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A mother's pain..enough is enough
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 723092" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome CARP.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry you're going thru this with your son. I know how devastating it is. You've arrived at a safe place, we've been and many still are, in the place you're in right now. You are not alone.</p><p></p><p>Firstly, I would like to strongly suggest you get as much support as you can for YOU. Some of the supportive measures we take here are Al Anon 12 step meetings, or Narc Anon or Families Anonymous. If your son has mental health issues in addition to substance abuse, give NAMI a call. They are the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they can be accessed on line and they have chapters in many cities. They have excellent parent courses, which I've taken, they can help you with support, guidance, information and resources. Many of us have private therapists who are well versed in either mental illness issues or substance abuse issues with our kids. Or if you can, find a group which specializes in substance abuse. What we have all come to realize after many years on this path, is that WE are the ones who have to change. Our kids change is up to them, and very often, they exhibit no changes until we change.</p><p></p><p>You can't control your son's choices, you can't change it nor can you fix it, nor did you cause it.</p><p></p><p>How you change is to get support, enact very strong impenetrable boundaries, learn different ways to respond, determine which of your behaviors are enabling and to put your focus on yourself now.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. </p><p></p><p>Do not allow your son to abuse you. Do not allow him to speak to you disrespectfully. Each and every time he does, let him know that you will now be hanging up. And then hang up. He will eventually learn to stop or you will not speak with him very often. Either way, do not allow that behavior. You don't deserve it and he should not be permitted to treat you or anyone in that fashion. It is ABUSE.</p><p></p><p>One of the reasons we continue to allow the bad abusive behavior is because of our own guilt. This is where therapy helps, it helps us to let go of our guilt and recognize that this is one of those situations in life which we are powerless over, we cannot control this, we must find a way to accept what we cannot change......or our lives will be dragged thru the mud daily at someone else's whims. In my opinion, this is an essential step which is usually extremely difficult for us parents especially when our kids are quite young. We have been their protectors, their saviors, their best guides and teachers. Unfortunately when they reach adulthood, we no longer have that kind of power and most of us have a very difficult time with the powerlessness of that. We've been loving them and being there for them for 18+ years, it is how we know to do it. Unfortunately, with our troubled kids, WE have to learn a very different approach. </p><p></p><p>There is nothing you did or didn't do to have created the way your son is responding to life. He made the choices which lead him here and rather than take the responsibility for those choices, he blames you......vehemently. This is extremely common practice for our troubled kids. Don't allow it. At some point in time, he will have to suffer the consequences of his choices. Or not. That is up to him.</p><p></p><p>The best advice I can give you is to take excellent care of yourself now. All of that focus you've had on your son, place it on you. After we've been at this for years, we are depleted, exhausted and often have forgotten how to care for ourselves. Nourish yourself. Nurture yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to another who has been suffering for so long. It's a tough transition for us to make, because we feel so guilty and responsible and we believe that our love can somehow heal them. If that were true, not one of us would be on this forum. </p><p></p><p>Every single time he threatens suicide, call the authorities to do a wellness check on him. He will soon stop that behavior once called on it.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting it helps. Know that you're not alone. Take care of you, your husband and your daughter now. Begin the process of detaching what you cannot control. I'm glad you're here with us. We understand.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 723092, member: 13542"] Welcome CARP. I'm so sorry you're going thru this with your son. I know how devastating it is. You've arrived at a safe place, we've been and many still are, in the place you're in right now. You are not alone. Firstly, I would like to strongly suggest you get as much support as you can for YOU. Some of the supportive measures we take here are Al Anon 12 step meetings, or Narc Anon or Families Anonymous. If your son has mental health issues in addition to substance abuse, give NAMI a call. They are the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they can be accessed on line and they have chapters in many cities. They have excellent parent courses, which I've taken, they can help you with support, guidance, information and resources. Many of us have private therapists who are well versed in either mental illness issues or substance abuse issues with our kids. Or if you can, find a group which specializes in substance abuse. What we have all come to realize after many years on this path, is that WE are the ones who have to change. Our kids change is up to them, and very often, they exhibit no changes until we change. You can't control your son's choices, you can't change it nor can you fix it, nor did you cause it. How you change is to get support, enact very strong impenetrable boundaries, learn different ways to respond, determine which of your behaviors are enabling and to put your focus on yourself now. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Do not allow your son to abuse you. Do not allow him to speak to you disrespectfully. Each and every time he does, let him know that you will now be hanging up. And then hang up. He will eventually learn to stop or you will not speak with him very often. Either way, do not allow that behavior. You don't deserve it and he should not be permitted to treat you or anyone in that fashion. It is ABUSE. One of the reasons we continue to allow the bad abusive behavior is because of our own guilt. This is where therapy helps, it helps us to let go of our guilt and recognize that this is one of those situations in life which we are powerless over, we cannot control this, we must find a way to accept what we cannot change......or our lives will be dragged thru the mud daily at someone else's whims. In my opinion, this is an essential step which is usually extremely difficult for us parents especially when our kids are quite young. We have been their protectors, their saviors, their best guides and teachers. Unfortunately when they reach adulthood, we no longer have that kind of power and most of us have a very difficult time with the powerlessness of that. We've been loving them and being there for them for 18+ years, it is how we know to do it. Unfortunately, with our troubled kids, WE have to learn a very different approach. There is nothing you did or didn't do to have created the way your son is responding to life. He made the choices which lead him here and rather than take the responsibility for those choices, he blames you......vehemently. This is extremely common practice for our troubled kids. Don't allow it. At some point in time, he will have to suffer the consequences of his choices. Or not. That is up to him. The best advice I can give you is to take excellent care of yourself now. All of that focus you've had on your son, place it on you. After we've been at this for years, we are depleted, exhausted and often have forgotten how to care for ourselves. Nourish yourself. Nurture yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to another who has been suffering for so long. It's a tough transition for us to make, because we feel so guilty and responsible and we believe that our love can somehow heal them. If that were true, not one of us would be on this forum. Every single time he threatens suicide, call the authorities to do a wellness check on him. He will soon stop that behavior once called on it. Keep posting it helps. Know that you're not alone. Take care of you, your husband and your daughter now. Begin the process of detaching what you cannot control. I'm glad you're here with us. We understand. [/QUOTE]
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