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Adult son living at home breaking house rules
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764145" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi As123,</p><p>I’m sorry for your aching heart. It is such a difficult time to deal with, setting boundaries and following through. I vividly remember my seesawing emotions, trying to get through the day to day.</p><p></p><p>The hurt of loving an addict is ever present. It takes practice and prayer for me to find balance within myself. But, I have responsibilities towards my well children and grand children and choose to focus on them. I have responsibility to take care of myself, my health. Late hubs and I spent so many years desperately trying to “help” our two. It became apparent to me that they didn’t want true help, they wanted to have their cake and eat it too, to live comfortably while their using increased to a point where the drama and chaos spilled over and destroyed the peace in our home. That was not fair to anyone, especially my well children and grands. Focusing on that hard reality helped to keep me on track.</p><p></p><p>Not to sound harsh, but living in a motel and trying to find a place to rent is a consequence of his choice to disregard house rules. I wonder if our waywards realize the havoc they cause when their behavior escalates within our homes? Do they even remember? Do they take for granted the gift of being able to live in their family home as they become adults? Do they begin to resent the fact that they are still dependent on us? That was a discussion that an old time member brought up, that our kids were meant to grow into responsibility and leave the nest. That when we put up with their nonsense, we have clipped their wings so to speak. They begin to resent us. It is an interesting thought. You wrote that your son is now using daily. Has he told you as much? I ask, because when my two left home, my mind went through all kinds of worst case scenarios. I call it awfullizing. I had to just stop. Even now, when I feel myself going down that road, I have to say a prayer and steady myself. </p><p></p><p>The article on detachment on the PE forum page details steps we can take to help get through our pain. It states that detachment doesn’t mean coldly cutting our loved ones out of our lives. Honestly, at first detachment sounded like cutting off a body part. What I realized is that a big part is learning to be less enmeshed emotionally with our waywards choices and consequences. It makes no sense for us to go down the rabbit hole with them. We have no control over what they do. We do have control over ourselves. This is the work ahead. </p><p></p><p>It is difficult As123. I’m sorry for the pain of it. It is natural to provide shelter. What is unnatural, is for someone to take that gift for granted. Rather than expressing gratitude, being helpful and appreciative, to display an awful attitude and bring drama and chaos into a family home is not right. You are not a fraud of a mother for setting rules for decency to protect the sanctity of your home. We have been conditioned as mothers to sacrifice our time and own needs to take care of our family. Our adult kids are not little children anymore. They will do as they please. I understand how it feels to switch direction from desperately trying to help an adult child, to the shock of their downward spiral, to realizing the effect on your home and having to give them their wings. As123, your son is not “suffering” in a motel. He has a roof over his head, a shower. It may not be the comfort of your home, but he truly abused the privilege to be there. Now, he has to figure out his responsibility towards himself. Try to reconfigure your thought processing, instead of envisioning suffering, he is <em>learning</em>.</p><p></p><p>Only he can fix the issue. He has proven that he won’t address his issues in the comfort of your home. You would be doing him a terrible disservice if you allowed him to continue on the course he was on, in your home. You have done the most loving thing, to lay down the law with him. Love says no. No, you cannot keep abusing yourself and your family with the repercussions of your choices. </p><p></p><p>Addicts won’t understand the pain we go through as long as they are using. It is an immensely selfish way to live. But it is still a choice to use drugs, and in turn try to manipulate, gaslight and use loved ones. It is true we bear the brunt of the pain. With that written, the task ahead of us is to educate ourselves and find healthy ways to work through the pain, to find the strength within ourselves to process it and learn to focus on what we can control, our reaction to our wayward kids choices. We have to learn all over again to stand up for ourselves. To be kind and loving to ourselves and not put up with disrespect. </p><p></p><p>I don’t think you are doing a horrible job. You have set boundaries and you have drawn that line in the sand. I’m pretty sure you gave your son many chances as he ramped up and crossed that line. Something had to be done for your own sanity. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are allowed to feel sad and disheartened. You are allowed to grieve. This is a big change for you. Give yourself grace and a reasonable amount of time to process what is happening. If you find that your thoughts and emotions are becoming intrusive, seek help. There are different ways to help us navigate this hard time. Learn to switch your focus and work at self love. It is imperative that we retrain ourselves to be loving and kind to ourselves. That is what we wish most for our adult kids, that they love themselves enough to make better choices. We are their greatest teachers when we strive for the same. Work at finding helpers, there are many examples of people who have overcome suffering. Maya Angelou, Viktor Frankl, Helen Keller to name a few. Create healthy habits that help you switch your focus. Keep posting, this place has been such a lifesaver for me. The kind folks here have been so helpful on this journey. You are worthy of living a peaceful life. You