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7 months on...i'm back
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 746584" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>The same sort of thing happened when my eldest was 18. She was not as belligerent and abusive. Moody as all get out, felt entitled, partied late and then slept most of the day, while we were at work. Okay, wait, I just had a flashback. It was horrible for me to be around her. I felt as though she <em>hated me. </em>Emotional abuse.</p><p>We put up with all kinds of garbage and brush it under the rug because these are our kids.</p><p>I made her leave. It was not pretty. She was given chance after chance to get it together, follow house rules and it didn’t happen. So, out she went. It was tough and I often look back and wonder if that was the start of it all, me making her leave.</p><p>But, the truth is Lost, she had an opportunity to pull it together and show appreciation for living under our roof. That’s the difference. When we house these adult kids and they have no gratitude, feel entitled, even become belligerent and resentful, I believe we are doing them no favors. Cedar wrote years back that our kids are meant to grow up and leave the nest. When we allow them to live at home without their cooperation and giving back, doing something to contribute, we are clipping their wings. They are meant to fly, we are holding them back from realizing their responsibilities and potential, from writing their own story.</p><p>When my two were in my home, their using escalated, they used drugs, and us. We were essentially funding their addictions by allowing them to be in our home. Things never got better. Meanwhile, my youngest two were growing up watching all of this and were so affected by all of the chaos and drama. It was quite unfair to them, but we did not see the “Forrest for the trees.” We were all so affected by the craziness. It was traumatizing.</p><p>When I finally put my foot down and said no more, this peace came over my home. We didn’t have to walk on eggshells, wondering when the next bomb would drop. We could leave our valuables out, things didn’t suddenly go missing. I didn’t realize what we were living with. Looking back, recounting all the drama and heartache, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.</p><p>I do believe it is akin to being kidnapped, “Patty Hearst syndrome”. We begin to try everything to placate our wayward kids, to “make things right”. Without realizing it, we are playing right into the hands of these kids. Putting up with more and more abuse and disrespect, for fear of the alternative, “abandoning” them.</p><p>In reality, we have abandoned ourselves. We have given up our right to have peace in our homes. We have dropped any expectations of decency and respect from these adult kids. It is a vicious cycle, and they know how to play us well. They know how to turn the tables and tug at our heartstrings when we have had enough. It is sad and insidious. That our kids would grow up and become so horrid in our own homes.That we would feel so completely devastated at the thought of having them leave, that we are <em>abandoning them.</em></p><p>We are not helping them by allowing them to come into our homes, our spaces, and be jerks. Doing whatever they please. We are condoning their belligerence. They are old enough to get out there and work for a living.</p><p>If it were any of us, on the verge of homelessness, doubling up with someone kind enough to take us in, shelter us, we would be humble and grateful.</p><p>Not these kids. They just take and take and take.</p><p>It's not right. It’s not how we raised them.</p><p>I fell into the rabbit hole over the holidays, my daughter in jail kept calling and spewing Bible verses, how she needed to come home, be with family again, she missed all of us and her kids. She would call almost daily, telling me she had no where to go, the rehabs were full. It was the hardest thing to say no. I knew deep in my heart that if she came home, things would go right back to the same, and she would drag all of us down that road with her. I also promised my son after the last hellish exodus three years ago, that I would never allow it again. That helped me climb my way back up out of that mothers magical thinking that I could help my thirty year old daughter make better choices. I can’t. I can’t control her. She will do what she wants, with nary an eye blink of how it will affect those who love her.</p><p>She is out of jail, Lost. No word from her, an Instagram post with a selfie with this “The <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/devilish.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":devilish:" title="devilish :devilish:" data-shortname=":devilish:" /> has me again.” Her brother saw this, her kids can see this. All of those promises to get better, forgotten. I suppose she will say it’s because I did not allow her back home, that’s a bunch of bull. If she wanted to change, she would make it <em>happen</em>. My obligation is to make sure my son has a peaceful sanctuary to come home to, so he can concentrate on graduating and apply himself to his future.</p><p>Sorry for the length of this post, I am venting! It’s because your words struck me, “ I feel like I’m abandoning him.” I was right there with you, <em>even after everything that’s happened, </em>when my daughter was calling from jail. I told her no, but it took everything out of me to do it. I felt so sad, so deeply sad. I had to work hard to push those emotions away, to build myself back up.</p><p>I had to go back to my old toolbox, to my Mom and Dad, who would never, ever put up with any of the stuff we have. They were loving, but stern. We had and have <em>respect for them, for their home. </em></p><p>We knew that we had to find our way, once we graduated. I know, things are different, the economy is different. People live with their parents. But, they help clean, pay bills. They contribute.</p><p>You are not abandoning your son by refusing to allow his disrespect and belligerence in your home. You are pushing him towards responsibility. You are helping him grow, by standing up for yourself, your home, your daughter.