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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 696254" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>Leafy and Copa, I think what he means is that he does better when choice is taken off the table. He can leave rehab at any time. But he can't leave being stranded in the middle of nowhere with no money. In his view, living on the edge this way gives him excitement and gratitude.</p><p></p><p>If he has to choose between drinking and eating and he has food or money available, he will drink. If he has to choose when he is starving and doesn't know where the next meal will come from, he will choose eating.</p><p></p><p>I think he was telling me that he does better without any financial help.</p><p></p><p>He does see it as adventurous, and yes I do think he has a romantic view of the hobo or vagabond lifestyle. He always has.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is how it felt, Copa. That he has left me no role. It even felt as if he was letting me off the hook, if that makes any sense, and that is what still has me weepy.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe that is all in my mind; maybe I was never on the hook in the first place. Maybe this is MY version of the target on my back. Maybe I am the one who keeps it there.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, SNM, this is what gets me too, the uncertainty of not knowing. When they are in such risky situations, it does make the space between seem infinite.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Copa, I am sorry you are going through this. I have been at this place too, where we do what we think is true and right and we just end up feeling icky inside. I hope you find out where and how he is very soon.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This was very helpful to me, SNM. I am struggling so hard with acceptance.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday it felt like something cracked in me. I don't know where it is leading, but I know I have to somehow do this differently. If I don't, there is going to be more wreckage than there is already.</p><p></p><p>The framework of my detachment is far from healthy. It is built on anger and resentment, and I am oh so full of judgment, about everything and everybody.</p><p></p><p>I can't stand the person I've become. I want to be different, to do it differently somehow, but I don't know how.</p><p></p><p>Even if I did, I don't know that I would have the energy or the courage. I'm just so exhausted by it all.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Thank you, Cedar. He has not called with the address. If he does, I have several certified copies in the safe, just in case.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 696254, member: 17720"] Leafy and Copa, I think what he means is that he does better when choice is taken off the table. He can leave rehab at any time. But he can't leave being stranded in the middle of nowhere with no money. In his view, living on the edge this way gives him excitement and gratitude. If he has to choose between drinking and eating and he has food or money available, he will drink. If he has to choose when he is starving and doesn't know where the next meal will come from, he will choose eating. I think he was telling me that he does better without any financial help. He does see it as adventurous, and yes I do think he has a romantic view of the hobo or vagabond lifestyle. He always has. This is how it felt, Copa. That he has left me no role. It even felt as if he was letting me off the hook, if that makes any sense, and that is what still has me weepy. Or maybe that is all in my mind; maybe I was never on the hook in the first place. Maybe this is MY version of the target on my back. Maybe I am the one who keeps it there. Yes, SNM, this is what gets me too, the uncertainty of not knowing. When they are in such risky situations, it does make the space between seem infinite. Copa, I am sorry you are going through this. I have been at this place too, where we do what we think is true and right and we just end up feeling icky inside. I hope you find out where and how he is very soon. This was very helpful to me, SNM. I am struggling so hard with acceptance. Yesterday it felt like something cracked in me. I don't know where it is leading, but I know I have to somehow do this differently. If I don't, there is going to be more wreckage than there is already. The framework of my detachment is far from healthy. It is built on anger and resentment, and I am oh so full of judgment, about everything and everybody. I can't stand the person I've become. I want to be different, to do it differently somehow, but I don't know how. Even if I did, I don't know that I would have the energy or the courage. I'm just so exhausted by it all. Thank you, Cedar. He has not called with the address. If he does, I have several certified copies in the safe, just in case. [/QUOTE]
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