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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 661620" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>Thanks much, ladies. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.</p><p></p><p>I see what you all mean about helping him and we DO want to reward him somehow for stepping up. He definitely knows how proud we are of him, but anything beyond praise has generally resulted in him scraping it (and us) off.</p><p></p><p>SWOT, what a wonderful tribute to your daughter. What struck me the most was how very, very proud she must have felt to have done that on her own. To take even a drop of that away from her would have dimmed her sense of accomplishment. You were so wise, I think, to step back and let her struggle and shine.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't think that is what he was doing, honestly. In the past he's been really adept at talking around it and I've been really quick at filling it. This time I don't pick up any of that; he just seems genuinely proud for solving the thieving roommate issue.</p><p></p><p>The money is not due until the 2nd week of August, so he has a little time yet.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar, I think this is a key point here. Outcomes are better for Difficult Child (and frankly for us too) with our minimal involvement.</p><p></p><p>Coming up with $150 in a few weeks is doable for him, if he chooses. That part of the problem is really pretty easy compared to the back rent issue they resolved.</p><p></p><p>And he didn't ASK for our help, he simply told us that it would be a challenge. That is a huge distinction.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Susiestar, that is it exactly. That is exactly how Difficult Child would take it.</p><p></p><p>And worse, I fear it would be seen as us glomming on, insisting on being a part of the process when things are going well.</p><p></p><p>And sadly, I just realized as I was typing this that he might be quite justified in feeling that way. Being part of something GOOD in Difficult Child's life is very seductive. We are all a little starved for that, I think.</p><p></p><p>But that's really not fair, is it?</p><p></p><p>If husband and I have been willing to let him handle it when things are going poorly, surely we should be all the more willing to let him handle it when things are going well.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Very true, Echo. Wouldn't an honest adult conversation like that be wonderful?</p><p></p><p>And since he hasn't asked yet, I see how much I am getting ahead of myself. I think it is a mixture of hope and all those years of parenting a Difficult Child, honing those skills of anticipating possible outcomes. And I am ashamed to admit, maybe a little bit of husband's and my parental egos.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This reminds me of when they were toddlers saying, "NO, I can DO it!" And how we would wince sometimes when we let them.</p><p></p><p>Sister of Difficult Child had some financial difficulties and asked for $100 as a birthday gift a month before her birthday. Difficult Child's birthday is about 6 weeks after his tuition due date. IF he asks, an early birthday gift of paying part of his tuition might be a fair way to handle it. If he doesn't ask, we won't offer.</p><p></p><p>Either way, your posts gave me clarity about separating his needs from our needs, which I just realized was at the heart of the dilemma.</p><p></p><p>Thanks again guys! I love this place!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 661620, member: 17720"] Thanks much, ladies. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. I see what you all mean about helping him and we DO want to reward him somehow for stepping up. He definitely knows how proud we are of him, but anything beyond praise has generally resulted in him scraping it (and us) off. SWOT, what a wonderful tribute to your daughter. What struck me the most was how very, very proud she must have felt to have done that on her own. To take even a drop of that away from her would have dimmed her sense of accomplishment. You were so wise, I think, to step back and let her struggle and shine. I don't think that is what he was doing, honestly. In the past he's been really adept at talking around it and I've been really quick at filling it. This time I don't pick up any of that; he just seems genuinely proud for solving the thieving roommate issue. The money is not due until the 2nd week of August, so he has a little time yet. Cedar, I think this is a key point here. Outcomes are better for Difficult Child (and frankly for us too) with our minimal involvement. Coming up with $150 in a few weeks is doable for him, if he chooses. That part of the problem is really pretty easy compared to the back rent issue they resolved. And he didn't ASK for our help, he simply told us that it would be a challenge. That is a huge distinction. Susiestar, that is it exactly. That is exactly how Difficult Child would take it. And worse, I fear it would be seen as us glomming on, insisting on being a part of the process when things are going well. And sadly, I just realized as I was typing this that he might be quite justified in feeling that way. Being part of something GOOD in Difficult Child's life is very seductive. We are all a little starved for that, I think. But that's really not fair, is it? If husband and I have been willing to let him handle it when things are going poorly, surely we should be all the more willing to let him handle it when things are going well. Very true, Echo. Wouldn't an honest adult conversation like that be wonderful? And since he hasn't asked yet, I see how much I am getting ahead of myself. I think it is a mixture of hope and all those years of parenting a Difficult Child, honing those skills of anticipating possible outcomes. And I am ashamed to admit, maybe a little bit of husband's and my parental egos. This reminds me of when they were toddlers saying, "NO, I can DO it!" And how we would wince sometimes when we let them. Sister of Difficult Child had some financial difficulties and asked for $100 as a birthday gift a month before her birthday. Difficult Child's birthday is about 6 weeks after his tuition due date. IF he asks, an early birthday gift of paying part of his tuition might be a fair way to handle it. If he doesn't ask, we won't offer. Either way, your posts gave me clarity about separating his needs from our needs, which I just realized was at the heart of the dilemma. Thanks again guys! I love this place! [/QUOTE]
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