</p><p>You’ve got this. It is not acceptable for us to live the rest of our lives miserable because of our adult children’s choices.</p><p>You matter, your future matters.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 746584, member: 19522"] The same sort of thing happened when my eldest was 18. She was not as belligerent and abusive. Moody as all get out, felt entitled, partied late and then slept most of the day, while we were at work. Okay, wait, I just had a flashback. It was horrible for me to be around her. I felt as though she [I]hated me. [/I]Emotional abuse. We put up with all kinds of garbage and brush it under the rug because these are our kids. I made her leave. It was not pretty. She was given chance after chance to get it together, follow house rules and it didn’t happen. So, out she went. It was tough and I often look back and wonder if that was the start of it all, me making her leave. But, the truth is Lost, she had an opportunity to pull it together and show appreciation for living under our roof. That’s the difference. When we house these adult kids and they have no gratitude, feel entitled, even become belligerent and resentful, I believe we are doing them no favors. Cedar wrote years back that our kids are meant to grow up and leave the nest. When we allow them to live at home without their cooperation and giving back, doing something to contribute, we are clipping their wings. They are meant to fly, we are holding them back from realizing their responsibilities and potential, from writing their own story. When my two were in my home, their using escalated, they used drugs, and us. We were essentially funding their addictions by allowing them to be in our home. Things never got better. Meanwhile, my youngest two were growing up watching all of this and were so affected by all of the chaos and drama. It was quite unfair to them, but we did not see the “Forrest for the trees.” We were all so affected by the craziness. It was traumatizing. When I finally put my foot down and said no more, this peace came over my home. We didn’t have to walk on eggshells, wondering when the next bomb would drop. We could leave our valuables out, things didn’t suddenly go missing. I didn’t realize what we were living with. Looking back, recounting all the drama and heartache, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I do believe it is akin to being kidnapped, “Patty Hearst syndrome”. We begin to try everything to placate our wayward kids, to “make things right”. Without realizing it, we are playing right into the hands of these kids. Putting up with more and more abuse and disrespect, for fear of the alternative, “abandoning” them. In reality, we have abandoned ourselves. We have given up our right to have peace in our homes. We have dropped any expectations of decency and respect from these adult kids. It is a vicious cycle, and they know how to play us well. They know how to turn the tables and tug at our heartstrings when we have had enough. It is sad and insidious. That our kids would grow up and become so horrid in our own homes.That we would feel so completely devastated at the thought of having them leave, that we are [I]abandoning them.[/I] We are not helping them by allowing them to come into our homes, our spaces, and be jerks. Doing whatever they please. We are condoning their belligerence. They are old enough to get out there and work for a living. If it were any of us, on the verge of homelessness, doubling up with someone kind enough to take us in, shelter us, we would be humble and grateful. Not these kids. They just take and take and take. It's not right. It’s not how we raised them. I fell into the rabbit hole over the holidays, my daughter in jail kept calling and spewing Bible verses, how she needed to come home, be with family again, she missed all of us and her kids. She would call almost daily, telling me she had no where to go, the rehabs were full. It was the hardest thing to say no. I knew deep in my heart that if she came home, things would go right back to the same, and she would drag all of us down that road with her. I also promised my son after the last hellish exodus three years ago, that I would never allow it again. That helped me climb my way back up out of that mothers magical thinking that I could help my thirty year old daughter make better choices. I can’t. I can’t control her. She will do what she wants, with nary an eye blink of how it will affect those who love her. She is out of jail, Lost. No word from her, an Instagram post with a selfie with this “The :devilish: has me again.” Her brother saw this, her kids can see this. All of those promises to get better, forgotten. I suppose she will say it’s because I did not allow her back home, that’s a bunch of bull. If she wanted to change, she would make it [I]happen[/I]. My obligation is to make sure my son has a peaceful sanctuary to come home to, so he can concentrate on graduating and apply himself to his future. Sorry for the length of this post, I am venting! It’s because your words struck me, “ I feel like I’m abandoning him.” I was right there with you, [I]even after everything that’s happened, [/I]when my daughter was calling from jail. I told her no, but it took everything out of me to do it. I felt so sad, so deeply sad. I had to work hard to push those emotions away, to build myself back up. I had to go back to my old toolbox, to my Mom and Dad, who would never, ever put up with any of the stuff we have. They were loving, but stern. We had and have [I]respect for them, for their home. [/I] We knew that we had to find our way, once we graduated. I know, things are different, the economy is different. People live with their parents. But, they help clean, pay bills. They contribute. You are not abandoning your son by refusing to allow his disrespect and belligerence in your home. You are pushing him towards responsibility. You are helping him grow, by standing up for yourself, your home, your daughter. You’ve got this. It is not acceptable for us to live the rest of our lives miserable because of our adult children’s choices. You matter, your future matters. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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