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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 621734" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Beautifully said Echo and Cedar.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is so true. When others offer those platitudes, certainly not intending to harm.........but nevertheless, they are not only not hearing you, they are in essence denying your reality and making it clear they will not be present for whatever pain or loss you are attempting to feel. </p><p></p><p>As a sensitive child growing up, both of my parents, in their own mental illness and incapacity to be present for themselves, consistently denied my feelings and replaced them with their own very skewered reality.........my growing self interpreted those messages as there was something inherently wrong with me. </p><p></p><p>Our collective lack of presence, in my opinion, does enormous damage.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I believe that being fully present is a very healthy way to be........enabling, in my opinion, is a part of the "fixed or inauthentic self" which is not operating out of sincere emotions which are then expressed easily and truthfully, it is a model created in fear and cemented in, within which we cannot be real, we are caricatures of whatever role we designed to play out............in many cases, our interpretation of the "perfect mother"...............the all knowing, always loving, always understanding, always nurturing, always available mother.........is not at all real or realistic. </p><p></p><p>I think hope is a positive until a certain point is reached......then letting go is necessary.......like in attempting to resuscitate someone back to life, after awhile you have to let go. There isn't anything else to do, the person has died. You can hope all you want for a different outcome, but the end has arrived. That is the point we all wrestle with, when is that point? How do you know you reached it? Did you go over it and not know it? Could you have done more? Should you continue to do more? </p><p></p><p>These are extremely difficult questions and when you apply it to our kids...........it's no wonder we hold on so long. I think that's also the difference in the younger kids and many of our older kids here.......when they are younger hope is a definite positive........and a parent most likely <em>should</em> hold on tightly to that hope.............but at a certain point, which is not at all clear, that hope turns into a negative, it becomes stagnant, no actions occur, it becomes a poisoned pond due to no movement. And, even then we hold out hope. We are amazing creatures in our ability to hope. </p><p></p><p>But, for me, and I think I have the oldest kid here, hope had to go. For the parents of the younger ones, that could sound horrible, abhorrent and cruel............. and about a year and a half ago, I felt that too. Hope can be a double edged sword. I had to go through hell to find that out.</p><p></p><p>On a lighter note, I am feeling pretty good. We are all settling into this new "normal." I have another 6 or 7 weeks of this and then there will be more changes. She found out a lot of her stuff was actually taken by the police and they have it for her.........so that is a relief, she thought it was stolen. There is also some discrepancy with the statements about a no trespassing order in the complex she was living in..........so I am not sure what the actual truth is. In most ways I don't need to know anyway............She called me at work today and I voiced my reluctance in doing a lot this go round.......I am keeping my involvement at a real minimum now which feels appropriate. As we often say here, it is what it is. And, I am in a good place. </p><p></p><p>If you feel up to it, perhaps say a prayer for my daughter........she could sure use some guidance and a new path lit up for her..........praying is what I do most for her now..........thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 621734, member: 13542"] Beautifully said Echo and Cedar. That is so true. When others offer those platitudes, certainly not intending to harm.........but nevertheless, they are not only not hearing you, they are in essence denying your reality and making it clear they will not be present for whatever pain or loss you are attempting to feel. As a sensitive child growing up, both of my parents, in their own mental illness and incapacity to be present for themselves, consistently denied my feelings and replaced them with their own very skewered reality.........my growing self interpreted those messages as there was something inherently wrong with me. Our collective lack of presence, in my opinion, does enormous damage. I believe that being fully present is a very healthy way to be........enabling, in my opinion, is a part of the "fixed or inauthentic self" which is not operating out of sincere emotions which are then expressed easily and truthfully, it is a model created in fear and cemented in, within which we cannot be real, we are caricatures of whatever role we designed to play out............in many cases, our interpretation of the "perfect mother"...............the all knowing, always loving, always understanding, always nurturing, always available mother.........is not at all real or realistic. I think hope is a positive until a certain point is reached......then letting go is necessary.......like in attempting to resuscitate someone back to life, after awhile you have to let go. There isn't anything else to do, the person has died. You can hope all you want for a different outcome, but the end has arrived. That is the point we all wrestle with, when is that point? How do you know you reached it? Did you go over it and not know it? Could you have done more? Should you continue to do more? These are extremely difficult questions and when you apply it to our kids...........it's no wonder we hold on so long. I think that's also the difference in the younger kids and many of our older kids here.......when they are younger hope is a definite positive........and a parent most likely [I]should[/I] hold on tightly to that hope.............but at a certain point, which is not at all clear, that hope turns into a negative, it becomes stagnant, no actions occur, it becomes a poisoned pond due to no movement. And, even then we hold out hope. We are amazing creatures in our ability to hope. But, for me, and I think I have the oldest kid here, hope had to go. For the parents of the younger ones, that could sound horrible, abhorrent and cruel............. and about a year and a half ago, I felt that too. Hope can be a double edged sword. I had to go through hell to find that out. On a lighter note, I am feeling pretty good. We are all settling into this new "normal." I have another 6 or 7 weeks of this and then there will be more changes. She found out a lot of her stuff was actually taken by the police and they have it for her.........so that is a relief, she thought it was stolen. There is also some discrepancy with the statements about a no trespassing order in the complex she was living in..........so I am not sure what the actual truth is. In most ways I don't need to know anyway............She called me at work today and I voiced my reluctance in doing a lot this go round.......I am keeping my involvement at a real minimum now which feels appropriate. As we often say here, it is what it is. And, I am in a good place. If you feel up to it, perhaps say a prayer for my daughter........she could sure use some guidance and a new path lit up for her..........praying is what I do most for her now..........thank you. [/QUOTE]
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