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Adult Daughter Causing Heartache
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 665968" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome emstaggs, I am so sorry for what you have been going through. I'm glad you found us here.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This was a wise choice. Setting clear boundaries with our Difficult Child is a must. Many parents struggle with this but I think you and your husband have a good grasp.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Again, you set a clear boundary.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh my does this bring back memories for me!! My son while still a teenager on numerous occasions would run away from home and while husband and I were at work he would break into the house, ransack and steal. I know all to well the feeling of violation at the hands of someone you love. It's a violation that leaves a hole in your soul. I am so sorry you had to come home to that.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm glad you called the police. Did they issue a warrant for her arrest? Did you press charges?</p><p>Again, I know how hard it can be to press charges against your own child. I've had to do it a few times.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Our Difficult Child can create such havoc and chaos for a marriage. My husband and I had many fights about our son. He was more willing to than I when it came to giving second, third, fourth, twentieth chances but I went along because I so desperately wanted to believe that "this time it will be different". I finally got to a point that I could not take it anymore. My heart was so broken and my trust completely shattered. I told my husband that we could not go on like this any longer. Something had to change. The old saying "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result" That's where we were. I wanted my life back!! My husband and I started to take long drives on the weekends and the only rule we had was no talking about our son. My husband and I started to reconnect with each other. We both came to realize that we could not allow our son's chaotic life choices to drive a wedge between us.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes it does. It just takes time. One thing that has helped me keep things in perspective is this, I do not want to be an 80 year old woman still enabling my 60 year old son.</p><p>When we enable our adult children we are actually stunting their growth and they come to rely on us to take care of them. They grow accustomed to living a lifestyle of partying with no regard for responsibility because they know mom and dad will give them a place to live, money, food, clothes, etc..........</p><p>When we start to cut them off they will often ramp up their manipulation and try to guilt us into continuing the enabling. Cutting them off does not mean we don't love them it simply means that we accept that their life choices are theirs, that we have no control over them and we leave them to live their own lives no matter their choices.</p><p>You have done all you can for your daughter, the rest is up to her.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you are here with us. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you......................................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 665968, member: 18516"] Welcome emstaggs, I am so sorry for what you have been going through. I'm glad you found us here. This was a wise choice. Setting clear boundaries with our Difficult Child is a must. Many parents struggle with this but I think you and your husband have a good grasp. Again, you set a clear boundary. Oh my does this bring back memories for me!! My son while still a teenager on numerous occasions would run away from home and while husband and I were at work he would break into the house, ransack and steal. I know all to well the feeling of violation at the hands of someone you love. It's a violation that leaves a hole in your soul. I am so sorry you had to come home to that. I'm glad you called the police. Did they issue a warrant for her arrest? Did you press charges? Again, I know how hard it can be to press charges against your own child. I've had to do it a few times. Our Difficult Child can create such havoc and chaos for a marriage. My husband and I had many fights about our son. He was more willing to than I when it came to giving second, third, fourth, twentieth chances but I went along because I so desperately wanted to believe that "this time it will be different". I finally got to a point that I could not take it anymore. My heart was so broken and my trust completely shattered. I told my husband that we could not go on like this any longer. Something had to change. The old saying "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result" That's where we were. I wanted my life back!! My husband and I started to take long drives on the weekends and the only rule we had was no talking about our son. My husband and I started to reconnect with each other. We both came to realize that we could not allow our son's chaotic life choices to drive a wedge between us. Yes it does. It just takes time. One thing that has helped me keep things in perspective is this, I do not want to be an 80 year old woman still enabling my 60 year old son. When we enable our adult children we are actually stunting their growth and they come to rely on us to take care of them. They grow accustomed to living a lifestyle of partying with no regard for responsibility because they know mom and dad will give them a place to live, money, food, clothes, etc.......... When we start to cut them off they will often ramp up their manipulation and try to guilt us into continuing the enabling. Cutting them off does not mean we don't love them it simply means that we accept that their life choices are theirs, that we have no control over them and we leave them to live their own lives no matter their choices. You have done all you can for your daughter, the rest is up to her. I'm glad you are here with us. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going. ((HUGS)) to you...................................... [/QUOTE]
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