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A strange balance point
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 621113" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Well, I think I graduated to some new level here. Sheesh. The phone rang here this afternoon and I just knew it was her. I took the call. It was a good choice, I was ready. Time, SO's unending love and support and the wagon circling you all did helped tremendously. </p><p></p><p>She told me what happened. She talked. I said <em>very, very </em>little. I had no emotion, I offered nothing, I was simply present. She was very quiet, no drama, no crying, a lot of long pauses. I'm sure my quiet was disconcerting. She asked if I would be willing to drive someplace to see if her car was there, it was blocks away so I said, yes. She asked if it was there would I drive it back to my house. I said yes. There were more long pauses. She said she had a hearing tomorrow because she pleaded not guilty. I didn't say anything. She said she would try to call later or tomorrow, I said fine. We got off the phone, I felt.............nothing. SO said, "you hardly spoke and when you did, you had no emotion, you sounded flat." </p><p></p><p>We drove to look for her car, I have an extra key. We came upon it in the complex she lives in. The cops were there searching it. We stopped and introduced ourselves. We saw her roommate and chatted with him. The officer said after they finished searching it, I could have it, he took my number and called an hour later and we picked it up. </p><p></p><p>I can't explain this but this has had no impact on me. I went to look for her car and brought it back here because it was easy to do. If it had been hard, I would have said no. If the car had not been there, I would have returned home and that would have been that. If the police would have said I had to do this or that, I wouldn't have done anything. I believe I acted in a healthy way. </p><p></p><p>I think my daughter sensed my detachment this time, those long pauses were relatively new, .......I could hear her confusion.............the old script we've played out endlessly has been changed, but this was what I consider a huge test for me...........can I stay detached when there is more on the line? Can I maintain my composure and ability to keep those boundaries intact when she could use so much help? Can I stay in my center and not get pulled out by her drama? Yes, I can.</p><p></p><p>I feel good about my choice. She may be in jail until tomorrow or for a month or for a longer time. I've now done what feels good. I feel "clean." She didn't ask about money on her books or anything else, just her car. It feels like I have a better handle on the giving thing, about what I can do and what I can't do. It was all so easy. There was no muss or fuss or heavy emoting for anyone............<em>.just the facts.</em> (Like on Dragnet..............)</p><p></p><p>SO and I talked about if she stays in longer perhaps I might put money on her books. He suggested that as some of you have. I am not certain of that yet. I have to see how that feels if it happens. Right now this all feels right, that "right" feeling once again.............for today.............for this moment...............tomorrow is another day..........I'll think about it tomorrow. (Scarlet O'Hara)</p><p></p><p>A really nice moment occurred when we got back. I was saying to SO that for my whole life I've always had to show up alone to handle these kinds of things.........and this was MINOR compared to so many dramas my family has pulled me into. With him by my side through the last few years when my difficult child's life blew and she began her descent, it really has been so much easier, it's so nice to be comforted and not have that awful feeling of being so alone with so much on your shoulders. I thanked him for all he's done, for all the times he's shown up for me.........he said, "well, those alone days are over now, I'm here now." It made me cry. It's true. I am not alone. What a gift for me to really get that. I mean I've known that, but you know what I mean, when you get something really deeply, when it impacts you profoundly and changes your experience of life. I got it and it was pretty great. </p><p></p><p>So underneath this new development, there are wonderful gifts for me. I am feeling that gratitude again. Everything feels as if it's all in the right place. </p><p></p><p>And, you all helped me move through this...............that wagon circling is very powerful stuff............thank you all so much..............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 621113, member: 13542"] Well, I think I graduated to some new level here. Sheesh. The phone rang here this afternoon and I just knew it was her. I took the call. It was a good choice, I was ready. Time, SO's unending love and support and the wagon circling you all did helped tremendously. She told me what happened. She talked. I said [I]very, very [/I]little. I had no emotion, I offered nothing, I was simply present. She was very quiet, no drama, no crying, a lot of long pauses. I'm sure my quiet was disconcerting. She asked if I would be willing to drive someplace to see if her car was there, it was blocks away so I said, yes. She asked if it was there would I drive it back to my house. I said yes. There were more long pauses. She said she had a hearing tomorrow because she pleaded not guilty. I didn't say anything. She said she would try to call later or tomorrow, I said fine. We got off the phone, I felt.............nothing. SO said, "you hardly spoke and when you did, you had no emotion, you sounded flat." We drove to look for her car, I have an extra key. We came upon it in the complex she lives in. The cops were there searching it. We stopped and introduced ourselves. We saw her roommate and chatted with him. The officer said after they finished searching it, I could have it, he took my number and called an hour later and we picked it up. I can't explain this but this has had no impact on me. I went to look for her car and brought it back here because it was easy to do. If it had been hard, I would have said no. If the car had not been there, I would have returned home and that would have been that. If the police would have said I had to do this or that, I wouldn't have done anything. I believe I acted in a healthy way. I think my daughter sensed my detachment this time, those long pauses were relatively new, .......I could hear her confusion.............the old script we've played out endlessly has been changed, but this was what I consider a huge test for me...........can I stay detached when there is more on the line? Can I maintain my composure and ability to keep those boundaries intact when she could use so much help? Can I stay in my center and not get pulled out by her drama? Yes, I can. I feel good about my choice. She may be in jail until tomorrow or for a month or for a longer time. I've now done what feels good. I feel "clean." She didn't ask about money on her books or anything else, just her car. It feels like I have a better handle on the giving thing, about what I can do and what I can't do. It was all so easy. There was no muss or fuss or heavy emoting for anyone............[I].just the facts.[/I] (Like on Dragnet..............) SO and I talked about if she stays in longer perhaps I might put money on her books. He suggested that as some of you have. I am not certain of that yet. I have to see how that feels if it happens. Right now this all feels right, that "right" feeling once again.............for today.............for this moment...............tomorrow is another day..........I'll think about it tomorrow. (Scarlet O'Hara) A really nice moment occurred when we got back. I was saying to SO that for my whole life I've always had to show up alone to handle these kinds of things.........and this was MINOR compared to so many dramas my family has pulled me into. With him by my side through the last few years when my difficult child's life blew and she began her descent, it really has been so much easier, it's so nice to be comforted and not have that awful feeling of being so alone with so much on your shoulders. I thanked him for all he's done, for all the times he's shown up for me.........he said, "well, those alone days are over now, I'm here now." It made me cry. It's true. I am not alone. What a gift for me to really get that. I mean I've known that, but you know what I mean, when you get something really deeply, when it impacts you profoundly and changes your experience of life. I got it and it was pretty great. So underneath this new development, there are wonderful gifts for me. I am feeling that gratitude again. Everything feels as if it's all in the right place. And, you all helped me move through this...............that wagon circling is very powerful stuff............thank you all so much.............. [/QUOTE]
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