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7 Stages of Grieving
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 647649" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think there is a different kind of grieving that comes with acceptance. It's like another level altogether. To me, it seems like we began naming the hopes of things for our kids at those times in their lives when they should have been claiming their independence from us, from our ideas, from our plans for their lives.</p><p></p><p>I think that is when our thinking got messed up. In that manner, I mean. We have been pushing them to take their independence ever since. That was a battle they should have been fighting for themselves. But they didn't. So, we took it on for them.</p><p></p><p>Letting go of that is part of what detachment parenting is about.</p><p></p><p>I think that is true.</p><p></p><p>It's about letting them fall, if we have to, until they pick up on their own. And it's about accepting their level of "this is enough for me" without feeling betrayed or cheated or cheapened.</p><p></p><p>Which I do feel.</p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p></p><p>That's me, hugging myself anyway, because all of this is so hard.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Instead of claiming their lives though, our difficult child kids slipped back. Whether the slippage had to do with drugs or illness, it somehow became our role to recapture that drive to succeed, that independent streak that should have given them the strength to break away from us.</p><p></p><p>Though it is a gift that will free us, realizing that what happened to our kids and to our families was not just slippage, but that over the years it has become our inescapably ugly story, is painful in a whole new way.</p><p></p><p>"This cannot be my story. This cannot be how it ends."</p><p></p><p>I had just gone through a thing about the ugliness of our story. (It is on the thread To Tell the Truth.) Once I got through it, I reached a different level of acceptance, somehow.</p><p></p><p>And somehow too, a different way of loving. I think that is true. I seem steadier. I seem to react with less shock. I seem able to just be with them in the moment, whatever it is, without slamming myself into that FOG place or grieving myself into a state.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry we can't describe what happens so well that none of the others of us have to go through it, but I think there are levels, and that each of us has to find and go through them on her own before she can function around the issues difficult child kids continue (maybe, for all of their lives) to bring to the table. But I know it is so helpful to me to hear that there are parents out there who made it through and who are in possession of their emotional lives in a way I still am not.</p><p></p><p>I know that one day, I will get to that place, too.</p><p></p><p> <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p></p><p>There I am, having self-approval again.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing. Most parents will not ever have to reach the levels of acceptance we will have to reach with our difficult child kids if we intend to love them where they're at.</p><p></p><p>Drat those kids.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/9-07tears.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":9-07tears:" title="crying :9-07tears:" data-shortname=":9-07tears:" /></p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/spaghetti.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":spaghetti:" title="spaghetti :spaghetti:" data-shortname=":spaghetti:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":wine:" title="wine :wine:" data-shortname=":wine:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 647649, member: 17461"] I think there is a different kind of grieving that comes with acceptance. It's like another level altogether. To me, it seems like we began naming the hopes of things for our kids at those times in their lives when they should have been claiming their independence from us, from our ideas, from our plans for their lives. I think that is when our thinking got messed up. In that manner, I mean. We have been pushing them to take their independence ever since. That was a battle they should have been fighting for themselves. But they didn't. So, we took it on for them. Letting go of that is part of what detachment parenting is about. I think that is true. It's about letting them fall, if we have to, until they pick up on their own. And it's about accepting their level of "this is enough for me" without feeling betrayed or cheated or cheapened. Which I do feel. Ahem. :hugs: That's me, hugging myself anyway, because all of this is so hard. :O) Instead of claiming their lives though, our difficult child kids slipped back. Whether the slippage had to do with drugs or illness, it somehow became our role to recapture that drive to succeed, that independent streak that should have given them the strength to break away from us. Though it is a gift that will free us, realizing that what happened to our kids and to our families was not just slippage, but that over the years it has become our inescapably ugly story, is painful in a whole new way. "This cannot be my story. This cannot be how it ends." I had just gone through a thing about the ugliness of our story. (It is on the thread To Tell the Truth.) Once I got through it, I reached a different level of acceptance, somehow. And somehow too, a different way of loving. I think that is true. I seem steadier. I seem to react with less shock. I seem able to just be with them in the moment, whatever it is, without slamming myself into that FOG place or grieving myself into a state. I'm sorry we can't describe what happens so well that none of the others of us have to go through it, but I think there are levels, and that each of us has to find and go through them on her own before she can function around the issues difficult child kids continue (maybe, for all of their lives) to bring to the table. But I know it is so helpful to me to hear that there are parents out there who made it through and who are in possession of their emotional lives in a way I still am not. I know that one day, I will get to that place, too. :hugs: There I am, having self-approval again. :O) It is a hard thing. Most parents will not ever have to reach the levels of acceptance we will have to reach with our difficult child kids if we intend to love them where they're at. Drat those kids. Cedar :9-07tears: *** :spaghetti: :wine: [/QUOTE]
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