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Substance Abuse
A Christmas to forget
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<blockquote data-quote="strangeworld" data-source="post: 725978" data-attributes="member: 22313"><p>Thanks Susie. I tried EMDR with a therapist as did my daughter. Not many sessions though. I prefer talk therapy. </p><p>Intellectually I understand that self care is important but not so that I can help my daughter. It's so I can get through life with or without her. I am not sure I want to try to help anymore. Without going into self pity mode, I am not sure she deserves any more of my help. I am feeling anger and sadness but also compassion. Sometimes I feel like therapy and alanon keep me in a fetal position while just understanding that life is not fair and there are no guarantees helps me to get on with it. </p><p>I'm sorry your mother had to suffer from the alcoholic brother's behavior. I had a true nervous breakdown 5 years ago when I found out daughter was self harming. Worst time of my life. People do not undetstand major depression until they go through it themselves. It was almost surreal. And very, very physical. I remember having stomach issues for about a month preceding the night I finally broke. Then two weeks straight from the depths of hell. No sleep...no appetite, speech slowed, couldn't listen to music that I normally loved....finally prescribed ativan and trazodone for sleep. Couldn't cry for weeks....no actual tears. Then one day I saw some old friends from when daughter was little and I got in my car and the floodgates released. Tears of nostalgia and heartbreak came for hours. Then began the long crawl out of the pit of darkness all the while still trying to help daughter. I'm still climbing and probably will be for life, but I can say I have found sanity and health again. Friendships, acceptanc, numerous vitamins and minerals, walking, reading numerous self help books including alanon books and some therapy all helped me. Glad your mom is better and that your brother is better too. I wouldn't wish a breakdown on my worst enemy. </p><p></p><p>I know alcoholism as well. I am a recovered alcoholic. 17 years sober. Mt biological father was an alcoholic (I didn't know him). My husband's mother, father, sister all died young from alcohol. My husband's brother is a homeless drug addict and his other sister is a recovered drug addict doing well. Why did I think my daughter would escape the genes of addiction? My adoptive family are not addicts of any kind some of the mentally healthiest people I know and I was adopted at 6 weeks so grew up not knowing anything about alcoholism. This just reinforces the nature over nurture premise I truly believe. Anyway I'm on ramble now.</p><p></p><p>I just hope my daughter's strong will, high IQ, and independent streak will come through for her in time. She is not me....I am not her. We are on our own paths. I think it is just so hard for mothers. We always hear "you are a parent not a friend" but deep down these little people who you immerse youself in when they are small....they are our best friends. And we are their first friends. Very hard to sepatate. I think much more than for fathers. </p><p></p><p>I wish us all a happier 2018. Let us all find joy in small things and not expect too much. And let us love without conditions while staying true to ourselves and keep strong boundaries that we deserve. It doesn't mean we are abandoning our kids. They know we love them. It's okay to cry. It's okay to laugh. Let ourselves feel deeply and not judge ourselves nor our childten. We all have reasons for doing what we do. It's part of the human condition. Let us all find strength in knowing someone has done this before us and come out of it okay. Let hopelessness and despair be fleeting at most. Where there is life there is hope. And love.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="strangeworld, post: 725978, member: 22313"] Thanks Susie. I tried EMDR with a therapist as did my daughter. Not many sessions though. I prefer talk therapy. Intellectually I understand that self care is important but not so that I can help my daughter. It's so I can get through life with or without her. I am not sure I want to try to help anymore. Without going into self pity mode, I am not sure she deserves any more of my help. I am feeling anger and sadness but also compassion. Sometimes I feel like therapy and alanon keep me in a fetal position while just understanding that life is not fair and there are no guarantees helps me to get on with it. I'm sorry your mother had to suffer from the alcoholic brother's behavior. I had a true nervous breakdown 5 years ago when I found out daughter was self harming. Worst time of my life. People do not undetstand major depression until they go through it themselves. It was almost surreal. And very, very physical. I remember having stomach issues for about a month preceding the night I finally broke. Then two weeks straight from the depths of hell. No sleep...no appetite, speech slowed, couldn't listen to music that I normally loved....finally prescribed ativan and trazodone for sleep. Couldn't cry for weeks....no actual tears. Then one day I saw some old friends from when daughter was little and I got in my car and the floodgates released. Tears of nostalgia and heartbreak came for hours. Then began the long crawl out of the pit of darkness all the while still trying to help daughter. I'm still climbing and probably will be for life, but I can say I have found sanity and health again. Friendships, acceptanc, numerous vitamins and minerals, walking, reading numerous self help books including alanon books and some therapy all helped me. Glad your mom is better and that your brother is better too. I wouldn't wish a breakdown on my worst enemy. I know alcoholism as well. I am a recovered alcoholic. 17 years sober. Mt biological father was an alcoholic (I didn't know him). My husband's mother, father, sister all died young from alcohol. My husband's brother is a homeless drug addict and his other sister is a recovered drug addict doing well. Why did I think my daughter would escape the genes of addiction? My adoptive family are not addicts of any kind some of the mentally healthiest people I know and I was adopted at 6 weeks so grew up not knowing anything about alcoholism. This just reinforces the nature over nurture premise I truly believe. Anyway I'm on ramble now. I just hope my daughter's strong will, high IQ, and independent streak will come through for her in time. She is not me....I am not her. We are on our own paths. I think it is just so hard for mothers. We always hear "you are a parent not a friend" but deep down these little people who you immerse youself in when they are small....they are our best friends. And we are their first friends. Very hard to sepatate. I think much more than for fathers. I wish us all a happier 2018. Let us all find joy in small things and not expect too much. And let us love without conditions while staying true to ourselves and keep strong boundaries that we deserve. It doesn't mean we are abandoning our kids. They know we love them. It's okay to cry. It's okay to laugh. Let ourselves feel deeply and not judge ourselves nor our childten. We all have reasons for doing what we do. It's part of the human condition. Let us all find strength in knowing someone has done this before us and come out of it okay. Let hopelessness and despair be fleeting at most. Where there is life there is hope. And love. [/QUOTE]
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