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A little bit of hope.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 752818" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I also don't think he volunteered. Or if he did, at most a day.There is a wonderful post on a current thread called "Harm Reduction and Acceptance" by TL, or "toughlovin'." Her 27 year old son is involved in a recovery program utilizing the harm reduction approach which is an alternative to the 12 step model of abstinence. She describes in the post her own transition from tough love to pure love, as she and her child have moved from model to model. And the changes in her son. She neither endorses or rejects an approach.</p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I am well aware that M and I are putting ourselves in the role of a sober living house. Or maybe my son has put us there. And we have obliged. We have allowed ourselves to tolerate the behavior of an addict, and we have taken responsibility to rein him in. This is hypocritical of me, as I have always said to my son that I was not a treatment program. In any event I think we will have more clarity today. We know my son is unlikely to have verification of time worked. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I think we have gained by this past week, gained in clarity (at real cost, yes.) Today is D-day. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I don't think I should be in the position of tracking my adult son. I think it infantilizes him and puts me in a position of being a prison guard and not a mother. But it is my son who has put us here. My son now will decide what happens next. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Does he want support or free rein? Probably, both. For him to continue living with us, he will have to decide to put into place another system of oversight. There is a comprehensive substance abuse program with the County. All day they have NA and other groups, case management, credentialed counsellors, etc. He has received a referral from mental health. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">If he does not come home with a verification on letterhead, he will have to leave, and he will have to come up with a plan. Continuing with us, when it is just a pile of lies, one after another, will not be an option at this point. He will have to make more decisions. About how he wants to live.</span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I will go visit the director of the Rescue Mission to see if I can find out, hypothetically, if my son can go back to the sober living house. That would do a lot to reassure me that my son will not have to sleep under a bush if he does not want to. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I am thinking that for my son to come back to our house, if there is no job verification, is a sustained drug treatment program and sobriety. I am not sure about whether or not he needs to go to a sober living house. (Actually, I think he does. But I'm afraid he won't.) Because if he is with us he will keep pushing in the ways he has been doing. (My son believes he controls us, not the reverse.) He would make us responsible for setting boundaries, and this is horrible. And he will keep making us responsible to be bad guys. Who wants to live this way or should? </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left">It seems like you, Wise, take responsibility to make and enforce strong rules with your daughter, but she is a decade younger, and as far as I know does not have drug issues. I don't think M and I are qualified or equipped to be in the spot we are. M is a recovering alcoholic but he chose to stop. My son has not done the same. We can't force somebody to want to stop. I'm embarrassed to say we have tried and tried.</p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Thank you very much.</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 752818, member: 18958"] I also don't think he volunteered. Or if he did, at most a day.There is a wonderful post on a current thread called "Harm Reduction and Acceptance" by TL, or "toughlovin'." Her 27 year old son is involved in a recovery program utilizing the harm reduction approach which is an alternative to the 12 step model of abstinence. She describes in the post her own transition from tough love to pure love, as she and her child have moved from model to model. And the changes in her son. She neither endorses or rejects an approach. [LEFT][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]I am well aware that M and I are putting ourselves in the role of a sober living house. Or maybe my son has put us there. And we have obliged. We have allowed ourselves to tolerate the behavior of an addict, and we have taken responsibility to rein him in. This is hypocritical of me, as I have always said to my son that I was not a treatment program. In any event I think we will have more clarity today. We know my son is unlikely to have verification of time worked. I think we have gained by this past week, gained in clarity (at real cost, yes.) Today is D-day. I don't think I should be in the position of tracking my adult son. I think it infantilizes him and puts me in a position of being a prison guard and not a mother. But it is my son who has put us here. My son now will decide what happens next. Does he want support or free rein? Probably, both. For him to continue living with us, he will have to decide to put into place another system of oversight. There is a comprehensive substance abuse program with the County. All day they have NA and other groups, case management, credentialed counsellors, etc. He has received a referral from mental health. If he does not come home with a verification on letterhead, he will have to leave, and he will have to come up with a plan. Continuing with us, when it is just a pile of lies, one after another, will not be an option at this point. He will have to make more decisions. About how he wants to live. I will go visit the director of the Rescue Mission to see if I can find out, hypothetically, if my son can go back to the sober living house. That would do a lot to reassure me that my son will not have to sleep under a bush if he does not want to. I am thinking that for my son to come back to our house, if there is no job verification, is a sustained drug treatment program and sobriety. I am not sure about whether or not he needs to go to a sober living house. (Actually, I think he does. But I'm afraid he won't.) Because if he is with us he will keep pushing in the ways he has been doing. (My son believes he controls us, not the reverse.) He would make us responsible for setting boundaries, and this is horrible. And he will keep making us responsible to be bad guys. Who wants to live this way or should? [/COLOR] It seems like you, Wise, take responsibility to make and enforce strong rules with your daughter, but she is a decade younger, and as far as I know does not have drug issues. I don't think M and I are qualified or equipped to be in the spot we are. M is a recovering alcoholic but he chose to stop. My son has not done the same. We can't force somebody to want to stop. I'm embarrassed to say we have tried and tried. [COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)] Thank you very much.[/COLOR][/LEFT] [/QUOTE]
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