Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
A tough question to answer ...
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 740471" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Thank you all. It's hard to explain how much it rattles me. It's bringing up so many emotions and memories from the past. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I so hope so! the thing that breaks my heart is thinking that once upon a time, their dad was a vulnerable young man, too. He wasn't a monster 100% of the time. Inside almost every abuser, I think, is a hurt child. How do you heal the child so that the man can stop the cycle? C is self-reflective, when sober, and that does give me hope. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Nature, thank you so much for sharing your story, and validating my need (and right) to remain safe. You're right - I wouldn't feel safe with him here, and I know my partner would feel very unsafe. She doesn't see the hurt little boy when she looks at him, because she wasn't there. But the bottom line is I cannot, cannot, cannot think about going back into that sense of constant anxiety and fear I lived with for so long. It's ridiculous that it took me until almost 50 to finally have a home and a life I feel totally safe and comfortable in. I can't go backward. I can't give that up. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh dear God so much guilt. So much regret that I couldn't get them all out of that. He put all of us through hell. I was never able to adopt my older three, because he said biomom would never voluntarily give up parental rights and we shouldn't "poke the bear" by trying. I know now that terminating her rights would have been entirely possible, since she had no contact with them for years at a time. He just wanted to retain the power over me, to be able to say <em>"I'll throw your <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> out and I'll make sure you never see any of them again.</em>" I couldn't call the cops because he WAS the cops. I wasn't able to leave until C had already moved out and severed ties with his dad. N was an adult and in an extended treatment program following his Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). S was 17 and I planned to take her with me, legal complications be damned, but then she had a breakdown and tried to run me over with a car...I realized I couldn't handle her, and couldn't trust her not to give up our location to her dad, so I had to leave her behind. E was the only one I was able to get out, and just for her last 3 years of high school. She was the only one I had a legal claim to. I don't know if S has ever fully forgiven me (she says she wasn't really going to hit me with that car...sigh.) Writing it all down...have you ever heard of so much drama? If I wrote it all in a novel it would get rejected for being too unbelievable! </p><p></p><p>When I look back at those years I remember one nine-month period when my ex had been recalled to active duty. The kids were all upper elementary - early high school. And for those nine months, everything worked beautifully. We pulled together. The kids did chores. We sat together at the kitchen table and did homework every night. We played cards. I'm sure there was conflict between the kids but I don't remember any - it was like everyone was trying extra hard to make it work and be gentle with each other with him gone. I look back at that time and think what if? What if I had been able to raise them all exactly like I wanted? </p><p></p><p>But then I know there are no guarantees. So many of you gave your kids picture perfect childhoods and still ended up here. I know mine still would have mental illness, genetics, and biomom's substance use against them. So maybe it wouldn't have made a difference at all, in the long run. I don't know. But it's hard not to wonder. </p><p></p><p>I just want to see them all succeed, whatever success looks like for each of them individually. I don't care if C never owns a house or has a family or has a professional career. I just want him to be happy, and safe, and live a decent life on his own terms. S, too. I'm so scared they'll never get there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 740471, member: 23349"] Thank you all. It's hard to explain how much it rattles me. It's bringing up so many emotions and memories from the past. I so hope so! the thing that breaks my heart is thinking that once upon a time, their dad was a vulnerable young man, too. He wasn't a monster 100% of the time. Inside almost every abuser, I think, is a hurt child. How do you heal the child so that the man can stop the cycle? C is self-reflective, when sober, and that does give me hope. Nature, thank you so much for sharing your story, and validating my need (and right) to remain safe. You're right - I wouldn't feel safe with him here, and I know my partner would feel very unsafe. She doesn't see the hurt little boy when she looks at him, because she wasn't there. But the bottom line is I cannot, cannot, cannot think about going back into that sense of constant anxiety and fear I lived with for so long. It's ridiculous that it took me until almost 50 to finally have a home and a life I feel totally safe and comfortable in. I can't go backward. I can't give that up. Oh dear God so much guilt. So much regret that I couldn't get them all out of that. He put all of us through hell. I was never able to adopt my older three, because he said biomom would never voluntarily give up parental rights and we shouldn't "poke the bear" by trying. I know now that terminating her rights would have been entirely possible, since she had no contact with them for years at a time. He just wanted to retain the power over me, to be able to say [I]"I'll throw your :censored2: out and I'll make sure you never see any of them again.[/I]" I couldn't call the cops because he WAS the cops. I wasn't able to leave until C had already moved out and severed ties with his dad. N was an adult and in an extended treatment program following his Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). S was 17 and I planned to take her with me, legal complications be damned, but then she had a breakdown and tried to run me over with a car...I realized I couldn't handle her, and couldn't trust her not to give up our location to her dad, so I had to leave her behind. E was the only one I was able to get out, and just for her last 3 years of high school. She was the only one I had a legal claim to. I don't know if S has ever fully forgiven me (she says she wasn't really going to hit me with that car...sigh.) Writing it all down...have you ever heard of so much drama? If I wrote it all in a novel it would get rejected for being too unbelievable! When I look back at those years I remember one nine-month period when my ex had been recalled to active duty. The kids were all upper elementary - early high school. And for those nine months, everything worked beautifully. We pulled together. The kids did chores. We sat together at the kitchen table and did homework every night. We played cards. I'm sure there was conflict between the kids but I don't remember any - it was like everyone was trying extra hard to make it work and be gentle with each other with him gone. I look back at that time and think what if? What if I had been able to raise them all exactly like I wanted? But then I know there are no guarantees. So many of you gave your kids picture perfect childhoods and still ended up here. I know mine still would have mental illness, genetics, and biomom's substance use against them. So maybe it wouldn't have made a difference at all, in the long run. I don't know. But it's hard not to wonder. I just want to see them all succeed, whatever success looks like for each of them individually. I don't care if C never owns a house or has a family or has a professional career. I just want him to be happy, and safe, and live a decent life on his own terms. S, too. I'm so scared they'll never get there. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
A tough question to answer ...
Top