are right to expect respect for the sanctity of your home. </p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764145, member: 19522"] Hi As123, I’m sorry for your aching heart. It is such a difficult time to deal with, setting boundaries and following through. I vividly remember my seesawing emotions, trying to get through the day to day. The hurt of loving an addict is ever present. It takes practice and prayer for me to find balance within myself. But, I have responsibilities towards my well children and grand children and choose to focus on them. I have responsibility to take care of myself, my health. Late hubs and I spent so many years desperately trying to “help” our two. It became apparent to me that they didn’t want true help, they wanted to have their cake and eat it too, to live comfortably while their using increased to a point where the drama and chaos spilled over and destroyed the peace in our home. That was not fair to anyone, especially my well children and grands. Focusing on that hard reality helped to keep me on track. Not to sound harsh, but living in a motel and trying to find a place to rent is a consequence of his choice to disregard house rules. I wonder if our waywards realize the havoc they cause when their behavior escalates within our homes? Do they even remember? Do they take for granted the gift of being able to live in their family home as they become adults? Do they begin to resent the fact that they are still dependent on us? That was a discussion that an old time member brought up, that our kids were meant to grow into responsibility and leave the nest. That when we put up with their nonsense, we have clipped their wings so to speak. They begin to resent us. It is an interesting thought. You wrote that your son is now using daily. Has he told you as much? I ask, because when my two left home, my mind went through all kinds of worst case scenarios. I call it awfullizing. I had to just stop. Even now, when I feel myself going down that road, I have to say a prayer and steady myself. The article on detachment on the PE forum page details steps we can take to help get through our pain. It states that detachment doesn’t mean coldly cutting our loved ones out of our lives. Honestly, at first detachment sounded like cutting off a body part. What I realized is that a big part is learning to be less enmeshed emotionally with our waywards choices and consequences. It makes no sense for us to go down the rabbit hole with them. We have no control over what they do. We do have control over ourselves. This is the work ahead. It is difficult As123. I’m sorry for the pain of it. It is natural to provide shelter. What is unnatural, is for someone to take that gift for granted. Rather than expressing gratitude, being helpful and appreciative, to display an awful attitude and bring drama and chaos into a family home is not right. You are not a fraud of a mother for setting rules for decency to protect the sanctity of your home. We have been conditioned as mothers to sacrifice our time and own needs to take care of our family. Our adult kids are not little children anymore. They will do as they please. I understand how it feels to switch direction from desperately trying to help an adult child, to the shock of their downward spiral, to realizing the effect on your home and having to give them their wings. As123, your son is not “suffering” in a motel. He has a roof over his head, a shower. It may not be the comfort of your home, but he truly abused the privilege to be there. Now, he has to figure out his responsibility towards himself. Try to reconfigure your thought processing, instead of envisioning suffering, he is [I]learning[/I]. Only he can fix the issue. He has proven that he won’t address his issues in the comfort of your home. You would be doing him a terrible disservice if you allowed him to continue on the course he was on, in your home. You have done the most loving thing, to lay down the law with him. Love says no. No, you cannot keep abusing yourself and your family with the repercussions of your choices. Addicts won’t understand the pain we go through as long as they are using. It is an immensely selfish way to live. But it is still a choice to use drugs, and in turn try to manipulate, gaslight and use loved ones. It is true we bear the brunt of the pain. With that written, the task ahead of us is to educate ourselves and find healthy ways to work through the pain, to find the strength within ourselves to process it and learn to focus on what we can control, our reaction to our wayward kids choices. We have to learn all over again to stand up for ourselves. To be kind and loving to ourselves and not put up with disrespect. I don’t think you are doing a horrible job. You have set boundaries and you have drawn that line in the sand. I’m pretty sure you gave your son many chances as he ramped up and crossed that line. Something had to be done for your own sanity. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are allowed to feel sad and disheartened. You are allowed to grieve. This is a big change for you. Give yourself grace and a reasonable amount of time to process what is happening. If you find that your thoughts and emotions are becoming intrusive, seek help. There are different ways to help us navigate this hard time. Learn to switch your focus and work at self love. It is imperative that we retrain ourselves to be loving and kind to ourselves. That is what we wish most for our adult kids, that they love themselves enough to make better choices. We are their greatest teachers when we strive for the same. Work at finding helpers, there are many examples of people who have overcome suffering. Maya Angelou, Viktor Frankl, Helen Keller to name a few. Create healthy habits that help you switch your focus. Keep posting, this place has been such a lifesaver for me. The kind folks here have been so helpful on this journey. You are worthy of living a peaceful life. You are right to expect respect for the sanctity of your home. (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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