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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710502" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You have begun again with your daughter, as partners. This is wonderful, I think. I would feel good, too.</p><p>I agree here, too. And I was very gratified for you that she walked herself and her babies right straight back into the house for the night.</p><p></p><p>I think you showed respect to her, and self-respect. I am so proud for you and happy. This is more than a great start. You were humble yet strong. Open but with a spine. I am so, so pleased.</p><p></p><p>I will check back later.</p><p></p><p>You have a husband, I think. How is he doing through this?</p><p></p><p>The one thing I would say is this, and it is not a criticism. You have said your piece. She knows now where you stand. There is not much more to say. I would while with her, and on the phone, try to stay quiet. Ask her what she wants as you have already started. Not in a demanding way. <em>But would you like xx? How would you like me to do it? Would it be helpful if I...? </em>And let her start defining to herself, her own boundaries and her own voice and to begin to know what she wants.</p><p></p><p>And I would try to not put her on the spot about what she thinks or wants. The reality is: she does not know. This is what she is in the process of learning to know. Just like when she learned to tie her shoes, there are lots of different parts to learning...and it has to be practiced and practiced over and over again. If somebody does it for her...or asks her to say out loud how to do it, think about the pressure? Could you? This is the beginning.</p><p></p><p>The downside and the upside of having a powerful, knowledgeable, and capable mother is the same thing: when we grow up, she is not there. In the best case, the daughter emerges in the center of her life, with her mother holding her hand to reassure her. That is what you are doing now. Your daughter is finding a way to be a woman without you as the center of her life and of herself. Of course you will always be there, but she needs to find who she is, and act from that person. Not from your center. This is not easy. But I have confidence she will do it and so will you.</p><p></p><p>Trust me. I did not do this until my 60's. I am still working on it.</p><p></p><p>I was a spineless and indecisive woman. I only knew how to live with having huge goals, and I would drive myself towards them, like Stalin's 5 year plans, with millions dead in the process. Except I was the person who got exploited and mistreated (by myself) in the process of attaining the goals. It was my own dead body in the road that I stepped over, on the way to whatever it was I thought was important.</p><p></p><p>I had to learn (only recently) to listen to myself, to learn what it was I needed and wanted. To find out who I was absent mega-achievement. And I am more than 40 years older than your child!</p><p></p><p>My career in prisons helped me at work. Because I had to stay centered in my own power and values. While working, I learned to listen to a certain voice in myself, and ignore the fear and confusion. Only now am I starting to be able to do this in myself, in relation to my own life.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter can do this with your help.</p><p></p><p>But the learning for you is that she may feel diminished and overpowered by your strong and sure voice, so that she is unable to hear her own. Your voice, strong and sure, no longer helps her. Because she must find her own. She will.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710502, member: 18958"] You have begun again with your daughter, as partners. This is wonderful, I think. I would feel good, too. I agree here, too. And I was very gratified for you that she walked herself and her babies right straight back into the house for the night. I think you showed respect to her, and self-respect. I am so proud for you and happy. This is more than a great start. You were humble yet strong. Open but with a spine. I am so, so pleased. I will check back later. You have a husband, I think. How is he doing through this? The one thing I would say is this, and it is not a criticism. You have said your piece. She knows now where you stand. There is not much more to say. I would while with her, and on the phone, try to stay quiet. Ask her what she wants as you have already started. Not in a demanding way. [I]But would you like xx? How would you like me to do it? Would it be helpful if I...? [/I]And let her start defining to herself, her own boundaries and her own voice and to begin to know what she wants. And I would try to not put her on the spot about what she thinks or wants. The reality is: she does not know. This is what she is in the process of learning to know. Just like when she learned to tie her shoes, there are lots of different parts to learning...and it has to be practiced and practiced over and over again. If somebody does it for her...or asks her to say out loud how to do it, think about the pressure? Could you? This is the beginning. The downside and the upside of having a powerful, knowledgeable, and capable mother is the same thing: when we grow up, she is not there. In the best case, the daughter emerges in the center of her life, with her mother holding her hand to reassure her. That is what you are doing now. Your daughter is finding a way to be a woman without you as the center of her life and of herself. Of course you will always be there, but she needs to find who she is, and act from that person. Not from your center. This is not easy. But I have confidence she will do it and so will you. Trust me. I did not do this until my 60's. I am still working on it. I was a spineless and indecisive woman. I only knew how to live with having huge goals, and I would drive myself towards them, like Stalin's 5 year plans, with millions dead in the process. Except I was the person who got exploited and mistreated (by myself) in the process of attaining the goals. It was my own dead body in the road that I stepped over, on the way to whatever it was I thought was important. I had to learn (only recently) to listen to myself, to learn what it was I needed and wanted. To find out who I was absent mega-achievement. And I am more than 40 years older than your child! My career in prisons helped me at work. Because I had to stay centered in my own power and values. While working, I learned to listen to a certain voice in myself, and ignore the fear and confusion. Only now am I starting to be able to do this in myself, in relation to my own life. Your daughter can do this with your help. But the learning for you is that she may feel diminished and overpowered by your strong and sure voice, so that she is unable to hear her own. Your voice, strong and sure, no longer helps her. Because she must find her own. She will. [/QUOTE]
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