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Adult sibling living with my family
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 701231" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Brother, I'm glad you found us here. I think within these pages you will find the support you need. </p><p></p><p>You may be his brother but you have taken on the role of parent in trying to care for him. He is a 40 year old man who should be taking care of himself.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Your brother is making a choice to not move on and work through the issues he has with your mother. He is choosing to stay in the victim role and it's working well for him. He can use his victimization to manipulate you and other people. </p><p></p><p></p><p>You have made it to easy for him. My suggestion is that you and your wife sit down and write out some very clear boundaries and expectations. then sit down with him and go over things. Of course I suspect he will retreat because that way he doesn't have to deal with reality. This is where you will have to develop thick skin and tell him these are the conditions of him continuing to live in your home and if he can't then he will need to find other living arrangements. </p><p></p><p></p><p>The sad thing is, your mother should be the one staying with you. She's the one who really needs someone to care for her.</p><p></p><p></p><p>It's time to CRUSH the eggshells! You have worked hard to have a home. This is your home and your brother is holding you hostage in it. </p><p>It's not lost on me that you love your brother and you are concerned for him but he's 40 years old. If he truly has back issues then he should be able to apply for disability. He may have to apply a few times but again, if he truly has back problems he should be trying. </p><p></p><p></p><p>I completely aggree with susiestar. She has given good advice here.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Your brother is manipulating you and the counselor. My son used to pull this all the time when we went to counseling. We finally found a counselor who would not put up with it. How have you slighted him??? You're letting him live with you and he does nothing.</p><p></p><p>I admire that you want to help your brother but your "helping" has turned into enabling. Think 10 or 20 years down the road, where do you see yourself? Do you still want to be walking on eggshells in your own home. </p><p></p><p>There is a very good article on detachment. Below is the link. Keep in mind, detachment does not mean that we don't love the person, it just means that we will no longer allow that person to use our emotions against us.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4N6rGAxLW" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4N6rGAxLW</a></p><p></p><p>Hang in there! Keep posting and let us know how things are going.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 701231, member: 18516"] Hi Brother, I'm glad you found us here. I think within these pages you will find the support you need. You may be his brother but you have taken on the role of parent in trying to care for him. He is a 40 year old man who should be taking care of himself. Your brother is making a choice to not move on and work through the issues he has with your mother. He is choosing to stay in the victim role and it's working well for him. He can use his victimization to manipulate you and other people. You have made it to easy for him. My suggestion is that you and your wife sit down and write out some very clear boundaries and expectations. then sit down with him and go over things. Of course I suspect he will retreat because that way he doesn't have to deal with reality. This is where you will have to develop thick skin and tell him these are the conditions of him continuing to live in your home and if he can't then he will need to find other living arrangements. The sad thing is, your mother should be the one staying with you. She's the one who really needs someone to care for her. It's time to CRUSH the eggshells! You have worked hard to have a home. This is your home and your brother is holding you hostage in it. It's not lost on me that you love your brother and you are concerned for him but he's 40 years old. If he truly has back issues then he should be able to apply for disability. He may have to apply a few times but again, if he truly has back problems he should be trying. I completely aggree with susiestar. She has given good advice here. Your brother is manipulating you and the counselor. My son used to pull this all the time when we went to counseling. We finally found a counselor who would not put up with it. How have you slighted him??? You're letting him live with you and he does nothing. I admire that you want to help your brother but your "helping" has turned into enabling. Think 10 or 20 years down the road, where do you see yourself? Do you still want to be walking on eggshells in your own home. There is a very good article on detachment. Below is the link. Keep in mind, detachment does not mean that we don't love the person, it just means that we will no longer allow that person to use our emotions against us. [URL]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4N6rGAxLW[/URL] Hang in there! Keep posting and let us know how things are going. [/QUOTE]
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