Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
A low day...but still I rise
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 679335" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Walrus, I am so sorry for the shock of hearing this and hearing it like you did. </p><p></p><p>It is amazing what drug addicts will stoop to. And I believe they strike at us the hardest, the most vicious, because they are so used to us doing and doing and doing for them, and they are so very angry that now, we will not. </p><p></p><p>What will they do if we don't save them? By golly, they might have to start saving themselves. And they have no idea how to go about doing that. </p><p></p><p>I will never forget my son, one of the last times he got out of jail, pounding on my door at 2 a.m. I thought I had it all planned out, and the night he got out I left the house and spent the night away from home, knowing he would walk here in the middle of the night and wake me up. Being awakened like that adds insult to injury. So I left a note and some basic provisions on the front porch. When I came back the next day it was clear he had been here. The note said don't ever come here without an invitation. I thought I had set the boundary and I relaxed. He waited until the middle of the night the very next night to come and pound on the door at 2 a.m. I got up and was enraged. I was so mad I couldn't see straight. I opened that door, and said meet me around at the garage. I threw my clothes on and got my car keys and purse and said when I got out there: Get in the car. I then proceeded to tell him that he would never come to my house again in the middle of the night or at any other time without an express invitation from me, and if he did I would have him arrested. I said I am taking you to an all-night restaurant and dropping you off. He was so angry and I was too. When he got out of the car, his last words were: F___ You. </p><p></p><p>I went home and went back to bed and went to sleep. My anger was a very clean anger. I was so done with him at that point and it felt good. </p><p></p><p>I think that "clean anger and so done" is something I hear in your post. I think that is the one good thing that comes from their escalating behavior. We can't believe it, but it makes things a whole lot clearer. </p><p></p><p>And then we are able to set a firmer boundary which is exactly what they need anyway.</p><p></p><p>In your case, can you step away from her for a while? If she texts, don't respond. If she calls, don't answer. If she FB messages you, don't respond. If she comes to the house, don't answer the door.</p><p></p><p>I think stepping away, which is something I did several times, silently, can be a tremendous relief for us.</p><p></p><p>Stepping away helped me further my own recovery from enabling and get my mind clearer about who I was, what I would tolerate and how I wanted to live my life.</p><p></p><p>In both of our cases---yours and mine---our DCs are full-grown adults. We have done our jobs. They have their own lives to live and if this is the way they want to do it, then so be it. When I finally got to that point (through the grief, through the despair, through the exhaustion, through the anger, through it all), it was freeing for me. I learned something about letting him go and about letting all people go. </p><p></p><p>This is a very good thing to learn in all areas of our lives. </p><p></p><p>I am still sorry for your pain and your shock at the depths to which she will sink. Please think on this: it's not personal. She is not at all remembering or recognizing all you have done for her, and all you have been for her. She is thinking about what she wants and how to get it. That's it. Very simple. I know that doesn't help much, but it's the truth.</p><p></p><p>We are one very thin spoke on their "wheel" of life. There are many spokes that they will tap to try to get what they want. Because they realize at some base level how much we love them, and because for so long, like you wrote, we did it all and we did everything for them...they strike back so furiously at us in particular. But she'll move on to the next spoke and at some point, there will be no more spokes to tap. </p><p></p><p>On that day, when it finally comes, she may decide to start the hard work of change. That's her call, and there isn't a thing you can do about it to hurry it up.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. This could be a very good day for you and for her.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 679335, member: 17542"] Walrus, I am so sorry for the shock of hearing this and hearing it like you did. It is amazing what drug addicts will stoop to. And I believe they strike at us the hardest, the most vicious, because they are so used to us doing and doing and doing for them, and they are so very angry that now, we will not. What will they do if we don't save them? By golly, they might have to start saving themselves. And they have no idea how to go about doing that. I will never forget my son, one of the last times he got out of jail, pounding on my door at 2 a.m. I thought I had it all planned out, and the night he got out I left the house and spent the night away from home, knowing he would walk here in the middle of the night and wake me up. Being awakened like that adds insult to injury. So I left a note and some basic provisions on the front porch. When I came back the next day it was clear he had been here. The note said don't ever come here without an invitation. I thought I had set the boundary and I relaxed. He waited until the middle of the night the very next night to come and pound on the door at 2 a.m. I got up and was enraged. I was so mad I couldn't see straight. I opened that door, and said meet me around at the garage. I threw my clothes on and got my car keys and purse and said when I got out there: Get in the car. I then proceeded to tell him that he would never come to my house again in the middle of the night or at any other time without an express invitation from me, and if he did I would have him arrested. I said I am taking you to an all-night restaurant and dropping you off. He was so angry and I was too. When he got out of the car, his last words were: F___ You. I went home and went back to bed and went to sleep. My anger was a very clean anger. I was so done with him at that point and it felt good. I think that "clean anger and so done" is something I hear in your post. I think that is the one good thing that comes from their escalating behavior. We can't believe it, but it makes things a whole lot clearer. And then we are able to set a firmer boundary which is exactly what they need anyway. In your case, can you step away from her for a while? If she texts, don't respond. If she calls, don't answer. If she FB messages you, don't respond. If she comes to the house, don't answer the door. I think stepping away, which is something I did several times, silently, can be a tremendous relief for us. Stepping away helped me further my own recovery from enabling and get my mind clearer about who I was, what I would tolerate and how I wanted to live my life. In both of our cases---yours and mine---our DCs are full-grown adults. We have done our jobs. They have their own lives to live and if this is the way they want to do it, then so be it. When I finally got to that point (through the grief, through the despair, through the exhaustion, through the anger, through it all), it was freeing for me. I learned something about letting him go and about letting all people go. This is a very good thing to learn in all areas of our lives. I am still sorry for your pain and your shock at the depths to which she will sink. Please think on this: it's not personal. She is not at all remembering or recognizing all you have done for her, and all you have been for her. She is thinking about what she wants and how to get it. That's it. Very simple. I know that doesn't help much, but it's the truth. We are one very thin spoke on their "wheel" of life. There are many spokes that they will tap to try to get what they want. Because they realize at some base level how much we love them, and because for so long, like you wrote, we did it all and we did everything for them...they strike back so furiously at us in particular. But she'll move on to the next spoke and at some point, there will be no more spokes to tap. On that day, when it finally comes, she may decide to start the hard work of change. That's her call, and there isn't a thing you can do about it to hurry it up. Hang in there. This could be a very good day for you and for her. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
A low day...but still I rise
Top