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Adult son 33 is homeless, Im Mom, 57, trying so hard to detach, not enable...
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 763096" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Aloha Tommi,</p><p>I am sorry for your need to be here, with that written, welcome. I have two wayward adult daughters, one on the streets and one in rehab (again).</p><p>It is an extremely difficult journey for all here. Heart wrenching.</p><p></p><p>I think those who have not been down this path don’t understand how hard it is to “just ignore” the choices our beloved adult children make. Your son is 48. I am guessing this has been a long, long time that you have dealt with his issues. It is awful and I am sorry for the pain of it. I have had my moments as well, when death seems a better alternative than dealing with this hellish roller coaster. But. What would that accomplish? So, we are stuck with figuring out how to deal with a circumstance that we have absolutely no control over. The only control we do have, is how we react to it.</p><p></p><p>I think I can imagine how much you have tried to help. I was there as well, and fight that part of myself still, that thinks <em>my</em> help will <em>help</em>. It doesn’t. It’s because we have been trained by our wayward adult kids, a sort of never ending boot camp that elicits a necessary response to the consequences of their choices. No, is a response. Love says no. They know every trick in the book to tug at our heartstrings to get us to respond with yes. They have learned how to get us to put ourselves in last place, so that we will bend to their wishes. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Someone has to put a stop to the madness, and it has to be us. Rather than wishing our own death to get some peace, we can pray for our adult children to find their own peace, then set out on our journey to find our own. It is not easy work, but it is possible to work at separating ourselves from the drama and chaos, work at loving ourselves, and loving them from afar, setting healthy boundaries. You matter, your peace of mind and health matters. You become an example to your son of how to live, by living well yourself. It is not selfish to love and care for yourself. That is what we wish for our children, that they will learn to truly love themselves and make better choices. Nothing good comes of you going down a path of destruction along with your son. You can do this. It takes work, but you are worth it. Take baby steps towards setting boundaries for yourself, your son. Join naranon, read about codependency, find ways to redirect your thinking, protect your heart. Every step you take to strengthen yourself is a testimony to your son that he can make better choices, too. </p><p>You are worth the effort.</p><p>Your life matters.</p><p>Much love and (((hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 763096, member: 19522"] Aloha Tommi, I am sorry for your need to be here, with that written, welcome. I have two wayward adult daughters, one on the streets and one in rehab (again). It is an extremely difficult journey for all here. Heart wrenching. I think those who have not been down this path don’t understand how hard it is to “just ignore” the choices our beloved adult children make. Your son is 48. I am guessing this has been a long, long time that you have dealt with his issues. It is awful and I am sorry for the pain of it. I have had my moments as well, when death seems a better alternative than dealing with this hellish roller coaster. But. What would that accomplish? So, we are stuck with figuring out how to deal with a circumstance that we have absolutely no control over. The only control we do have, is how we react to it. I think I can imagine how much you have tried to help. I was there as well, and fight that part of myself still, that thinks [I]my[/I] help will [I]help[/I]. It doesn’t. It’s because we have been trained by our wayward adult kids, a sort of never ending boot camp that elicits a necessary response to the consequences of their choices. No, is a response. Love says no. They know every trick in the book to tug at our heartstrings to get us to respond with yes. They have learned how to get us to put ourselves in last place, so that we will bend to their wishes. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Someone has to put a stop to the madness, and it has to be us. Rather than wishing our own death to get some peace, we can pray for our adult children to find their own peace, then set out on our journey to find our own. It is not easy work, but it is possible to work at separating ourselves from the drama and chaos, work at loving ourselves, and loving them from afar, setting healthy boundaries. You matter, your peace of mind and health matters. You become an example to your son of how to live, by living well yourself. It is not selfish to love and care for yourself. That is what we wish for our children, that they will learn to truly love themselves and make better choices. Nothing good comes of you going down a path of destruction along with your son. You can do this. It takes work, but you are worth it. Take baby steps towards setting boundaries for yourself, your son. Join naranon, read about codependency, find ways to redirect your thinking, protect your heart. Every step you take to strengthen yourself is a testimony to your son that he can make better choices, too. You are worth the effort. Your life matters. Much love and (((hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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