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911.. what to do.. she is asking to come home..
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 251792" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>This is how we handled that one ~ and it had less to do with difficult child than it did with some basic changes in the way WE perceived the situation. One of the other moms on the site (Sunny Florida) submitted a post in which she compared the things our difficult children were doing to the true danger and real courage displayed by eighteen year olds serving in Iraq.</p><p></p><p>All at once, I began to see my own child in a very different light.</p><p></p><p>He really did NOT need me to protect him, pay his utility bills or rent, or buy his food ~ not when other "children" (and my son was almost thirty by the time I finally got it) were displaying the kinds of courage and commitment we all saw displayed in Iraq.</p><p></p><p>I cut a picture of soldiers out of the newspaper and pasted it by the phone, to keep my spirit from flagging when confronted with difficult child's neverending horrible crisis after crisis lifestyle.</p><p></p><p>I also got it, about that time, that it was drug use that was responsible for what was happening to difficult child. It wasn't recreational drug use, and it wasn't "oh, and he uses drugs occaisionally, too". Drugs WERE the problem. Drugs destroy those who use them. It's a slow destruction, so we often forget who that child was before the use began ~ but drug use will destroy our children, will **** their lives right out from under them.</p><p></p><p>And if we cannot see it for what it is, a child's drug use can destroy a family.</p><p> </p><p>We question our parenting, we wonder what it was that we did to create the situation, we wonder how we let our child down, what we did, how we can help them come back.</p><p></p><p>That was the change that happened for me, when Sunny posted about the young soldiers in Iraq.</p><p></p><p>Our son had been wonderful. Bright, kind, energetic, funny, ambitious, great grades, good looking, popular ~ and then, overnight it seemed, that son was gone. We knew he was using "recreationally"</p><p></p><p>But we never once believed it was our son's drug use that was the issue.</p><p></p><p>Once I got it ~ once I really understood what drugs do to the brain on a physiologic level and could understand what powerful, nasty things they are, then I could see my child differently. Because I was seeing more clearly, because I was no longer mired in that guilty refrain "Oh, WHAT have we done and how can I change it, now?!?", I could respond to my son (and his drug use) appropriately.</p><p></p><p>What we did was present our son with a choice. Treatment, with every bit of our support, or...nothing.</p><p></p><p>He chose nothing.</p><p></p><p>But we knew WHY we were not choosing to interact with our drug-using child. We were no longer eaten up with guilt over what our child was choosing to do.</p><p></p><p>I think that is the kind of thinking you may find helpful, too.</p><p></p><p>I am not saying that every interaction with our son was easy, once we had a clear picture of his situation relative to his drug use. What I am saying is that we were able to understand how we needed to approach parenting a child who was using drugs.</p><p></p><p>And that made all the difference, for us.</p><p></p><p>Please feel free to ask any questions you like about how we changed our thinking, relative to our son's problems. One of the books recommended to me was "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You". Another of the things that was helpful to us was learning ~ through the internet ~ just what it is drugs do to the brain in order to create the "high". What they do is wring the brain of all the good chemicals. The user is then left with the same problems that made using a drug in the first place seem like such a good idea. Only, with every bit of good, stabilizing brain chemistry wrung out, the person finds himself in a really dull, dark depression.</p><p></p><p>So, they use again.</p><p></p><p>It takes more and more drug to attain the same kind of high.</p><p></p><p>Eventually, the high is not very high ~ but the lows are agonizing.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening to you, and to your daughter. This site is a wonderful place to learn how to help both our children and ourselves, and I am glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 251792, member: 3353"] This is how we handled that one ~ and it had less to do with difficult child than it did with some basic changes in the way WE perceived the situation. One of the other moms on the site (Sunny Florida) submitted a post in which she compared the things our difficult children were doing to the true danger and real courage displayed by eighteen year olds serving in Iraq. All at once, I began to see my own child in a very different light. He really did NOT need me to protect him, pay his utility bills or rent, or buy his food ~ not when other "children" (and my son was almost thirty by the time I finally got it) were displaying the kinds of courage and commitment we all saw displayed in Iraq. I cut a picture of soldiers out of the newspaper and pasted it by the phone, to keep my spirit from flagging when confronted with difficult child's neverending horrible crisis after crisis lifestyle. I also got it, about that time, that it was drug use that was responsible for what was happening to difficult child. It wasn't recreational drug use, and it wasn't "oh, and he uses drugs occaisionally, too". Drugs WERE the problem. Drugs destroy those who use them. It's a slow destruction, so we often forget who that child was before the use began ~ but drug use will destroy our children, will **** their lives right out from under them. And if we cannot see it for what it is, a child's drug use can destroy a family. We question our parenting, we wonder what it was that we did to create the situation, we wonder how we let our child down, what we did, how we can help them come back. That was the change that happened for me, when Sunny posted about the young soldiers in Iraq. Our son had been wonderful. Bright, kind, energetic, funny, ambitious, great grades, good looking, popular ~ and then, overnight it seemed, that son was gone. We knew he was using "recreationally" But we never once believed it was our son's drug use that was the issue. Once I got it ~ once I really understood what drugs do to the brain on a physiologic level and could understand what powerful, nasty things they are, then I could see my child differently. Because I was seeing more clearly, because I was no longer mired in that guilty refrain "Oh, WHAT have we done and how can I change it, now?!?", I could respond to my son (and his drug use) appropriately. What we did was present our son with a choice. Treatment, with every bit of our support, or...nothing. He chose nothing. But we knew WHY we were not choosing to interact with our drug-using child. We were no longer eaten up with guilt over what our child was choosing to do. I think that is the kind of thinking you may find helpful, too. I am not saying that every interaction with our son was easy, once we had a clear picture of his situation relative to his drug use. What I am saying is that we were able to understand how we needed to approach parenting a child who was using drugs. And that made all the difference, for us. Please feel free to ask any questions you like about how we changed our thinking, relative to our son's problems. One of the books recommended to me was "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You". Another of the things that was helpful to us was learning ~ through the internet ~ just what it is drugs do to the brain in order to create the "high". What they do is wring the brain of all the good chemicals. The user is then left with the same problems that made using a drug in the first place seem like such a good idea. Only, with every bit of good, stabilizing brain chemistry wrung out, the person finds himself in a really dull, dark depression. So, they use again. It takes more and more drug to attain the same kind of high. Eventually, the high is not very high ~ but the lows are agonizing. I am sorry this is happening to you, and to your daughter. This site is a wonderful place to learn how to help both our children and ourselves, and I am glad you found us. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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