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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 691438" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi G and welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here. I am in and out nowadays, my dear hubs recently passed and I am trying hard to deal with all that comes with losing my mate. Much of our struggles with health had to do with the heartache of our twos choices in life and the desperation of the helping/enabling cycle. When I found this site almost a year ago, my daughter and three grands had just made a horrendous, dramatic exodus from our home and I had had enough. It was a smack in the face realization that nothing changes if nothing changes. I completely understand this. It is hard to deal with the daily chaos of our d cs choices, especially with grands involved.</p><p>I understand this as well. Some grandparents are fortunate to have the wherewithal to raise their grands. This was not the case for us. One factor was that agencies promote unification. Our daughter and her boyfriend were able to pull it together enough to keep custody, but to this day are struggling with their own issues and raising their kids. I love them all, but find it to be very toxic to have them near. When they come to visit it is as if a hurricane has borne down upon my home. The "parents" constantly argue, and since this is modeled for the kids, so do they. The energy surrounding them is frenetic and I find myself getting wound up into a tangled ball of stress. Not good. I have declared my home a peace zone and plead for respect and decency, if that cannot happen, they are not welcome to visit. It is a hard journey to travel and I am sorry that you are experiencing a similar fate. In my hubs culture, it is customary for multi generations to live together and care for one another. So, the thought of "putting the kids out" is very foreign. But, in the old days, the emphasis was on everyone contributing. This did not happen with my d cs and the burden we bore was immense and insufferable. I would gladly have them if it were otherwise. We do live in difficult times, but it is unacceptable to carry the load, and give until we are heartbroken and desperate. Somehow, they will have to get it together, but not at the expense of the sanctuary our homes are meant to be for us. It is not selfish. It is important for these parents to get their act together. I am no longer "rescue" gramma. I want to be cookie baking gramma.</p><p></p><p> Yes indeed, it is what it is. I am glad you have come here to share your story. I hope and pray that one day, they will wake up. I realize, that it is not my job to house and feed them until they do. There are agencies and shelters out there to help. My daughter thought she would come home with the kids after hubs passed. I told her that this time if her intentions were to leave her boyfriend, to go to a DV shelter and get help for herself and her kids, that we had tried so many times to help to no avail. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Stay strong G, you are so not alone. Life is short and we deserve peace in our hearts and homes.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 691438, member: 19522"] Hi G and welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here. I am in and out nowadays, my dear hubs recently passed and I am trying hard to deal with all that comes with losing my mate. Much of our struggles with health had to do with the heartache of our twos choices in life and the desperation of the helping/enabling cycle. When I found this site almost a year ago, my daughter and three grands had just made a horrendous, dramatic exodus from our home and I had had enough. It was a smack in the face realization that nothing changes if nothing changes. I completely understand this. It is hard to deal with the daily chaos of our d cs choices, especially with grands involved. I understand this as well. Some grandparents are fortunate to have the wherewithal to raise their grands. This was not the case for us. One factor was that agencies promote unification. Our daughter and her boyfriend were able to pull it together enough to keep custody, but to this day are struggling with their own issues and raising their kids. I love them all, but find it to be very toxic to have them near. When they come to visit it is as if a hurricane has borne down upon my home. The "parents" constantly argue, and since this is modeled for the kids, so do they. The energy surrounding them is frenetic and I find myself getting wound up into a tangled ball of stress. Not good. I have declared my home a peace zone and plead for respect and decency, if that cannot happen, they are not welcome to visit. It is a hard journey to travel and I am sorry that you are experiencing a similar fate. In my hubs culture, it is customary for multi generations to live together and care for one another. So, the thought of "putting the kids out" is very foreign. But, in the old days, the emphasis was on everyone contributing. This did not happen with my d cs and the burden we bore was immense and insufferable. I would gladly have them if it were otherwise. We do live in difficult times, but it is unacceptable to carry the load, and give until we are heartbroken and desperate. Somehow, they will have to get it together, but not at the expense of the sanctuary our homes are meant to be for us. It is not selfish. It is important for these parents to get their act together. I am no longer "rescue" gramma. I want to be cookie baking gramma. Yes indeed, it is what it is. I am glad you have come here to share your story. I hope and pray that one day, they will wake up. I realize, that it is not my job to house and feed them until they do. There are agencies and shelters out there to help. My daughter thought she would come home with the kids after hubs passed. I told her that this time if her intentions were to leave her boyfriend, to go to a DV shelter and get help for herself and her kids, that we had tried so many times to help to no avail. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Stay strong G, you are so not alone. Life is short and we deserve peace in our hearts and homes. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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