So I tried to do something to keep my mind off of difficult child. I cooked, I cleaned, I downloaded a new book onto my kindle, i worked on a new design, I tended to my garden - all of the things that usually bring me peace and pleasure these days. None of it worked tonight. I'm so blah and cranky. I was snappy with both my husband and easy child. I wanted nothing to do with either of them tonight. All I wanted was to be left alone. I have high anxiety and I'm exhausted yet totally wide awake and on edge. Hmmmmm. I remember these feelings. I lived like this for years straight. Every waking moment was agony. All I could think about was difficult child nonstop. It consumed my very being. Much like tonight. But the difference between now and then is that I realize it. Yes I'm having a bad day and might even have another tomorrow but I know what I need to do in order for it to pass. I need to accept these feelings - fear, disappointment, frustration, sadness, guilt - and lean into them. I need to feel the feelings and then let them go. Whatever is going to happen will happen no matter what. I can't control the outcome.
So here's what's running repeatedly through my mind tonight:
What will happen to difficult child after he gets out of the psychiatric hospital? Where will he go? Will the OTA help him? Will he keep taking the new medications (depakote and trazodone) even though they knock him out? If so will he be safe on the streets on medications that knock him out? Will he overdose by mistake? On purpose??
I seriously despise feeling like this. It's been quite sometime since it's been this bad. I just need to get through tomorrow - my first time actually seeing difficult child in almost a year - and then I need to get back to business as usual. I need to continue on the path that has finally started to heal me after years of being sick over difficult child's situation. I need to stay strong and have concrete boundaries and continue to detach. It's the only way......
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
