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Abandonment issues
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 743807" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Thank you all for this discussion.... it is really food for thought for me. I really dont think I have abandonment issues myself.... although there may be some. I had a a great relationship with my mom and I knew she loved me unconditionally and she was always always there for me and is really my model of a great mom. However my dad left her after 38 years of marriage when I was 23 and that created a lot of insecurity in me about marriage etc..... and luckily for me I married a man who was willing to put up with some of my insecurities as I worked through them because I was certainly worried about him leaving me. I did work through that and we have been married now for 33 years and I dont really think that is an issue for me now. So I dont think that is really related but who knows. </p><p></p><p>I do think though that my son has always had issues and has always been sensitive and felt things deeply and as his mom I always felt things for him..... so I was aware of his insecurities and issues and felt his real or my imagined hurts on his part around his adoption. When he found out he was going to that therapeutic school we were driving him from the wilderness program in NC to the school in Alabama. We woke up in the morning in Atlanta and he was gone. He left us a note that he couldnt go to the school and had taken his backpack and was walking north. I completely freaked out, was scared out of my wits and we called the police. Here we were in a place we didn’t know, in a state we didnt know, that he didnt know wnad he had disappearted in the middle of the night and he was 15 years old. The police came.... and then he called.... he had figured out after walking all night that was not going to work and so he called and the police took me to pick him up. I got out of the car to hug him and he looked at me and said “I left you a note!”. Like why were you worried?”. Then we took him to the school and I think he was traumatized being there because he didnt not want to go and I think he had not choice and it was traumatic for all of us. He really hated it there..... and yet when he finally came home he looked great, it was the only year he did well in school, he wasn’t using drugs, he got a really nice girlfriend, things looked really good for about a year.....And we literally flew to AL every month from many states away to see him. So no matter how he felt about it, that is hardly abandonment. And given some of what we realized later about some issues with our daugther, she needed him to be away because she was not doing well with him home and she blossomed and it made a huge difference for her. </p><p>So I dont really regret that decision, in hindsight, even though I question it, I think it was probably a necessary and right decision given what we knew at the time.</p><p></p><p>And honestly geez louise we have been there for him over and over and over again. Yes when he was 18 we kicked him out of the house when he threatened to bash my teeth in..... totally necessary to do that. I dont think he blames me for that. We have gotten him so much treatment. Yes without our interventions he most likely would be dead by now.</p><p></p><p>I really think at this point he knows that I love him, that I will always love him. I dont think he really questions that. I also think he knows we will always be there for him. Actually I dont even think he thinks we will abandon him.... I think that is my fear that he fears that. I think he has fears of abandonment..... but I think that is more related to romantic relationships than to me. I think he knows I will be there for him no matter what because I always have been. Always. Yes I have set boundaries. Sometimes he doesn’t like those boundaries. No I wont always let him live with me. But I have never completely cut off our relationship and I dont think he thinks I ever will.... and I cant imagine I ever would.</p><p></p><p>OK so writing that out clarified that for me. I dont think he is afraid of me abandoning him. He has abandonment issues but I really dont think they are around me. So I need to stop letting him manipulate me by using my guilt or fear around abandonment, or wishing for closeness, So. I think maybe I can step back, maybe even pull back.....not contact him if he his not contacting me......we have this program that is staying in touch with him so it is not like there is no one staying touch with him.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 743807, member: 15801"] Thank you all for this discussion.... it is really food for thought for me. I really dont think I have abandonment issues myself.... although there may be some. I had a a great relationship with my mom and I knew she loved me unconditionally and she was always always there for me and is really my model of a great mom. However my dad left her after 38 years of marriage when I was 23 and that created a lot of insecurity in me about marriage etc..... and luckily for me I married a man who was willing to put up with some of my insecurities as I worked through them because I was certainly worried about him leaving me. I did work through that and we have been married now for 33 years and I dont really think that is an issue for me now. So I dont think that is really related but who knows. I do think though that my son has always had issues and has always been sensitive and felt things deeply and as his mom I always felt things for him..... so I was aware of his insecurities and issues and felt his real or my imagined hurts on his part around his adoption. When he found out he was going to that therapeutic school we were driving him from the wilderness program in NC to the school in Alabama. We woke up in the morning in Atlanta and he was gone. He left us a note that he couldnt go to the school and had taken his backpack and was walking north. I completely freaked out, was scared out of my wits and we called the police. Here we were in a place we didn’t know, in a state we didnt know, that he didnt know wnad he had disappearted in the middle of the night and he was 15 years old. The police came.... and then he called.... he had figured out after walking all night that was not going to work and so he called and the police took me to pick him up. I got out of the car to hug him and he looked at me and said “I left you a note!”. Like why were you worried?”. Then we took him to the school and I think he was traumatized being there because he didnt not want to go and I think he had not choice and it was traumatic for all of us. He really hated it there..... and yet when he finally came home he looked great, it was the only year he did well in school, he wasn’t using drugs, he got a really nice girlfriend, things looked really good for about a year.....And we literally flew to AL every month from many states away to see him. So no matter how he felt about it, that is hardly abandonment. And given some of what we realized later about some issues with our daugther, she needed him to be away because she was not doing well with him home and she blossomed and it made a huge difference for her. So I dont really regret that decision, in hindsight, even though I question it, I think it was probably a necessary and right decision given what we knew at the time. And honestly geez louise we have been there for him over and over and over again. Yes when he was 18 we kicked him out of the house when he threatened to bash my teeth in..... totally necessary to do that. I dont think he blames me for that. We have gotten him so much treatment. Yes without our interventions he most likely would be dead by now. I really think at this point he knows that I love him, that I will always love him. I dont think he really questions that. I also think he knows we will always be there for him. Actually I dont even think he thinks we will abandon him.... I think that is my fear that he fears that. I think he has fears of abandonment..... but I think that is more related to romantic relationships than to me. I think he knows I will be there for him no matter what because I always have been. Always. Yes I have set boundaries. Sometimes he doesn’t like those boundaries. No I wont always let him live with me. But I have never completely cut off our relationship and I dont think he thinks I ever will.... and I cant imagine I ever would. OK so writing that out clarified that for me. I dont think he is afraid of me abandoning him. He has abandonment issues but I really dont think they are around me. So I need to stop letting him manipulate me by using my guilt or fear around abandonment, or wishing for closeness, So. I think maybe I can step back, maybe even pull back.....not contact him if he his not contacting me......we have this program that is staying in touch with him so it is not like there is no one staying touch with him. TL [/QUOTE]
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