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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 696236" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>The key words here for me are these: <u>the illusion.</u> Because even for our healthy and seemingly perfect children happily ever after will not exist. Our belief in it is a fantasy. Even if they appear to be headed towards lives blessed with all that our society offers as possible, it is by no means guaranteed. Even if our lives with them are without rancor or stress, this too can change.</p><p></p><p>These threads are full of stories where adult children who never presented a problem--one day do. Coming to mind is the perfect daughter, who came to steal 20k from her mother. Or those that marry, and influenced by a spouse, reject the parents they once seemed to love.</p><p></p><p>What we all share, here on CD, is this: we are unable to perpetuate the fantasy that our kids will live happily ever after. Typically, due to some acting out my them, failing to thrive, drug use, or mental illness--they stumble--and when they do, we do too.</p><p></p><p>While I cannot argue against the fact that our kids lives may be more difficult, or dangerous, what unites us here is our own difficulties with this--not their own.</p><p></p><p>And it is this exact thing where we have a great deal of control. Our own difficulties with their difficulties. That is what CD is about. How to start working on our own difficulties and not their difficulties.</p><p></p><p>To see their difficulties as their business, and to begin to conceptualize our difficulties with their difficulties as something over which we have both control and responsibility.</p><p></p><p>What I see you doing with "acceptance" is staying in the present, and staying inside yourself--not in him. Because the future does not exist for anybody. </p><p></p><p>Right now, I am worried about and missing dreadfully my own child. The last we know he was in a psychiatric hospital a couple of hours from me. I do not know if he is still there because staff will not acknowledge it or not. I kicked him out because he did not get treatment fast enough for my liking. Who knows if I did right or wrong. Or if it even matters. He will do what he will do. So will I.</p><p></p><p>The stress and sadness from this feels unbearable. So I guess I will go take a bath and try to de-tangle my hair.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for responding.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 696236, member: 18958"] The key words here for me are these: [U]the illusion.[/U] Because even for our healthy and seemingly perfect children happily ever after will not exist. Our belief in it is a fantasy. Even if they appear to be headed towards lives blessed with all that our society offers as possible, it is by no means guaranteed. Even if our lives with them are without rancor or stress, this too can change. These threads are full of stories where adult children who never presented a problem--one day do. Coming to mind is the perfect daughter, who came to steal 20k from her mother. Or those that marry, and influenced by a spouse, reject the parents they once seemed to love. What we all share, here on CD, is this: we are unable to perpetuate the fantasy that our kids will live happily ever after. Typically, due to some acting out my them, failing to thrive, drug use, or mental illness--they stumble--and when they do, we do too. While I cannot argue against the fact that our kids lives may be more difficult, or dangerous, what unites us here is our own difficulties with this--not their own. And it is this exact thing where we have a great deal of control. Our own difficulties with their difficulties. That is what CD is about. How to start working on our own difficulties and not their difficulties. To see their difficulties as their business, and to begin to conceptualize our difficulties with their difficulties as something over which we have both control and responsibility. What I see you doing with "acceptance" is staying in the present, and staying inside yourself--not in him. Because the future does not exist for anybody. Right now, I am worried about and missing dreadfully my own child. The last we know he was in a psychiatric hospital a couple of hours from me. I do not know if he is still there because staff will not acknowledge it or not. I kicked him out because he did not get treatment fast enough for my liking. Who knows if I did right or wrong. Or if it even matters. He will do what he will do. So will I. The stress and sadness from this feels unbearable. So I guess I will go take a bath and try to de-tangle my hair. Thank you for responding. [/QUOTE]
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