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Adult Daughter Stealing from her mother
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 722567" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Welcome SM, I am so sorry for your need to be here. It sounds like you have been dealing with your daughters troubles for a long time. It is a hard journey to be on. You have gotten some really sound advice here.</p><p>You didn’t cause this and can’t control it, whether your daughter lives with you or not.</p><p>My two also engage in risky behaviors that could mean their demise.</p><p>It is a cold, hard fact of the choices they make.</p><p>I so understand how you are feeling. As mothers, we never want to see our children, no matter what age, suffer, or leave this earth before us.</p><p>Those pervasive thoughts are probably what keep us engaged for so long, feeling that there must be something, <em>anything</em> we can do to prevent the train wreck.</p><p>In reality though, if we continue to try to help them, even when they are going off the rails, to try to shield them from the consequences of their choices, we are actually making it easier for them to continue as is.</p><p>I think that would be harder to live with.</p><p>Something could happen to my two if they <em>lived with me. </em></p><p></p><p>Not a one of us imagined our adult d cs falling off the deep end. It is no wonder that when it happens we try and try and try to help.</p><p>It becomes the norm to be in this state.</p><p> For them as much as us. </p><p>We give, they take.</p><p>We forgive, they take advantage. </p><p>What a cycle.</p><p>They don’t want help to get clean, they want a place to stay, to be comfortable while they continue as is. </p><p>They take advantage of our love in the worse ways.</p><p>It is unacceptable.</p><p> It is a harsh reality, but true. If you continued to house your daughter, bargaining away <em>your safety and sanity, it would not change for her.</em></p><p> Unless she wanted change and made better choices.</p><p>She’s not making better choices.</p><p>When people show you who they are, believe them.</p><p>You have taken a very large step in showing your daughter that her disrespect is unacceptable and intolerable. </p><p>She threw herself out of your home. </p><p>She stole from you. </p><p>You put your foot down. As hard as it seems now, it is a good thing, for you and for her. </p><p>Nothing changes, if nothing changes.</p><p>When I put my foot down and said enough, I went through similar feelings. Not knowing where my two were, knowing how troubled and drugknapped they were. </p><p>It really is grieving we go through, in all of the stages. </p><p>But, they have not passed, this is not the grief of <em>losing a loved one.</em> </p><p>Our d cs are out there, living.</p><p>We grieve their lifestyle and choices, and the what if’s.</p><p>We grieve what we know from past experience with them.</p><p>Acknowledging this is important, we have to process the hurt of it somehow.</p><p>It is hard.</p><p>But, they are still <em>alive</em>, as long as there is life, there is <em>hope</em>.</p><p>I am sorry for your aching heart. </p><p>You have landed in a good place here and will receive much guidance from folks who understand your pain. </p><p>I think when we go through so much with our d cs we become conditioned to some pretty appalling situations. Shell shocked and battle weary, we suffer our own form of ptsd.</p><p>There is a way through it, a light at the end of the tunnel. You have taken the first step, by drawing the line. It is up to your daughter to make better choices to change her life’s course. It is up to you to redirect your focus and work on yourself. You have value and worth. You have the rest of your life to live. </p><p>Try not to write the end of the story, projecting the worst case scenario. Our d cs are remarkably resilient, they find ways to survive. They are out there, living the consequences of their choices.</p><p>It is how we humans learn.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 722567, member: 19522"] Welcome SM, I am so sorry for your need to be here. It sounds like you have been dealing with your daughters troubles for a long time. It is a hard journey to be on. You have gotten some really sound advice here. You didn’t cause this and can’t control it, whether your daughter lives with you or not. My two also engage in risky behaviors that could mean their demise. It is a cold, hard fact of the choices they make. I so understand how you are feeling. As mothers, we never want to see our children, no matter what age, suffer, or leave this earth before us. Those pervasive thoughts are probably what keep us engaged for so long, feeling that there must be something, [I]anything[/I] we can do to prevent the train wreck. In reality though, if we continue to try to help them, even when they are going off the rails, to try to shield them from the consequences of their choices, we are actually making it easier for them to continue as is. I think that would be harder to live with. Something could happen to my two if they [I]lived with me. [/I] Not a one of us imagined our adult d cs falling off the deep end. It is no wonder that when it happens we try and try and try to help. It becomes the norm to be in this state. For them as much as us. We give, they take. We forgive, they take advantage. What a cycle. They don’t want help to get clean, they want a place to stay, to be comfortable while they continue as is. They take advantage of our love in the worse ways. It is unacceptable. It is a harsh reality, but true. If you continued to house your daughter, bargaining away [I]your safety and sanity, it would not change for her.[/I] Unless she wanted change and made better choices. She’s not making better choices. When people show you who they are, believe them. You have taken a very large step in showing your daughter that her disrespect is unacceptable and intolerable. She threw herself out of your home. She stole from you. You put your foot down. As hard as it seems now, it is a good thing, for you and for her. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. When I put my foot down and said enough, I went through similar feelings. Not knowing where my two were, knowing how troubled and drugknapped they were. It really is grieving we go through, in all of the stages. But, they have not passed, this is not the grief of [I]losing a loved one.[/I] Our d cs are out there, living. We grieve their lifestyle and choices, and the what if’s. We grieve what we know from past experience with them. Acknowledging this is important, we have to process the hurt of it somehow. It is hard. But, they are still [I]alive[/I], as long as there is life, there is [I]hope[/I]. I am sorry for your aching heart. You have landed in a good place here and will receive much guidance from folks who understand your pain. I think when we go through so much with our d cs we become conditioned to some pretty appalling situations. Shell shocked and battle weary, we suffer our own form of ptsd. There is a way through it, a light at the end of the tunnel. You have taken the first step, by drawing the line. It is up to your daughter to make better choices to change her life’s course. It is up to you to redirect your focus and work on yourself. You have value and worth. You have the rest of your life to live. Try not to write the end of the story, projecting the worst case scenario. Our d cs are remarkably resilient, they find ways to survive. They are out there, living the consequences of their choices. It is how we humans learn. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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