter whom I've had to detach from too. It took me a long time to recognize that my helping was really enabling her and once I stopped, she began her own journey [I]without my help.[/I] It's a process to learn to let go of our adult difficult children and to allow them to face the consequences of their choices and behavior. You and your wife deserve to have these years in our 60's be free of stress.......[I][B]you deserve peace of mind.[/B][/I] You may want to read the article on detachment on the Parent Emeritus forum, it's helpful. You may also want to contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can reach them online and they have chapters in many cities. They have excellent courses for parents which can assist you with resources, information, guidance, support and compassion. They also may have resources for your son. Alanon is a wonderful support system, I'm glad you have availed yourself to the support they offer. Another helpful resource is the book [U]Codependent no more [/U]by Melodie Beatty. You may also want to check the eviction laws in your state, often removing our adult kids from our homes involves legal proceedings. You will want all your ducks in order. The process of disability is, as you mentioned, a long process, and I see no reason why your son needs to live with you during that process. It seems as if the time is right for him to be on his own now. You appear to have started that ball rolling and are now looking for acknowledgment that this is the right choice. I believe it is the right choice. You've done all you can do, any change that will happen is completely up to your son to make. As long as you allow him to live with you, and support his poor choices, he will not learn to accept responsibility for his actions. He is a grown adult man, it is time for him to live on his own, even if that means the Salvation Army. The hell he has put you through is [U][I][B]his[/B][/I][/U] hell, [B][I][U]not[/U][/I][/B] yours. When you return, my suggestion is that you give him a date to leave and stick to it. If you require eviction notice, then find out what the laws are and serve him with papers. Offer him a list of resources in the community if that feels right, shelters, food banks, social services, etc. Get yourself as much support as you can, for now and for the future when he is likely to pull on your heartstrings to make you change your mind so he can continue living in the way he desires. Usually before they let go and begin their own lives, they put us through the mill with manipulations and huge efforts to make us change our minds, be prepared for that. This is difficult. It is not what we thought parenting would be. We have to learn to parent our adult difficult children very differently. It is challenging to let go, detach and accept what is. It sounds to me like you know it is time for your son to be on his own. That realization is tough to get to. It seems like you've gotten to that point. Now it is time to take the action you seem to understand is very difficult, [I]but necessary. [/I]Not only necessary for you and your wife's well being, but necessary for your son's well being too. Hang in there. Get as much support as you can, keep posting, get all the information you can about eviction and begin putting the focus on you and your wife and take it off of your son. Do kind things for yourself. This is hard. I'm glad you're here........ [/QUOTE]
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