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39 year old difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 635059" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. So sorry you have to join us. It is sad when our difficult children (Gifts from God...kind of a tongue in cheek title) are getting up there in age. I know. You must have read my posts so you know that my son is also closing in on 40. We, and I'm sure you, have honestly offered to do anything we could for son and he can't see anything really that wrong with him. In our case, that help started in childhood. Sounds like your son has substance abuse issues so perhaps he started older, but I'm positive you did all that you could and it didn't help. None of us can help a sick person who not only doesn't want to get better, but who won't even admit they are sick and need help. And it hurts us so much when it is our own child. Even if they have mental health issues, because of our laws, it is imperative that the mentally ill person participate eagerly in his recovery in order to get better over the long haul. That often requires medication, psychiatric treatment, things they often can't do, if they are that sick, and won't let anyone do for them. So....you have done the maximum you are allowed to do for an adult. You have been a brave and caring mother. Your son, like most of ours here, is unwilling to get whatever help hi needs and expects you to keep helping him out. Do what you feel comfortable doing. Don't do what you feel bad about doing. That's my best, from-the-heart advice. </p><p></p><p>I'm concerned about YOU. I have spent a lifetime fighting depression, and you sound depressed. Certainly you have a reason, but it is a very hard fight alone and I think it's time you should start caring about your own mental health. If you have not been evaluated for depression, I would go to a psychiatrist. If your son is an alcoholic or drug abuser, I would also try several Twelve Step Meetings. They have given relief to many of us and also instructed us on how to not feel guilty if we feel the need to detach and to get on with our own lives. A private therapist is also helpful...I have been going to one since I was in my 20s. Make sure the therapist is a good fit for YOU, if you go that route.</p><p></p><p>I understand how that "elephant on my chest" is there even before your eyes are open in the morning. For me, I just wanted to fall back asleep and not feel the depression. When my son is upset, as he is now, I am far more apt to have to double-hard fight my depression. I am better at it now. I have learned many skills. But that doesn't mean I don't get depressed if I let myself think about his sadness and how he expresses it to me. We all understand you here.</p><p></p><p>I have to go to work now. I'm going to leave you with the prayer that is my mantra. I recite it over and over in my mind when I am feeling like I have to "fix" one of my children or my husband or somebody else. I am not as apt to actually do it these days, but that doesn't mean the idea doesn't pop into my mind and take root.</p><p></p><p>"God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change,</p><p>The COURAGE to change the things I can,</p><p>And the WISDOM to know the difference." (You don't need to believe in a God to live by this. I do, but I feel it is valid for anyone in the world you thinks we can change somebody else).</p><p></p><p>Other, smarter posters will be here with their wisdom <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 635059, member: 1550"] Hi there. So sorry you have to join us. It is sad when our difficult children (Gifts from God...kind of a tongue in cheek title) are getting up there in age. I know. You must have read my posts so you know that my son is also closing in on 40. We, and I'm sure you, have honestly offered to do anything we could for son and he can't see anything really that wrong with him. In our case, that help started in childhood. Sounds like your son has substance abuse issues so perhaps he started older, but I'm positive you did all that you could and it didn't help. None of us can help a sick person who not only doesn't want to get better, but who won't even admit they are sick and need help. And it hurts us so much when it is our own child. Even if they have mental health issues, because of our laws, it is imperative that the mentally ill person participate eagerly in his recovery in order to get better over the long haul. That often requires medication, psychiatric treatment, things they often can't do, if they are that sick, and won't let anyone do for them. So....you have done the maximum you are allowed to do for an adult. You have been a brave and caring mother. Your son, like most of ours here, is unwilling to get whatever help hi needs and expects you to keep helping him out. Do what you feel comfortable doing. Don't do what you feel bad about doing. That's my best, from-the-heart advice. I'm concerned about YOU. I have spent a lifetime fighting depression, and you sound depressed. Certainly you have a reason, but it is a very hard fight alone and I think it's time you should start caring about your own mental health. If you have not been evaluated for depression, I would go to a psychiatrist. If your son is an alcoholic or drug abuser, I would also try several Twelve Step Meetings. They have given relief to many of us and also instructed us on how to not feel guilty if we feel the need to detach and to get on with our own lives. A private therapist is also helpful...I have been going to one since I was in my 20s. Make sure the therapist is a good fit for YOU, if you go that route. I understand how that "elephant on my chest" is there even before your eyes are open in the morning. For me, I just wanted to fall back asleep and not feel the depression. When my son is upset, as he is now, I am far more apt to have to double-hard fight my depression. I am better at it now. I have learned many skills. But that doesn't mean I don't get depressed if I let myself think about his sadness and how he expresses it to me. We all understand you here. I have to go to work now. I'm going to leave you with the prayer that is my mantra. I recite it over and over in my mind when I am feeling like I have to "fix" one of my children or my husband or somebody else. I am not as apt to actually do it these days, but that doesn't mean the idea doesn't pop into my mind and take root. "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can not change, The COURAGE to change the things I can, And the WISDOM to know the difference." (You don't need to believe in a God to live by this. I do, but I feel it is valid for anyone in the world you thinks we can change somebody else). Other, smarter posters will be here with their wisdom :) [/QUOTE]
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