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A tough question to answer ...
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 740537" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>I think you’re right. I didn’t hear from him again today, and I’m a little afraid to make the next move. But I’ll reach out tomorrow to both C and S and see if they’ll respond to me. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Some do. E always has. She’s always been an intuitive kid. And we got very close during the time of was just us. We restarted life from a DV shelter with two suitcases and 4 trash bags of stuff I grabbed on my way out the door. She was heading into her sophomore year of high school. And never once complained. Now she’s newly married and doing great, and we have a really great relationship. I enjoy spending time with her as a person, not just as my child. </p><p></p><p>N took longer to get there but he’s there now, and often very sweetly protective. We had a lot of time together during his recovery for the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). But oddly our relationship really changed, and we really bonded, while he was in prison. As he moved into the rehab center and had more freedom, we did a lot of talking. And things seemed to come into focus for him. </p><p></p><p>For C and S, who knows. There are flashes, sometimes. But when they are always in survival mode, I think it’s hard for them for focus on anything except themselves and their own needs. They are like a drowning person who will grab on to someone else and push them under in a desperate attempt to get air. If they were not drowning, they would not do such a thing. But in the moment, the body and the primal mind just think ‘I must have air,’ </p><p></p><p>I think you’ll have more talks with your son again. It ebbs and flows. Right now, he’s grasping for air. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I’d like to say this. But with mine, I’m not entirely sure I can blame everything on drugs and alcohol. I often think the drugs and drinking are as much symptom as cause. The mental health issues, the anger management issues, the impulse control issues, are underlying everything. </p><p></p><p>Their dad didn’t do drugs and only rarely drank. He was just a rageaholic. He could go from gentleman to raging bull in the blink of an eye, stone cold sober. And you didn’t always even know what triggered it. I used to say I WISHED he was a drunk so I could have something to blame it on, and some hope that there was a possibility of change if he stopped drinking. But it was just the way he was, no alcohol required. </p><p></p><p>As far as I know, C has only really lost it while black out drunk. But - there is a whole lot about his life I don’t know. S is extremely volatile even when sober. Less scary, since she’s less than 5 feet tall and probably 95 pounds soaking wet. But still disturbing when she loses control. </p><p></p><p>So I don’t know. Would getting sober help? Absolutely. But I think with mine it’s only a piece of the puzzle. They both need serious mental health care that they aren’t getting. Without that, I think sobriety and stable lives are just not possible. It just seems to be out of my power to make that happen.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 740537, member: 23349"] I think you’re right. I didn’t hear from him again today, and I’m a little afraid to make the next move. But I’ll reach out tomorrow to both C and S and see if they’ll respond to me. Some do. E always has. She’s always been an intuitive kid. And we got very close during the time of was just us. We restarted life from a DV shelter with two suitcases and 4 trash bags of stuff I grabbed on my way out the door. She was heading into her sophomore year of high school. And never once complained. Now she’s newly married and doing great, and we have a really great relationship. I enjoy spending time with her as a person, not just as my child. N took longer to get there but he’s there now, and often very sweetly protective. We had a lot of time together during his recovery for the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). But oddly our relationship really changed, and we really bonded, while he was in prison. As he moved into the rehab center and had more freedom, we did a lot of talking. And things seemed to come into focus for him. For C and S, who knows. There are flashes, sometimes. But when they are always in survival mode, I think it’s hard for them for focus on anything except themselves and their own needs. They are like a drowning person who will grab on to someone else and push them under in a desperate attempt to get air. If they were not drowning, they would not do such a thing. But in the moment, the body and the primal mind just think ‘I must have air,’ I think you’ll have more talks with your son again. It ebbs and flows. Right now, he’s grasping for air. I’d like to say this. But with mine, I’m not entirely sure I can blame everything on drugs and alcohol. I often think the drugs and drinking are as much symptom as cause. The mental health issues, the anger management issues, the impulse control issues, are underlying everything. Their dad didn’t do drugs and only rarely drank. He was just a rageaholic. He could go from gentleman to raging bull in the blink of an eye, stone cold sober. And you didn’t always even know what triggered it. I used to say I WISHED he was a drunk so I could have something to blame it on, and some hope that there was a possibility of change if he stopped drinking. But it was just the way he was, no alcohol required. As far as I know, C has only really lost it while black out drunk. But - there is a whole lot about his life I don’t know. S is extremely volatile even when sober. Less scary, since she’s less than 5 feet tall and probably 95 pounds soaking wet. But still disturbing when she loses control. So I don’t know. Would getting sober help? Absolutely. But I think with mine it’s only a piece of the puzzle. They both need serious mental health care that they aren’t getting. Without that, I think sobriety and stable lives are just not possible. It just seems to be out of my power to make that happen. [/QUOTE]
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