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A First Attempt
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<blockquote data-quote="karisma" data-source="post: 695740" data-attributes="member: 20391"><p>Thank you so much for all of your input:</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>COM, I still have a hard time seeing this but am warming up to the idea. The very idea that I can still have a future, even without him, is barely taking hold. Clearly, it is going to take more effort than I had thought it would.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I believe I can stay the course. I have been careful not to threaten anything until now because I knew I wasn't going to really follow through if he were to say or do certain things that make me feel very sorry for him.</p><p></p><p>(Oh my God, I can't figure out how to insert quotes even though I clearly did it this morning when I started this. What on earth? Must be EOA --Early Onset Alzheimer's)</p><p></p><p>KSM - I love that quote - It is never to late to do the right thing.. so true</p><p></p><p>Rebelson - You are right. I do matter. My life and future do matter, even if it is without him.</p><p></p><p>RN0441 - Compassion for myself. Thank you for bringing that up. I am twisted up on this issue because I was a difficult child adult myself ( I started using drugs at age 27 and put my mother through hell with worrying about me, though I was not mean to her) so I feel that somehow I deserve this. I know its not true but I have put up with way too much because I did it to my mother and have horrible guilt over that.</p><p></p><p>Tanya - Yes, they do somehow manage to survive don't they? I need to remember that more. He is unlikely to actually perish here. I am so extremely grateful for the mild winters in Phoenix. I have read so many stories here about parents struggles with Difficult Child in sub zero temps. I don't think I could do it.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, lately anyhow, I have been feeling just a tad resentful over my giving for the simple fact that he could easily get back on SSI and have his own money. He received it for 12 years, but he would have to actually go to some appointments, get a new psychiatric evaluation, etc. The whole thing is his resistance to the psychiatric evaluation. First, he won't be honest with them because I think he is embarrassed somehow about his mental condition. The reason Difficult Child sites is that he can't have an SMI label because of his "work" (tertiary circuitry related to quantum mechanics and renewable energy sources - algorithms he has devised etc..) and how this label would ruin his future in this regard - (yeah, so will being dead, homeless, out of your mind....). </p><p></p><p>So we have been at this impasse for some time </p><p></p><p>I know its time to let go....I know I know I know....way past time actually</p><p></p><p>I have to be brutally honest here about this issue. I am ashamed to say that somehow, somewhere along the way I became emotionally dependent on how he feels or acts towards me. He is in many ways all I truly have, which is pitiful because I certainly do not have him. "Helping" him has become my life. My self worth is somehow wrapped up here in some twisted way. </p><p></p><p>Would I trade never seeing or speaking to him again for him to be happy, or even just ok? In a nanosecond.</p><p></p><p>I spoke to him today and asked if he read my email. He said he doesn't have wifi where he is at, so no.</p><p></p><p>We ended up arguing and I yelled "NEVER CALL ME AGAIN!!!!" and he hung up.</p><p></p><p>Brilliant. </p><p></p><p>Clearly I have a long way to go.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="karisma, post: 695740, member: 20391"] Thank you so much for all of your input: COM, I still have a hard time seeing this but am warming up to the idea. The very idea that I can still have a future, even without him, is barely taking hold. Clearly, it is going to take more effort than I had thought it would. I believe I can stay the course. I have been careful not to threaten anything until now because I knew I wasn't going to really follow through if he were to say or do certain things that make me feel very sorry for him. (Oh my God, I can't figure out how to insert quotes even though I clearly did it this morning when I started this. What on earth? Must be EOA --Early Onset Alzheimer's) KSM - I love that quote - It is never to late to do the right thing.. so true Rebelson - You are right. I do matter. My life and future do matter, even if it is without him. RN0441 - Compassion for myself. Thank you for bringing that up. I am twisted up on this issue because I was a difficult child adult myself ( I started using drugs at age 27 and put my mother through hell with worrying about me, though I was not mean to her) so I feel that somehow I deserve this. I know its not true but I have put up with way too much because I did it to my mother and have horrible guilt over that. Tanya - Yes, they do somehow manage to survive don't they? I need to remember that more. He is unlikely to actually perish here. I am so extremely grateful for the mild winters in Phoenix. I have read so many stories here about parents struggles with Difficult Child in sub zero temps. I don't think I could do it. The thing is, lately anyhow, I have been feeling just a tad resentful over my giving for the simple fact that he could easily get back on SSI and have his own money. He received it for 12 years, but he would have to actually go to some appointments, get a new psychiatric evaluation, etc. The whole thing is his resistance to the psychiatric evaluation. First, he won't be honest with them because I think he is embarrassed somehow about his mental condition. The reason Difficult Child sites is that he can't have an SMI label because of his "work" (tertiary circuitry related to quantum mechanics and renewable energy sources - algorithms he has devised etc..) and how this label would ruin his future in this regard - (yeah, so will being dead, homeless, out of your mind....). So we have been at this impasse for some time I know its time to let go....I know I know I know....way past time actually I have to be brutally honest here about this issue. I am ashamed to say that somehow, somewhere along the way I became emotionally dependent on how he feels or acts towards me. He is in many ways all I truly have, which is pitiful because I certainly do not have him. "Helping" him has become my life. My self worth is somehow wrapped up here in some twisted way. Would I trade never seeing or speaking to him again for him to be happy, or even just ok? In a nanosecond. I spoke to him today and asked if he read my email. He said he doesn't have wifi where he is at, so no. We ended up arguing and I yelled "NEVER CALL ME AGAIN!!!!" and he hung up. Brilliant. Clearly I have a long way to go. [/QUOTE]
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