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Advice for family on the edge?
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<blockquote data-quote="AnnieO" data-source="post: 363535" data-attributes="member: 6705"><p>in my opinion - there is a difference between bad behavior and mistakes. For example - Onyxx is a Slob. Capital S. With no respect for belongings. So when her room was downstairs... Well, she wrote on the walls and floor. There is STILL (after multiple cleanings) makeup EVERYWHERE on the carpet (well, we removed it last week. It couldn't be salvaged). BUT - when she accidentally spilled black eyeshadow on my living room carpet, she came to me immediately and asked what she should do. We worked together on getting it cleaned up (there is STILL a dark spot, 8 months later) - but no, she didn't get in trouble for THAT. Because it was a mistake.</p><p> </p><p>What kinds of problems/consequences?</p><p> </p><p>As for wife - by all means, yes, pick your battles! However, keep in mind that consistency is NECESSARY. She lies and gets grounded? Grounded <em>every </em>time. I'm not so good at this, myself. But I do try.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>Not every diagnosis is a PERFECT fit for every child. All people are different, so that's why there is a "spectrum". I mean, I <em>swear</em> Jett is an Aspie, but the neuropsychologist disagreed. Also, in my experience, ODD is a good label for a recipe of behavioral ingredients, with the combined outcome of disaster.</p><p> </p><p>wife is resistant - so was my husband, originally. Not so much, now. Too much time has passed with too much happening.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>Could be. It does sound more intense than Typical Teen behavior. And honestly? I came here due to Onyxx... I got info on Jett... And husband... And I can talk to my "CD family" about friends, work, anything at all. So you're in the right place for <em>you</em>.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>This has Onyxx written all over it. First - DON'T feel bad about it. One thing I have noticed with difficult children - not just mine - is that they feel abandoned and rejected, so when someone comes along who really cares, and difficult child starts to care - they reject THAT person, because they don't want to get hurt again. Children with divorced parents feel this a lot. Honestly? My best friend does this, too. I stopped letting it hurt and just call him on his behavior. He doesn't like that, but he listens to me. One more thing - does birth father's wife let SD do whatever she wants? Is she the "cool" parent, more of a friend? That's not how it's supposed to be.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>Umm... No. If you and wife are as close as you said, it's not you that's the problem. Do NOT blame yourself. SD had ten years to get used to you not being around. Guess what? She's just now getting used to you actually being there. This behavior doesn't pop up overnight (as you know - it just grows and escalates).</p><p> </p><p>If you were to... Neglect, abuse, ignore, put down, or otherwise tell her she's worthless, then part would be your fault. But that's not what I see. I see a guy who is crazy about his wife and her daughter. I see a guy with a lot of love to give and a hero complex. <em><span style="color: darkred">Gotta fix it all, if I can't, it's my fault it happened in the first place.</span></em> Nope.</p><p> </p><p>One thing that will KILL your marriage, though, is not being on the same page (not just with our difficult children!!!). If wife is resistant to your attempts... Try counseling... It's not a joke... husband and I almost ended last year because of similar stuff. It got very very ugly.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="AnnieO, post: 363535, member: 6705"] in my opinion - there is a difference between bad behavior and mistakes. For example - Onyxx is a Slob. Capital S. With no respect for belongings. So when her room was downstairs... Well, she wrote on the walls and floor. There is STILL (after multiple cleanings) makeup EVERYWHERE on the carpet (well, we removed it last week. It couldn't be salvaged). BUT - when she accidentally spilled black eyeshadow on my living room carpet, she came to me immediately and asked what she should do. We worked together on getting it cleaned up (there is STILL a dark spot, 8 months later) - but no, she didn't get in trouble for THAT. Because it was a mistake. What kinds of problems/consequences? As for wife - by all means, yes, pick your battles! However, keep in mind that consistency is NECESSARY. She lies and gets grounded? Grounded [I]every [/I]time. I'm not so good at this, myself. But I do try. Not every diagnosis is a PERFECT fit for every child. All people are different, so that's why there is a "spectrum". I mean, I [I]swear[/I] Jett is an Aspie, but the neuropsychologist disagreed. Also, in my experience, ODD is a good label for a recipe of behavioral ingredients, with the combined outcome of disaster. wife is resistant - so was my husband, originally. Not so much, now. Too much time has passed with too much happening. Could be. It does sound more intense than Typical Teen behavior. And honestly? I came here due to Onyxx... I got info on Jett... And husband... And I can talk to my "CD family" about friends, work, anything at all. So you're in the right place for [I]you[/I]. This has Onyxx written all over it. First - DON'T feel bad about it. One thing I have noticed with difficult children - not just mine - is that they feel abandoned and rejected, so when someone comes along who really cares, and difficult child starts to care - they reject THAT person, because they don't want to get hurt again. Children with divorced parents feel this a lot. Honestly? My best friend does this, too. I stopped letting it hurt and just call him on his behavior. He doesn't like that, but he listens to me. One more thing - does birth father's wife let SD do whatever she wants? Is she the "cool" parent, more of a friend? That's not how it's supposed to be. Umm... No. If you and wife are as close as you said, it's not you that's the problem. Do NOT blame yourself. SD had ten years to get used to you not being around. Guess what? She's just now getting used to you actually being there. This behavior doesn't pop up overnight (as you know - it just grows and escalates). If you were to... Neglect, abuse, ignore, put down, or otherwise tell her she's worthless, then part would be your fault. But that's not what I see. I see a guy who is crazy about his wife and her daughter. I see a guy with a lot of love to give and a hero complex. [I][COLOR=darkred]Gotta fix it all, if I can't, it's my fault it happened in the first place.[/COLOR][/I] Nope. One thing that will KILL your marriage, though, is not being on the same page (not just with our difficult children!!!). If wife is resistant to your attempts... Try counseling... It's not a joke... husband and I almost ended last year because of similar stuff. It got very very ugly. [/QUOTE]
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