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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 695623" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Karisma, I rated your post a winner because of its raw honesty and humility. Honesty and humility are the two most important qualities for them and for us in our/their recovery. Without these two qualities, we don't stand a chance. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Our own need is what drives our enabling. We are frantic with the need and the love and the fear and the grief. We act and act and act and act...thinking "this time"...but "this time" never comes.</p><p></p><p>I watched a documentary on HBO last night on bipolar disorder. It tracked five families who have kids who have bipolar disorder. Have you seen it? It's good. </p><p></p><p>This disease is so...what is the word...overwhelming and pervasive. It never stops. I can only imagine your life and his life, and what you have been through. I could talk on and on about the terrible cruelty of this disease for him...and for you..but I would rather focus on you...and the future. </p><p></p><p>So...what now? You have reached this apex. It is an important turning point.</p><p></p><p>Don't be surprised if you turn back..and if you do, that's okay. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Allow yourself the grace and mercy of being fully human. It's okay not to do this perfectly...we can 't be perfect. All we can do is the best we can do at any given moment. That is what you have done...through your entire past...and that is all you can do...for the future. Allow yourself to be imperfect in this.</p><p></p><p>As you work on yourself (for that is what it takes), devote some time every day to you. Whatever that means. Take your own pulse. Do you need a walk, a nap, a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store, lunch with a friend, some new bubble bath? These things seem like trivial things, or even ridiculous, right? But they are kindnesses. We have to start being kind to ourselves, because we have been through so very much. This is the beginning of self-love. Of realizing that we matter. In fact, I call it the 51%/49% rule. I am 51%...my Difficult Child is 49%. I finally flipped those numbers, after a whole lot of time and work and missteps...from 99% and 1%. The moms here get that. </p><p></p><p>As you work to change your thinking and your behavior (not your feelings...those don't change for a long time, the fear, the grief, the confusion, the frustration, so expect that), spend time every single day writing a gratitude list. Again, it seems like a very small and somewhat silly thing, doesn't it? Writing down 5 things you are grateful for will change your brain and will change your attitude about your day. Try it. I promise you it works if you work it.</p><p></p><p>And then, take small steps with your precious son. Set small boundaries. You don't have to change everything overnight. Just start with small changes. AGain, putting yourself first for a chance. What can you handle? A phone call every other day, or every three days? A visit once a week? Or much less, perhaps at first. I had to really step away from my son for a period of time to get back to level ground, I was so far down. I had to lie down every single day for two hours and sleep and cry and stare at the wall. I did this for months as I worked on myself and worked on my own recovery from enabling.</p><p></p><p>Other tools...journaling, counseling, anti depressants, Al-Anon, a sponsor in Al-Anon, reading books like Boundaries and CoDependent No More and Alanon literature...specific tools you can create in your very own toolbox and take them out and use them daily. Schedule and spend 30 minutes a day working on yourself. It is the greatest gift you will ever give yourself. You deserve this. You matter too. In fact, you matter the most. </p><p></p><p>As you grow and change, you will realize that you have to let your son go. What does that mean? It doesn't mean being mean or never seeing him or not loving him. It doesn't mean a complete separation forever. It's not a black and white thing. As you are able, you can craft a relationship with him that works for YOU. You can learn how to let him go, to release him to the Universe, to God, to your Higher Power, whatever force you recognize that is greater than yourself. </p><p></p><p>You've done all you can do. You have done more than anybody should do. Recognizing we can't fix, manage or control other people...even the precious adult children we gave birth to, and would do anything in the world for...especially them. We have to let them go and learn how to bear that.</p><p></p><p>We are here for you. Keep reading this site. This site helps me so much. Writing and reading here, is incredible reinforcement. We're glad you are here and we understand. We really do. Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 695623, member: 17542"] Hi Karisma, I rated your post a winner because of its raw honesty and humility. Honesty and humility are the two most important qualities for them and for us in our/their recovery. Without these two qualities, we don't stand a chance. Our own need is what drives our enabling. We are frantic with the need and the love and the fear and the grief. We act and act and act and act...thinking "this time"...but "this time" never comes. I watched a documentary on HBO last night on bipolar disorder. It tracked five families who have kids who have bipolar disorder. Have you seen it? It's good. This disease is so...what is the word...overwhelming and pervasive. It never stops. I can only imagine your life and his life, and what you have been through. I could talk on and on about the terrible cruelty of this disease for him...and for you..but I would rather focus on you...and the future. So...what now? You have reached this apex. It is an important turning point. Don't be surprised if you turn back..and if you do, that's okay. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Allow yourself the grace and mercy of being fully human. It's okay not to do this perfectly...we can 't be perfect. All we can do is the best we can do at any given moment. That is what you have done...through your entire past...and that is all you can do...for the future. Allow yourself to be imperfect in this. As you work on yourself (for that is what it takes), devote some time every day to you. Whatever that means. Take your own pulse. Do you need a walk, a nap, a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store, lunch with a friend, some new bubble bath? These things seem like trivial things, or even ridiculous, right? But they are kindnesses. We have to start being kind to ourselves, because we have been through so very much. This is the beginning of self-love. Of realizing that we matter. In fact, I call it the 51%/49% rule. I am 51%...my Difficult Child is 49%. I finally flipped those numbers, after a whole lot of time and work and missteps...from 99% and 1%. The moms here get that. As you work to change your thinking and your behavior (not your feelings...those don't change for a long time, the fear, the grief, the confusion, the frustration, so expect that), spend time every single day writing a gratitude list. Again, it seems like a very small and somewhat silly thing, doesn't it? Writing down 5 things you are grateful for will change your brain and will change your attitude about your day. Try it. I promise you it works if you work it. And then, take small steps with your precious son. Set small boundaries. You don't have to change everything overnight. Just start with small changes. AGain, putting yourself first for a chance. What can you handle? A phone call every other day, or every three days? A visit once a week? Or much less, perhaps at first. I had to really step away from my son for a period of time to get back to level ground, I was so far down. I had to lie down every single day for two hours and sleep and cry and stare at the wall. I did this for months as I worked on myself and worked on my own recovery from enabling. Other tools...journaling, counseling, anti depressants, Al-Anon, a sponsor in Al-Anon, reading books like Boundaries and CoDependent No More and Alanon literature...specific tools you can create in your very own toolbox and take them out and use them daily. Schedule and spend 30 minutes a day working on yourself. It is the greatest gift you will ever give yourself. You deserve this. You matter too. In fact, you matter the most. As you grow and change, you will realize that you have to let your son go. What does that mean? It doesn't mean being mean or never seeing him or not loving him. It doesn't mean a complete separation forever. It's not a black and white thing. As you are able, you can craft a relationship with him that works for YOU. You can learn how to let him go, to release him to the Universe, to God, to your Higher Power, whatever force you recognize that is greater than yourself. You've done all you can do. You have done more than anybody should do. Recognizing we can't fix, manage or control other people...even the precious adult children we gave birth to, and would do anything in the world for...especially them. We have to let them go and learn how to bear that. We are here for you. Keep reading this site. This site helps me so much. Writing and reading here, is incredible reinforcement. We're glad you are here and we understand. We really do. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
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