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Advice on my 30 year old son
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 747765" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Worriedmum,</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry for the heartache you are going through. From what you have shared it sounds like you have gone above and beyond to help your son.</p><p></p><p>What I can tell you from my own experience is that geography has nothing to do with whether our adult children thrive or not. My son has wandered from state to state for many years. I have heard many times from him how "this state sucks, I need to leave, there is nothing for me here" It does not matter where my son ends up, he has a way of screwing it up.</p><p></p><p>My son like yours has been afforded not only opportunities but also money. There is no amount of money that we can throw at our adult children that will solve their issues. The older they get and the more we enable them, the harder it will be for them. While we may think we are helping them, we are really holding them back.</p><p></p><p>I know how much it hurts to watch your child struggle and not thrive. Our instinct as their mothers tells us to swoop in and rescue them. This is fine when they are little but as adults we must fight the urge to fix everything for them. It's not easy to accept that our adult child may never reach the potential we have always hoped for them but it's a necessary step we as a parent must take in order to move on with our own lives.</p><p></p><p>As for your question of sending your son a plane ticket so that he can come back to the country you live in, you can only do what you can live with. For me, I would only do this if it would not cause any financial hardship and I would also make it very clear to your son that there are strings attached to this. You will need to make very clear boundaries with your son and stick to them.</p><p>You need to ask yourself what it will look like IF you send the plane ticket. When he gets back what do you think his expectations of you will be? What are you willing to do?</p><p></p><p>There are no easy answers for any of us when dealing with our difficult adult children.</p><p></p><p>My son is 37. He fathered two beautiful children that he abandoned. I spent years and lots of money trying to help him. I have detached and taken my life back. I will always love him but I need to love myself too. I need to live my life to the fullest. I have accepted that my son will continue to live a homeless, wandering lifestyle and that he and I will most likely never have a close relationship. I'm okay with that.</p><p></p><p>Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing. We care!</p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/group-hug.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":group-hug:" title="group hug :group-hug:" data-shortname=":group-hug:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 747765, member: 18516"] Hi Worriedmum, I'm so sorry for the heartache you are going through. From what you have shared it sounds like you have gone above and beyond to help your son. What I can tell you from my own experience is that geography has nothing to do with whether our adult children thrive or not. My son has wandered from state to state for many years. I have heard many times from him how "this state sucks, I need to leave, there is nothing for me here" It does not matter where my son ends up, he has a way of screwing it up. My son like yours has been afforded not only opportunities but also money. There is no amount of money that we can throw at our adult children that will solve their issues. The older they get and the more we enable them, the harder it will be for them. While we may think we are helping them, we are really holding them back. I know how much it hurts to watch your child struggle and not thrive. Our instinct as their mothers tells us to swoop in and rescue them. This is fine when they are little but as adults we must fight the urge to fix everything for them. It's not easy to accept that our adult child may never reach the potential we have always hoped for them but it's a necessary step we as a parent must take in order to move on with our own lives. As for your question of sending your son a plane ticket so that he can come back to the country you live in, you can only do what you can live with. For me, I would only do this if it would not cause any financial hardship and I would also make it very clear to your son that there are strings attached to this. You will need to make very clear boundaries with your son and stick to them. You need to ask yourself what it will look like IF you send the plane ticket. When he gets back what do you think his expectations of you will be? What are you willing to do? There are no easy answers for any of us when dealing with our difficult adult children. My son is 37. He fathered two beautiful children that he abandoned. I spent years and lots of money trying to help him. I have detached and taken my life back. I will always love him but I need to love myself too. I need to live my life to the fullest. I have accepted that my son will continue to live a homeless, wandering lifestyle and that he and I will most likely never have a close relationship. I'm okay with that. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing. We care! :group-hug: [/QUOTE]
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