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A tough question to answer ...
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 740475" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh my Elsi, what a story......you've been through it and back again.</p><p></p><p>You raised 4 kids who aren't your bio kids, 2 of whom have mental illness..... you had the courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship and begin a new life. Two of your kids are doing well, which is easy to see YOU were the role model for them. And, here you are with us, worrying about your wayward oldest boy........you deserve one hell of an award and a lifetime of 'attagirl's' for all the love you poured into your kids and all the years of trying to keep them safe in an unsafe environment.</p><p></p><p>NONE of this is your fault or your doing. You provided the children with love and everything you could offer, <em>which is enough.</em> The fact that their father was abusive is HIS problem, not yours. You were a victim of his (or survivor which is a better way to look at it) just like the kids were.</p><p></p><p>The guilt you feel is misplaced I believe. It should be put squarely on the shoulders of their father. You were the protector, the nurturer. If they had not had you, well........we can imagine.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The guilt has got to go. (I say that smiling, I know how it sounds, but I'm serious). Guilt does one very important, negative thing, it keeps you stuck on the hamster wheel of self punishment. Perhaps out of your awareness. But if we feel that much guilt about anything, we will find ways to punish ourselves...I discovered many ways I punished myself once I began to heal.</p><p></p><p>My bio family is riddled with mental illness and my daughter inherited some form of that too. I know what it's like to live in hell with raging and drama, fear and intensity.......I have 4 siblings, 2 are mentally ill (schizophrenia & bi-polar/schizoaffective/Aspergers) one who is 'lost' and one who is ok. I've now had 25 years of therapy to get over my childhood...and to let go of my own "survivor guilt." I've had to learn the PHD of acceptance or I would not have made it out of there alive. It taught me a lot about how much I cannot control. My daughter then brought the rest of the lessons in acceptance and detachment home. It's been a long journey. I understand much of the path you've been walking. I'm so very sorry you've had to go through any of that. It hurts.</p><p></p><p>You are a loving, nurturing, wise, compassionate, empathetic woman whose had a rough ride....... perhaps it's time to focus on YOU, to nurture and nourish YOU. You matter too. During all my years in therapy, I think the single most important breakthrough I had was when I discovered that my compassion was not extended to me, only to those I loved and cared for. When I made a conscious commitment to be kind, loving and compassionate to myself, a lot changed. When I turned the light of my own love towards myself, it began to shift everything.</p><p></p><p>You made an enormous difference in all of your kids lives. The fact that they are not all living the lives we would hope for them does not diminish your contribution to their lives and your obvious deep love for each of them. In my belief system we each come here with our own fate, our own destiny...... my daughter and your son and daughter and my siblings are living out lives they are choosing.....to learn whatever they come in to learn. Maybe it's to learn how to survive on the streets, we don't know what another's life destiny is.....we can only measure it by our own standards, (which I know are not my daughter's standards by a long shot).</p><p></p><p>You're not alone Elsi, we're here with you. Take <em>really, really</em> good care of yourself......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 740475, member: 13542"] Oh my Elsi, what a story......you've been through it and back again. You raised 4 kids who aren't your bio kids, 2 of whom have mental illness..... you had the courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship and begin a new life. Two of your kids are doing well, which is easy to see YOU were the role model for them. And, here you are with us, worrying about your wayward oldest boy........you deserve one hell of an award and a lifetime of 'attagirl's' for all the love you poured into your kids and all the years of trying to keep them safe in an unsafe environment. NONE of this is your fault or your doing. You provided the children with love and everything you could offer, [I]which is enough.[/I] The fact that their father was abusive is HIS problem, not yours. You were a victim of his (or survivor which is a better way to look at it) just like the kids were. The guilt you feel is misplaced I believe. It should be put squarely on the shoulders of their father. You were the protector, the nurturer. If they had not had you, well........we can imagine. The guilt has got to go. (I say that smiling, I know how it sounds, but I'm serious). Guilt does one very important, negative thing, it keeps you stuck on the hamster wheel of self punishment. Perhaps out of your awareness. But if we feel that much guilt about anything, we will find ways to punish ourselves...I discovered many ways I punished myself once I began to heal. My bio family is riddled with mental illness and my daughter inherited some form of that too. I know what it's like to live in hell with raging and drama, fear and intensity.......I have 4 siblings, 2 are mentally ill (schizophrenia & bi-polar/schizoaffective/Aspergers) one who is 'lost' and one who is ok. I've now had 25 years of therapy to get over my childhood...and to let go of my own "survivor guilt." I've had to learn the PHD of acceptance or I would not have made it out of there alive. It taught me a lot about how much I cannot control. My daughter then brought the rest of the lessons in acceptance and detachment home. It's been a long journey. I understand much of the path you've been walking. I'm so very sorry you've had to go through any of that. It hurts. You are a loving, nurturing, wise, compassionate, empathetic woman whose had a rough ride....... perhaps it's time to focus on YOU, to nurture and nourish YOU. You matter too. During all my years in therapy, I think the single most important breakthrough I had was when I discovered that my compassion was not extended to me, only to those I loved and cared for. When I made a conscious commitment to be kind, loving and compassionate to myself, a lot changed. When I turned the light of my own love towards myself, it began to shift everything. You made an enormous difference in all of your kids lives. The fact that they are not all living the lives we would hope for them does not diminish your contribution to their lives and your obvious deep love for each of them. In my belief system we each come here with our own fate, our own destiny...... my daughter and your son and daughter and my siblings are living out lives they are choosing.....to learn whatever they come in to learn. Maybe it's to learn how to survive on the streets, we don't know what another's life destiny is.....we can only measure it by our own standards, (which I know are not my daughter's standards by a long shot). You're not alone Elsi, we're here with you. Take [I]really, really[/I] good care of yourself...... [/QUOTE]
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