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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 609393" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Rush, I think MWM has offered you very good advice. <strong>You have done nothing wrong.</strong> You do not have the power to make the situation improve because your daughter is the one orchestrating all of this. Part of the issue is usually WE, the parents, take responsibility for our adult children's actions, their poor choices, their bad behavior, thereby giving them a free pass on responsibility while we suffer all the guilt. Give that one up, it is not your fault. You may have done some enabling, but that doesn't make it okay for her to act the way she is acting. Do not accept that behavior. To the degree that you accept that behavior, you will live with it.</p><p></p><p>There is not much you can do but provide the boundaries you require. If she cannot follow the rules you set forth, which it sure sounds as if she can't, then she has to find alternative housing. It does not sound as if living with you is an option at all. At this point all you can do is give the move out date and stick to it. I would definitely not buy her a car. There are those cheap hotels where folks can live long term, you might look into that. Or a room in a boarding house if you are inclined to pay for it. Or shelters.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, if I were in your shoes, and I have been, I would get all the professional support I can. Therapy, parent groups, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) which offers terrific courses for parents which give us the tools and understanding to deal with our adult kids who have "issues." They may be able to provide assistance to get your daughter on SSI if that is an option. Your daughter will likely not change, so the onus is on you to change how you respond, <em>which will change everything</em>. And most of us need help to learn how to do that. </p><p></p><p>Living with kids like this is pretty devastating. We have to combat our natural parenting responses which are to protect and comfort and learn new methods of detachment to protect our own sanity as well as give our kids that chance to become healthy adults...............or not.........but it is now up to them.</p><p></p><p>If you haven't already, you might read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, it may be helpful. Hang in there, keep posting, get yourself some support, take care of YOU now, put the focus onto yourself................I wish you peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 609393, member: 13542"] Rush, I think MWM has offered you very good advice. [B]You have done nothing wrong.[/B] You do not have the power to make the situation improve because your daughter is the one orchestrating all of this. Part of the issue is usually WE, the parents, take responsibility for our adult children's actions, their poor choices, their bad behavior, thereby giving them a free pass on responsibility while we suffer all the guilt. Give that one up, it is not your fault. You may have done some enabling, but that doesn't make it okay for her to act the way she is acting. Do not accept that behavior. To the degree that you accept that behavior, you will live with it. There is not much you can do but provide the boundaries you require. If she cannot follow the rules you set forth, which it sure sounds as if she can't, then she has to find alternative housing. It does not sound as if living with you is an option at all. At this point all you can do is give the move out date and stick to it. I would definitely not buy her a car. There are those cheap hotels where folks can live long term, you might look into that. Or a room in a boarding house if you are inclined to pay for it. Or shelters. In the meantime, if I were in your shoes, and I have been, I would get all the professional support I can. Therapy, parent groups, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) which offers terrific courses for parents which give us the tools and understanding to deal with our adult kids who have "issues." They may be able to provide assistance to get your daughter on SSI if that is an option. Your daughter will likely not change, so the onus is on you to change how you respond, [I]which will change everything[/I]. And most of us need help to learn how to do that. Living with kids like this is pretty devastating. We have to combat our natural parenting responses which are to protect and comfort and learn new methods of detachment to protect our own sanity as well as give our kids that chance to become healthy adults...............or not.........but it is now up to them. If you haven't already, you might read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, it may be helpful. Hang in there, keep posting, get yourself some support, take care of YOU now, put the focus onto yourself................I wish you peace. [/QUOTE]
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