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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 625215" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I love this.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is true for me, too. As I began to heal (and after I read MWM's abuse posting), it became imperative for me to confront my son, my daughter, my mother ~ anyone who was abusing me. The essential difference between that mom I am always talking about, that mom who speaks her truth, enjoys her kids, hates them to their faces when they are doing wrong and holds them to her heart whether they are wrong or right is that she can teach them without identifying with the outcome. What they do is what THEY do. That so strong mom I am always wishing I was is able to separate herself from her child in a way, until recently, I could not.</p><p></p><p>Most moms (and dads) get to live through their kids. We don't ~ not and be healthy ourselves, anyway. When our kids, especially the drug addled ones, reflect toxicity? We take that in, bask and reflect in that poisoned mirror they show us as though they had done something good.</p><p></p><p>They do what they do because they do what they do. They blame us because <u>based on the outcome</u> we blame ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Based on the outcome.</p><p></p><p>We need to stop allowing the kids to reflect that back to us.</p><p></p><p>We are no more the cause of their failures than other parents are the cause of their children's successes.</p><p></p><p>We are learning to be more discriminate, here.</p><p></p><p>When our kids are doing wrong, we have to be able to tell them so. We have to be able to know so clearly, to know from the heart out, that the kids did not learn to do what they are doing to themselves from us. </p><p></p><p>Remember that there was a time homosexuality was blamed on the mother.</p><p></p><p>A time when autism was called "feral child" and was blamed on poor mothering, too.</p><p></p><p>Remember that mysogyny is rife in our society, and that you were raised to believe everything was your fault or could be traced back to you.</p><p></p><p>Our children are different. They see everything differently. It is a hurtful, poisoned reality they reflect back to us. As Recovering posted, learning compassion for ourselves is the key, there. But we also need to learn that it is our job as the mothers to do what that good mother I am always wondering about does. She pulls no bones with the kids about what they are doing, about what she thinks about that. She hates what they are doing, not in secret, but to their faces.</p><p></p><p>And she holds them in her heart.</p><p></p><p>Our guilt (and you all know how old my "kids" are) has never changed a thing. My guilt, my unending search for what I did, for how to help, for what to try next? Never changed anything for any of us. Maybe, it made me feel that I had left no stone unturned. Maybe that is where I took the ego strength I needed to just get through the days, I don't know. </p><p></p><p>But I do know, because it happened to me, that none of that helped my kids.</p><p></p><p>So, I am jettisoning the guilt wherever I become aware of it. </p><p></p><p>I am trying to have compassion for myself, for once, just as Recovering suggests.</p><p></p><p>And oh, the anger under there! Under all that wonderfulness I was displaying toward my kids there is: so. much. rage.</p><p></p><p>I am practicing seeing what the kids do and being judgmental and disapproving. Which is what I should have done to start with.</p><p></p><p>What I did instead did not work. </p><p></p><p>My son disrespects and hates me because I taught him to blame anyone in the world but himself.</p><p></p><p>He blamed...his mother.</p><p></p><p>And he was right to do so.</p><p></p><p>I did not stand up, did not demand better. I tried to help him. The time wasted trying to help enrages me, too.</p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p>And he is the only one who can change his situation.</p><p></p><p>I cannot do it for him. I have decided I will accept no less from him. How are our kids going to get it that what they are doing is obscenely wrong unless we tell them that?</p><p></p><p>We are their mothers. We are not like the other moms. We don't get to pat ourselves on the back and take it as it comes. The fighting we've done for them through not judging, through believing in them, through beating and berating ourselves ~ none of that worked.</p><p></p><p>For me, it is about confronting the kids with what they are doing. Not even in a bad way. Simply stating the facts as I see them. </p><p></p><p>I see that as my responsibility, now.</p><p></p><p>Guilt did not help my kids; it did not help me.</p><p></p><p>Let the rest of the world judge me however they want to. This has nothing to do with them. Something is very wrong in my family and guilt contributed nothing to curing that.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 625215, member: 17461"] I love this. This is true for me, too. As I began to heal (and after I read MWM's abuse posting), it became imperative for me to confront my son, my daughter, my mother ~ anyone who was abusing me. The essential difference between that mom I am always talking about, that mom who speaks her truth, enjoys her kids, hates them to their faces when they are doing wrong and holds them to her heart whether they are wrong or right is that she can teach them without identifying with the outcome. What they do is what THEY do. That so strong mom I am always wishing I was is able to separate herself from her child in a way, until recently, I could not. Most moms (and dads) get to live through their kids. We don't ~ not and be healthy ourselves, anyway. When our kids, especially the drug addled ones, reflect toxicity? We take that in, bask and reflect in that poisoned mirror they show us as though they had done something good. They do what they do because they do what they do. They blame us because [U]based on the outcome[/U] we blame ourselves. Based on the outcome. We need to stop allowing the kids to reflect that back to us. We are no more the cause of their failures than other parents are the cause of their children's successes. We are learning to be more discriminate, here. When our kids are doing wrong, we have to be able to tell them so. We have to be able to know so clearly, to know from the heart out, that the kids did not learn to do what they are doing to themselves from us. Remember that there was a time homosexuality was blamed on the mother. A time when autism was called "feral child" and was blamed on poor mothering, too. Remember that mysogyny is rife in our society, and that you were raised to believe everything was your fault or could be traced back to you. Our children are different. They see everything differently. It is a hurtful, poisoned reality they reflect back to us. As Recovering posted, learning compassion for ourselves is the key, there. But we also need to learn that it is our job as the mothers to do what that good mother I am always wondering about does. She pulls no bones with the kids about what they are doing, about what she thinks about that. She hates what they are doing, not in secret, but to their faces. And she holds them in her heart. Our guilt (and you all know how old my "kids" are) has never changed a thing. My guilt, my unending search for what I did, for how to help, for what to try next? Never changed anything for any of us. Maybe, it made me feel that I had left no stone unturned. Maybe that is where I took the ego strength I needed to just get through the days, I don't know. But I do know, because it happened to me, that none of that helped my kids. So, I am jettisoning the guilt wherever I become aware of it. I am trying to have compassion for myself, for once, just as Recovering suggests. And oh, the anger under there! Under all that wonderfulness I was displaying toward my kids there is: so. much. rage. I am practicing seeing what the kids do and being judgmental and disapproving. Which is what I should have done to start with. What I did instead did not work. My son disrespects and hates me because I taught him to blame anyone in the world but himself. He blamed...his mother. And he was right to do so. I did not stand up, did not demand better. I tried to help him. The time wasted trying to help enrages me, too. Ahem. And he is the only one who can change his situation. I cannot do it for him. I have decided I will accept no less from him. How are our kids going to get it that what they are doing is obscenely wrong unless we tell them that? We are their mothers. We are not like the other moms. We don't get to pat ourselves on the back and take it as it comes. The fighting we've done for them through not judging, through believing in them, through beating and berating ourselves ~ none of that worked. For me, it is about confronting the kids with what they are doing. Not even in a bad way. Simply stating the facts as I see them. I see that as my responsibility, now. Guilt did not help my kids; it did not help me. Let the rest of the world judge me however they want to. This has nothing to do with them. Something is very wrong in my family and guilt contributed nothing to curing that. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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